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GUILT & DOUBTS
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Jun strolled through the streets of Konoha, which were slowly coming to life. She didn't want to go back to Kakashi and tell him what had happened that night and who was now going in search of Sasuke.
She didn't want to see the look on his face that would probably break her heart, because she knew he would blame himself the most for not having done more to stop him.
But she also knew that she had to tell him because eventually he would surely find out from someone else and that would only make things worse and that's exactly why, she turned around and went straight home.
With a shaky hand she opened the door and slowly took off her shoes and she could already hear Kakashi doing something in the kitchen. She didn't even try to hide that she was there, because after all he probably noticed it before she even opened the door.
With slow steps she went into the kitchen and dropped on one of the kitchen chairs, before she buried her face in her hands and didn't bring a word over her lips.
She only heard Kakashi put a cup of coffee in front of her and sit down on the chair right next to her, while he gave her all the time in the world to sort out her thoughts and wait for her to talk to him.
With a shaky hand she took the cup and took a small sip before looking to him with tears in her eyes and now she started to tell him what all had happened during the night and what decision Tsunade had made.
Kakashi just sat there and listened to her in silence. And even if he wanted to say something, he wouldn't bring anything over his lips, because it shocked him that he couldn't stop Sasuke from going this way.
But in return he also knew how powerful the urge for revenge could be and once you had these thoughts in your head, you would never get them out again. At least not until you had reached your actual goal.
And that's why they both just sat at the table in silence while Jun couldn't stop crying, feeling like she had completely failed and like it was her fault that Sasuke had chosen this path in the end.
She didn't even have hope that Shikamaru and the others would really manage to get him back to the village and if they came back home without him, Sasuke would be considered their enemy and that was a thought she couldn't bear.
All the hope she had that things would get better in a few days and they could return to their old routine fizzled out within seconds and now they had to face the fact that they probably wouldn't see Sasuke again for a long time.
"You know this isn't your fault or mine, right?", Kakashi broke the silence and reached for her hand to squeeze it gently and then pull her onto his lap.
"No one could have stopped Sasuke from these thoughts and no one could have prevented him from leaving the village at some point. Not even I could have done anything, because we can't stay with him all the time.", he stroked her back soothingly as Jun snuggled up to him and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck.
"I feel so guilty. If only I had talked to him about it again and told him myself that revenge wasn't the way to go. Maybe I could have stopped him in the end. Maybe I could have done something to keep him from running off to Orochimaru," she sobbed softly, squeezing her eyes tightly shut.
She didn't even want to think about what might happen if he found himself in Orochimaru's clutches. She could only roughly imagine what he might do to him and how he would convince him that this was the only way for Sasuke to get revenge on his brother.
And even though she had experienced bad things at the hands of Itachi, and even though she was still plagued and tormented by nightmares, she couldn't believe that Itachi would have wanted his brother to become stronger not through his own power but through someone else.
But now it was too late. She couldn't turn back time and especially she couldn't do anything now to make the situation better somehow. The only thing she could do now was to wait here with Kakashi in the village and hope that everything would work out in the end.
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"However. If Sasuke is inside that coffin, it would be totally impossible to take them on with a Genin team. We Jonin are in this plight. We should organize a special team and send them out for backup.", Anko spoke as she explained to Tsunade, Kakashi and Jun what had happened on their mission.
"We can't do that. Ever since Orochimaru's attack, the Leaf is currently losing strength as a great land. You understand that the Jonin and Chunin are being totally mobilized in order to take out possible domestic and international dangers. Even if the Sharingan were to fall into Orochimaru's hands, we should now prioritize avoiding war within other lands.", Tsunade replied, and Jun couldn't believe at that moment that despite all the dangers, they still thought they could manage to save Sasuke on their own.
"But...the Orochimaru situation isn't a problem that can be deferred forever. If he regains power he'll probably attack again.", Jun now interfered, because she couldn't leave the boys out there alone.
No matter how much she understood Tsunade that she couldn't spare anyone to help them and even if she knew that the situation in Konoha wasn't exactly easy at the moment, she couldn't just accept this decision.
She couldn't allow that she had to bury the next people that were so close to her heart and that would surely happen if they wouldn't finally be helped.
And even if she were to go alone, this would certainly be better than leaving Genin to fend for themselves, although everyone now knew that they would never stand a chance against these Shinobi of Orochimaru.
But no matter how much she wanted to leave, she couldn't leave the village behind, and so she had to put her own personal feelings aside and remember that she had to protect the people who lived here from possible danger.
"I know. I'm not such a fool. I was sure to think about it and measures have already been taken." but before she could speak further a doctor came rushing into the room with Guy, and everyone turned to the two.
"What's wrong, Guy? You're on the brink of exhaustion. Did something happen on your mission?", Tsunade said excitedly and Jun went straight to him and crouched down in front of him to calm him down a bit.
"No. I took care of the mission and ran back with all of my might. More importantly...", and now Jun supported him a little as he tried to sit up.
"Lee! What happened with Lee's surgery?", when all present in the room heard his question, they just puffed softly since they had actually already assumed the worst.
"It was a success. Starting tomorrow he can start to train if it's just for Jutsu.", to no one's surprise Guy immediately started to cry and Jun now also straightened up and shook her head with a small smile on her lips.
"Even though bed rest for a while would be best for him."
Everyone in the room had to laugh a little, because they really didn't expect any other reaction from Guy. As much as he cared and worried about Lee, probably no other teacher did that and that's why Jun always found their relationship remarkable.
And even though she herself had built up a close relationship with the students, she was far from being ready to lead a team and take responsibility for three children herself.
There were always so many decisions to be made and usually in a few seconds, that she just didn't feel ready to carry that burden in the long run.
Even back then it was hard for her to make decisions when she was on the mission with Team 10 where she was captured and Jun knew exactly that she would always choose to keep her kids out of danger.
But that was exactly the wrong way, because they had to learn to deal with what was lurking out there and because she couldn't accept that yet, she refused to lead a separate Team of Genin.
"There's trouble, Lady Fifth Hokage. Rock Lee is gone.", a doctor who had just come running into the room spoke and all heads turned directly to him, while Tsunade didn't seem quite as shocked as everyone else.
"I'm sure he followed the others to help them. I just hope he took his medicine with him.", she spoke, straightening up now, and before she left the room, she looked once more at Guy.
"Don't worry about anything. The operation went well and even if I would have wanted him to spend some more time in bed, nothing bad will happen if he fights."
Guy couldn't hold back his tears and a little helpless Jun now looked to Kakashi, who also just shrugged his shoulders and patted his friend reassuringly on the shoulder.
It was pure chaos and Jun had the feeling of losing herself in this mess and not being able to get out again. She tried to weigh what was right and what was wrong. She tried to find a way to not blame herself if she didn't run after them right away.
It was the guilt that almost ate her up inside and most of all it was the helplessness that made her heart so heavy. She played out quite a few scenarios in her head and yet she knew she could never have prevented it.
There was no way she could have stopped Sasuke from going down the path of revenge and deep-seated hatred for his brother and it probably would have come to that sooner or later either way.
She had no choice but to have faith in her former students at the academy and hope that she might somehow manage to bring Sasuke back home.