**monday july 9th – 2040** day 0 **
-ellies pov-
"The head is out" she says and use this suction thing to get mucus out of her mouth and nose. "One more push and she should be out" she says, and I give it what I have left which slips her out the rest of the way.
"omg" I say as I see the doctor holding her. Then I hear the most precious sound, her little cry and my heart melts. Now I'm a mother. Tears are streaming down my face as they open my gown to place her on my chest while they dry her off at the same time.
"Dad do you want to cut the cord?" the doctor asks, and Alex does that, when I look at him, he has tears in his eyes too.
My hand is resting on my little girls back as she cries on my chest. This is the best moment of my life. They say that about when your child is born, but I never believed it, now I know they were all right. I've never seen something as beautiful as her in my life, and now she is here in our lives.
After a few minutes they take her over to the baby table thing to examine her. She was born at 37 weeks and two days, so they want to make sure she doesn't have any signs that are associated with prematurity. She is two days over the cut off for what would be considered premature, so they just want to make sure. And they do the Apgar score thing.
They weigh and measure her, give her the eye ointment before swaddling her. She is not happy about people bothering her, so she is crying hard, but I take it as a sign she has strong lungs at least. "2,5 kg and 35cm. So she is a bit low in weight but that's not abnormal considering your medical history" the doctor says as she brings the baby back over to us. She now also as a band around her foot to identify her, and I get the matching one.
While she was getting checked out, they delivered the placenta, but I was so busy looking over at the baby that I just pushed when they told me and ignored everything else. I let them place Emilia back in my arms and the doctor starts to stitch me up "you have a stage 2 tear. So there will be about six stitches I think" she says, and I scrunch my nose. I wish I didn't tear, it sucks, but whatever. When the reward is the beautiful little girl in my arms, I don't give a shit.
The nurse comes over to me "do you want to try to breastfeed before we take her down to do the newborn screening you agreed to?" she says, and I nod.
"Your milk won't come in until a couple of days, but the colostrum which is what is coming out is good for her. Getting a good latch and a good position can be tricky in the beginning but we are going to help you" she says as we open my gown more to get access to my boobs. They have gotten bigger the last two weeks clearly getting ready for feeding this little girl.
She helps me put Emilia, so she is facing my boob in a way where we are tummy to tummy, and then having her head in line with the rest of her boy, not turned. Apparently that helps with swallowing for her. One would think you just lay the baby to the boob and that's it, but apparently not.
It's harder than I thought getting her in the right position, harder than it looks when other moms do it. "Her mouth should cover both your nipple and the areola, with her lips pointing outwards so she isn't sucking on her own lip. the areola is the part around the nipple that's a different color than the rest of your breast. It's important so her mouth, tongue and lips massage the milk out of the milk glands. It won't work if she just sucks on your nipple because it doesn't compress the glands. A good latch is also important to make it less painful for you and prevent your nipples from getting sore or cracked"
It hurts when she eventually starts to suck, but I was expecting that anyway because people said it would happen. "Even though its colostrum now frequent breastfeeding our pumping will help stimulate milk production" she explains further, and I nod.
This nurse is amazing and have so many good tips for me which I value so much. To get her to open her mouth wide enough I can use my nipple to tickle her lips to get her to open wide, or if that doesn't work, I can squeeze some colostrum, later milk, onto her lips. Then she told me how I will know if she is actually sucking properly or if she is just gumming on the nipple. If she is actually sucking, there will be a strong sucking-swallow-breath pattern. You can also see a rhythm in the movements of her head. Then when your milk comes in you should hear swallowing or gulping if she is sucking properly. And then if I need to adjust her, if she isn't sucking properly, I need to break the seal, do the lip tickling again and lath on again properly. My mind is blown by all she knows about this.
"Letting the baby take her time and not setting a time limit has shown to be good in the early days because she is learning what she is supposed to do" she says and then goes on to explain that it's important to drain the whole breast, at least one of them at each feeding. And if she doesn't drain both it's a good idea to pump the one, she doesn't drain or just make sure to start with that one on the next feeding. A baby her age should feed every 2-3 hours apparently.
"We have a baby girl Alex" I say, and he leans down to kiss me "we sure do" he says and caress her little head but is careful not to disrupt her little sucking motions. She looks so cute trying to suck, even though it hurts it's also precious.
After a little bit, I burp her, and the other nurse brings the basinet over to take Emilia down for another checkup. She is getting three things done. And not everyone does it, but we have decided that for us and our baby it's the right thing. She is getting the heal stick test. That's only taking a tiny bit of blood to screen for a range of different conditions. Then she is getting the vitamin K shot which is important because babies don't actually produce vitamin K in the womb, which means they don't have it when they are born. But vitamin K Is what makes your blood cloth, and that's obviously important if you were to bleed. Then she is getting the hepatis B shot which is something that the CDC recommends. Me and my sisters, and Alex and his siblings all of all of this when we were born too. They are also doing a test for her heart, only like checking her heartrate, and then they asked to do a hearing test so we said they could do that too.
The doctor finished stitching me up and now another nurse is sliding on one of those infamous mesh panties with the huge pad in it. Its more or less a diaper, let's be honest about that, but it's necessary, I guess. "i just need to press on your stomach" the nurse says, and I hold Alex's hand while she does it, it hurst like hell, but they're done soon.
After she also takes out the epidural and clean that all up, we are wheeled into a recovery room where we will be until we are discharged "I will swing by to check on you in a little bit. Emilia will be back when they are done. You're now free to eat and drink, but I will be back in a bit to drain your bladder again" the nurse says before leaving. Since I have had the epidural, I can't move from the bed until it has worn off, so they drain it, which is gross, but when I see the reward for all of this, my beautiful little daughter, I don't care.
"Alex could you help me put on one of those nursing bras" I ask him, and he does that. It doesn't feel nice having my boobs out, they have gotten big and are rock hard, not to mention that they are leaking and have been leaking during the pregnancy from time to time. So if I have a bra on, I can put in breast pads which helps.
"i'm so proud of you sweetie" my mom says as she comes over to us and I get emotional as I give her a hug. She has stayed a bit out of the way once Emilia was here to let Alex and I have that first moment for just the two of us, I noticed her doing that, but now I really want my mom.,
"Thank you" I say and sniffle. "But the most important thing. Are you proud of yourself. Because you have carried that little girl for over 37 weeks, you've given her all the nutrients she needs and kept her safe. And now you pushed her into the world. That's really incredible. Now you're not just a daughter anymore, or a fiancé, you're a mom sweetie. Now you have a daughter, you're a mommy" she says and her voice breaks as she is talking which makes me cry too.
I haven't thought about it like that actually. But when my mom puts it like that, and I see how emotional she is getting over it I can't help but try to believe her. Because I did keep my daughter safe and helped her grow strong enough to come out and meet us. I've done everything I can to take care of her since I found out I was pregnant with her. And now I am more than a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister or anything else, first and foremost I'm a mom, a mommy.
"yeah, I actually am. But I couldn't have done it without you mom. And I think I would have been more scared for what's to come if I didn't have you there to teach me" I say and wipe away my tears. Not everyone has parents like mine, and now that I'm a parent myself I see that in a different way.
I stifle a jawn "but this mommy is also exhausted. Happy, exhausted and filled with adrenaline. But I don't like her being away from me. I want my baby girl back in the room" I say, and Alex kiss my forehead again.
"How about you take a nap after the next feeding then. I don't know how much sleep there is to have in a hospital with people coming in all the time. But you could try at least" he says, and I nod. "i'm not looking forward to the pain that's going to come once the epidural wears off" I groan.
Once the epidural wears off, I will actually feel what is going on between my legs, and that I'm not looking forward too. I'm sure that it looks like a freaking crime scene, and it will probably scare me from ever having sex again. Not to mention that I will bleed for weeks, that doesn't sound fun. Obviously it's not heavy for the whole six weeks, it goes down, but it's still gross. My body has sure as hell gone through a beating. But I'm also really happy.
After some light conversation we hear a soft cry as it comes through the door, it's my baby girl and I can't stop a smile from growing on my face, I just wish I could go and pick her up. "oh is my baby girl upset" I coo her and want to grab her so bad. The nurse tells us that she did good on her test before leaving us alone.
"I want to pick her up. But I'm scared I'm going to break her. Like she is so tiny" Alex says as he stands looking down at her gently caressing her little chin while she is fussing. "I will help you. You're going to be a pro at this in no time" my mom reassures him.
Once you get the hang of it, and let go off the fear, it's not that hard to hold a newborn. But you do need to make sure that you support their neck because they don't have the muscles to hold their head up on their own yet, that's the most important thing compared to holding a baby that's older.
Alex cradles our little girl in his arms and I start crying again when he is looking down at her with this adoring look. "aren't you the most beautiful little girl in the world" he coos her and after gently bouncing for a bit she stops crying. "Daddy is already making you stop crying huh" I coo them.
My mom gets a turn after Alex and she looks down at her granddaughter. "I didn't think I would be a grandma at 50 years old, but I sure don't mind it. Because you're just precious" my mom says and kiss her little cheek.
While my mom is holding her, she starts crying again "What's wrong" I ask nervously. I know babies cry a lot, but it usually means they need something. Shouldn't some mommy instinct tell me what she needs from me. There are a range of things she might need. She might be hungry, might be sleepy or might need to be changed.
"There is a good chance she is hungry. How about you try latching her again and see if she will take some" my mom suggests, and I clip down my gown and nursing bra again. We have an extra pillow, so we stuff that under her to help hold her in the right position. Had we been home I would have had the handy nursing pillow, which I could have brought, but I didn't think about that.
"Want to latch baby" I say and do what I was told. I tease her little lips with my nipple which doesn't sound appealing but it's what you do, she opens wide, and I get her to latch making sure that her lip is upwards and downwards. I don't understand how people make this look easy, it's really not, not to mention painful.
Alex leans closer to my eat whispering to me "is it like when I suck your boob" he says, and I turn crimson red swatting him away not entertaining his little dirty joke. For now, my boobs are off limits to him, only my daughter has access now.
They say that the first few days of this is the worst, so I'm counting on that, I don't want this to hurt this much for long because that would really such. But I would still do it as its good nutrient for my little girl, and that's what's most important.
She finishes feeding and I burp her by laying her on my shoulder and patting her back. "I think her diaper is wet" I say nervously. "okay" Alex says and get a new diaper and wipes ready as well as something to change her on.
I lay her back on it and she is not happy being away from my chest, skin to skin is apparently comfy to her. "I know baby girl, but we need to change your diaper" I coo her which comes naturally actually. I think everyone has that voice they use on children.
Just like I suspected there were stuff on her diaper so nervously I change her. I'm scared that I don't get everything wiped away, so she gets a rash or something. And then I'm a bit scared about putting it on wrong but is there even that hard to put it on. I feel so stupid.
The diaper comes on and it wasn't that hard after all and now Alex can have her against his skin while I try to get some sleep.
***
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