I could feel him tense up a little. He moved me to the side, and I looked up to him, I almost could hear him think. He looked around then opened a kitchen drawer pulling a gun out and headed to the door.
"Stay here for a bit" He said softly, and I rolled my eyes at him and went to grab a kitchen knife, and followed him, he rolled his eyes at me in annoyance.
He opened the door, and there he was.
"KARL♥!" I yelled and threw the knife to the nearest wall so I would stick into it and opened my arms so the little creature could jump on me. And he did.
"Ugh, I don't get what you see in it, they can get you rabies you know?" He said scrunching his nose as he watched me snuggle the small raccoon. He had a cellphone in his little hands, which Dazai took.
We have been uncommunicated all this time, in fear that our phones would be tracked so I'm guessing the Agency has something to tell us and sent Karl since he is well, a raccoon. One of the nice things that came out of the war was Rampo and Poe's friendship, or relationship. I don't know don't care, I just loved Poe's pet, the raccoon named Karl.
The phone started to ring.
"Shit it's a video call" I heard Dazai yell, I ran to my room with Karl still in my arms. I moved him to my shoulders so I could look for something to help us in the situation. I ran back to the kitchen and threw Dazai some eye drops, he just raised an eyebrow but put some and so did I. we looked at each other and did hand movements as if we were Broadway actors ready to go out on stage.
He pressed accept.
"Hiii guys! How are things? Missing us already?" Dazai said in his overly optimistic fake voice, and I just rolled my eyes.
"Hello, sorry for the long wait, there have been some discoveries, we think that in two days you can be back home, how are you handling things?" Kunikida said over the phone looking as serious as ever, I could see Atsushi and Kyoka trying to take a peak.
"That's nice, I miss eating things that aren't eggs and ramen" I said laughing.
"Is Dazai behaving? If not, you are free to beat him up as much as you think is necessary" Kunikida said, his tone almost encouraging.
"I am a gentleman as always Kunikida-kun, I don't get why you have zero faith in me" Dazai said, touching his chest as if he had been shot.
"So, have you almost killed each other, or fucked?" Yosano chimed in out of nowhere. I just blushed, my ears hot, Dazai, being high also slipped and we didn't answer immediately, and Yosano was raising her eyebrow.
"Yes" we both said at the same time but in different tones. Then we had everyone on the freaking screen, looking at us as if they were cops and we were being interrogated.
"Anyways, can we keep Karl until we come back?" I asked, trying to break the tension and presenting Karl like a baby on the camera as if they didn't know who he was.
"No! He comes back, that was the deal!" I heard Poe's voice in the background.
"Ashhh" I complained.
"Are you guys high?" Rampo asked, opening his eyes and smirking.
"Nah" "nuh uh" "pff" we both said different answers and Rampo just started laughing loudly, and I wanted to laugh too but Dazai elbowed me in the ribs.
"Well, we will keep in touch." Kunikida said suspiciously.
"You can use the phone to send messages and it has internet." Yosano said in the background.
"Please be safe! Atsushi doesn't want any siblings!" She added and I could hear Atsushi making a nervous comment. I just blushed and looked away.
"Aw wouldn't you want a mini me running around the office?" Dazai said while hugging me.
"No" we all said in unison, and Dazai faked crying.
Then we hung up and started laughing like crazy for a while, the weed still doing its job. We sent Karl off and I threw a tantrum.
"We should go to bed" I said, yawning, and Dazai did too, we went to our own bedrooms and said goodnight.
I was tossing around on my futon, I kept replaying today in my head. We were almost killing each other in the morning, then we were opening up with the help of mind altering substances, how we held hands, how we danced, how we kissed. I was blushing and squealing like a schoolgirl, Jesus Christ.
I heard a knock.
"You awake?" I heard Dazai's voice from behind the door. I just groaned in response. I am not used to not sleeping. He opened the door and stood on the door frame holding his pillow. I eyed him and moved to the side, he gave me a sleepy grin.
He made his way into my bed putting his pillow beside me, we were facing each other, our noses almost touching from how close we had to be to fit into the small futon, thank god he is pretty scrawny. He had this stupid smile on his face.
"What are you smiling about, mister?" I whispered to him, also smiling.
"You are in too deep honey, a lost cause honestly" His whispered between chuckles.
"Meh, tell me something I don't know, I have told you before, I am no good at doing what's best for me" I said softly.
He leaned in and gave me a soft kiss, I pulled him closer as if I was afraid he would disappear, because I was, not only literally but metaphorically. This man is a ticking time bomb and I know that, and here I am trying to defuse it, knowing damn well I don't have the experience to do this job.
"Stop thinking and go to sleep" He whispered in my ear.
"Get me to sleep then" I said suggestively and I could hear his eyebrow raised.
"Don't tease me like that." he said as his hands went from my waist to my hips. I just giggled and turned around to go to sleep, he cuddled me putting his arm on my waist again and pressing his body on mine, like a nice weighted blanket. And I don't know if it was the weed but I was knocked down.
♠♠♠
I heard a lot of noise in the bathroom. Throwing things around and small whispers. I turned around to find Dazai gone, pillow still in place, his side of the bed was still warm.
I tried to get up but my head was spinning and I was getting nauseous, my heartbeat was faster than usual and my ears were ringing. 'Oh no, I am coming down', I thought. I don't usually do weed for a reason, it alway bit me in the ass after.
I walked to the bathroom stumbling a little while holding my head, and knocked slowly on the door.
"Hey... is everything okay?" I asked, resting my head on the door. I didn't get an answer, I just heard noises.
"Osamu, are you okay?" I said, raising my voice a little. I heard even more noise, drawers opening, things falling, him cursing under his breath.
"Yeah... just go back to bed" he whispered and kept cursing softly.
"No, open the door." I said, trying to turn the knob. I heard water, just what is going on?
"Fuck off and go to bed, Ill be right back" He said with an unsual tone, voice breaking, and thats my cue.
I went to the kitchen and grabbed a hammer that was under the sink, walked back and stood in front of the bathroom door. A million thoughts running through my head, I am about to be really disruptive and intrusive. And I hit the doorknob with the hammer breaking it. The door opened slowly.
He was smoking in the bathtub, full bathtub mind you, cigarette hanging from his lips, no shirt, just bandages and sweatpants. He turned his eyes to me, tired red eyes looking at me from the side, his head resting on the bathtub, his arms resting in the corners of the tub, little red drops decorating the white of the bathtub.
He looked rough.
I let out a sigh.
"I told you to go back to bed" He mumbled with the cigarette still hanging from his mouth, he then stared at the thing I have yet to see and figure out.
"I guess I am in my rebellious phase again" I said entering the room and throwing the hammer on the floor, I rested my hip on the sink and looked at him, trying to figure out what I should do.
He didn't say anything, he just kept smoking and looking at the entity that haunts his reality. Bandages on his wrists turned pink from the blood and water.
"I can't do this." He said softly, still not looking at me.
"Do what?" I asked as I crouched down to get the first aid kit from under the sink.
"I can't have this" He said, in the saddest tone he has ever used when talking to me, he pulled his hands to his face, covering it and took a deep breath. I don't know if they were tears or water running down his face, and I wanted to cry. He looked just so... broken, looking like a kid who had lost his favorite plushie or his safety blanket.
"Why not?" I asked, getting close to the bathtub and taking a seat on the floor, my arms on the white edges.
"I can hear his voice over and over again, telling me I am going to break you and I won't be able to put you back together and it's going to be my fault, it is always my fault, I can't have this kind of life and it was my choice." His hands still on his face, cigarette ash falling in the water.
"If I break, you don't have to put me back together, I can do that by myself, I am not your responsibility. I am mine, I am my own." I whispered to him, reaching a hand to his, intertwining my pinky with his and slowly pulling so I could see his eyes through the cracks.
"You deserve the kind of life you want, you deserve happiness, so stop pushing it away." I gave him a soft smile.
"The life that I want, does not want me back" He said with empty eyes.
"Everytime I get a little closer to it, the memories of my past, what I have done, what I have allowed, tell me that every minute spent here is poison to everyone around me" He said, unknown water falling from his eyes slowly.
"You know even Mori regretted picking me up and taking care of me? He's too unpredictable, too much work, he said to Koyou once. I wonder how many times he thought of letting me die instead of saving me. If the dirt and low of the world doesn't even want you what are you supposed to do? Where the fuck do I fit in?" He added, his voice breaking at each sentence, and he hid his face once again.
I stood up and entered he bathtub, enduring the soggy socks, he pushed his legs close to him to make me space, I got close to him took the cigarette and threw it aside after putting the light out and put my hands on top of his, slowly I grabbed them so uncover his face, at first I could feel him tense up but he gave in at last.
"I think you are right where you need to be, I do believe Odasaku was right, you should be in the side that helps people even if it doesn't mean anything to you, where we are and who we are with stick to us, I can see the glimpses of joy you have when pranking Kunikida, or the soft smiles you give Kenji even when no one is looking, I think my friend, you are getting soft" I whispered extending his arms to me slowly, looking down at the loose bandages then back at him, asking for permission to uncover just a little.
His eyes were glassy from the built up tears he refused to let down, he had a concerned frown on his face and his breathing was irregular. There's no way you could believe this man in front of me was feared by several people, and still is probably. He looks like a frail child.
I brought up the kit up to the corner of the tub, and started to unwrap the bandages covering his wrists. He pulled them away a little, but not enough to get out of my touch. I looked at him and gave him a soft smile, pulling his arms close to me again and continuing to unwrap.
"I won't see any more than I need to" I whispered, and I kept my word, there were only 3 or 4 centimeters of his wrist without the bandages, the cuts were not that deep, but they were still fresh, thankfully no stitches are needed, I cleaned them and he flinched.
"I don't think I belong in the Agency, they are wary of me and they should, it wouldn't surprise me if the President thinks the same way as Mori" he whispered, as I placed the emergency laceration adhesive, thank god for those. I raised my eyes to him making a face.
"Uuh, you for once in your life are wrong, the President cares for you, for all of us, Mori cares for the organization and disregards its members, the President cares for his members, even if that disregards the organization. Yin and Yang quite literally." I said and I could see him think.
"People in the Agency care for you, yes they are wary of you sometimes, but it is because you are wary of them, you don't let them in so it frustrates them, and it is frustrating just so you know! I said pointing a finger at him and he gave me a soft chuckle.
"Anyways, I know it's scary, letting people in giving your history, but you are in control now, Mori won't take any of us away, no one will take us away, because we are choosing to stay, we are choosing this made up family of freaks, we are choosing to make the house a home, and you are part of it, so get in the family picture you dumbass" I said softly and kissed his hands and place them on my face.
"Can you sing to me?" he asked softly, and raised an eyebrow.
"Fine, but no complaining" I said and I pulled him forward and squeezed my way to the back, so he could rest his back on me, he did without much of a fight.
"You sing well enough" He said laughing softly.
"That's not a compliment" I laughed too.
Crack baby you don't know what you want
But you know that you had it once
And you know you want it back
I could feel his breathing getting back to normal, and his shoulders relaxed a little, I was playing with his hair.
Crack baby you don't know what you want
But you know that you need it
And you know that you need it bad
With wild horses running through your hollow bones
Wild horses running through your hollow bones
There we were, swimming in a puddle of dirt, shame, sadness, blood, tears and cigarette ash. And it felt comfortable, it felt human, it felt like healing, even if it was with an emergency adhesive keeping us from falling apart.
"How did you slip through the cracks?" He asked me, the sadness of his voice turning into curiosity.
"I didn't, I came in with a sledgehammer, and started to hit the brick wall you have made around yourself" I said laughing, I could hear him chuckle a little too.
"Plus, I am your selfish whim, as you are mine, so don't get it twisted. If we break each other, then we'll build each other back up again." I whispered in his ear.
He sat up a little and turned around, turned the shower on, and we stayed looking at each other through the water falling down, almost faking it was rain, without noticing we were hugging each other, I don't know how much time had passed.
He reached out to turn off the shower and passed me a towel and he grabbed one two, we got out of the tub, we glanced at each other soaking wet in the middle of the night, in a bathroom in a house in the middle of nowhere.
We laughed, the kind of laugh you share with your childhood friends about something that passed long ago and that no one else knows.
"Can you help me change my bandages?" He asked softly, voice trembling.
"Of course" I said softly, and I felt my eyes fill with tears, but none of them fell, I kept them in my eyes, now refusing to let anything go.
Bathrooms have become our little secret rooms where we hide from everything and everyone, except for each other, as if it was a place separate from space and time, no past can reach us, no future can threaten us, there's only the sweet embrace of the now.