●○● A/N: I just wanna say... markkit are idiots in love. that's it.
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-Mark-
I couldn't find Kit. I probably rushed through the security's questions like fire, just to get out of there and find Kit again. It felt like ages, I couldn't lie. As soon as I had finished, I rushed back into the infirmary. No Kit. I ran back towards the stairwell where I first found him. No Kit either. I was panting by now, as I was running from here and there, desperately trying to find him.
Did he leave? Surely he left. Where else would he be? He knows I wouldn't know where he would go. Plus, it's late now, he would probably leave anyway.
My hasty steps had now slowed down as I stepped out of the building and into the open air, the sadness beginning to cripple up my chest. The wind was slightly stronger today, and I thanked myself for wearing my engineering jacket. Sure, it was short-sleeved, but it still gave me some warmth.
Kit was nowhere to be seen, but I was refusing to believe that.
I don't know why I felt so stubborn tonight.
I'm walking through the outdoor arena, passing empty benches and tables. But then, I stop. I stop so suddenly that I almost fall over.
Right there, further away, sitting by the steps, was Kit.
I know it was him. I recognize the curve of his shoulders, I recognize the color of his hair, and I recognize the side of his face as he stares quietly into the open.
"Phi!" I say immediately, rushing up closer to him.
I watch him turn slightly to acknowledge my presence, before he gives me a nod, watching me as I took a seat next to him. He has his hands by his side, pressing down against the concrete floor as he gazes at me. He's not saying anything, and for a moment I wonder if I should say anything either. Having him here like this... it felt enough.
"I thought you left." I finally blurted out.
"I was going to." Was the response, short yet holding no signs of harshness.
Oh.
"How, uh- how have you..."
I'm tongue-tied. I don't think I've ever been like this before.
"What is it?" Kit sniffs slightly and glances back at me.
The moment our eyes meet, he immediately shifts his gaze away.
"How have you been?"
I sound so awkward, it's painful. I merely curse at myself in my head. I don't know why I was acting this way, it's not like I was doing it on purpose. But... I just didn't know what he wanted, or what he didn't want.
"I've been fine." I hear him reply, but I'm dazed.
Not when he's been avoiding me for a long time now, and I know that. I know he has been avoiding me. In the beginning, I thought it was just a coincidence. But over time, I realized that Kit was going out of his way to come up with good excuses. It piled up, one over the other, a mountain so high that I couldn't climb it.
I guess I gave up in the end. I gave up and didn't insist anymore. I would text him and chat with him, but I wouldn't go out of my way to insist on more time with him. One might say I'm being a coward, stopping right before the current. And that is true. I was a coward. But I wasn't stopping. I was in the current, and I was getting drawn away. Pulled away. Falling, into this confusing mess of emotions, feelings, thoughts, desires, needs...
It scared me so much. So in the end, am I really giving in because he wanted to avoid me in the first place? Or because I was scared to face my overwhelming thoughts in the second?
I couldn't stop thinking about him. I would wake up, and the first thing to trickle into my mind is Kit. I would go to sleep, and the mere moments before my brain drifts off to dreamland, all I see was Kit. Everything was Kit. I tried to distract myself in his absence, going out a little more with my friends and spending more time doing things I don't usually do.
But every time. Every single time I would be doing something else, may that be driving the streets at 11 PM, or laughing along with my friends at our local club, I would have this nagging feeling. This heavy nagging feeling in my chest, calling out to me. It was like a spell, deep and entrancing. It was everything euphoria. But it was also a drug.
I'm looking at Kit right now, the way his strands of hair blow gently in the wind, and I want to reach out and brush them out of his eyes. I want to touch his face, caress his skin, and nuzzle into his warmth. I want him to look at me with his pretty brown eyes, eyes which sparkle golden when hit by the sunlight, and just look at me. Acknowledge me. I want to make him laugh, tease him, maybe even attempt to tickle him, just to see those dimples crease his cheeks.
I couldn't forget.
I want to touch him, kiss him, claim his lips softly, in any way he would like. Anything he would ask for, I'll comply with his needs. How... how did it come this far? How am I getting pulled into the current this fast? How am I losing sense of myself this damn fast? Was I always like this? Did I know I'll be like this?
That one day, when I was stalking his social media with Wayu, pausing at the posts to look at his face, and thinking to myself, he is a very cute person. Approaching him in the library, the same cute face greeting me with a scowl and all. Was I expecting this?
"Mark..?"
I didn't realize I was staring at him as Kit suddenly snaps his fingers, once and twice, and I break out of my trance.
"Mark? You said you wanted to talk."
"Oh, um-" I stammer.
I let my eyes run over him, and I glance down at his neck. There are a few light marks of pink here and there, and my blood ceases from boiling. I wanted to be calm right now. I didn't want to be angry. I didn't want to waste my time with Kit by being angry.
"P'Kit, does it still hurt?"
"Ah.. this?" He follows my gaze, and his hand lifts up to touch his neck, "No.. not really."
I'm reaching out my hand, but his eyes sharply look at me, quickly but evident. So my withdrawn hand stops, and I pull back, resting it at the side of my body instead. And here, I don't know if I imagined the flash of disappointment on Kit's face, but I was certain I did. It was night.. and my vision might not be the best when everything around me's blurred up because of Kit.
"What do you want to talk about?"
"Phi, you've been avoiding me." I say instantly.
Kit grimaces and I barely miss the way his eyes slightly widen.
"And I understand. Believe me, I understand. I just- I feel like I have lots of things to tell you, but I can't. I can't because I don't know where to begin. Forgive me, forgive me please, for bringing this up again but Phi, good lord- I cannot forget what happened this weekend. I cannot for the life of me, pretend that everything's normal. You're not just my senior, my Phi, my tutor, anymore, do you understand that? You're someone that I... kissed. Someone that I hugged. Someone that I touched. I can't... go back to normal anymore. Forgive me, again, if I sound so selfish but P'Kit, if you cannot bring yourself to believe that I cannot forget, I don't... I don't know what to do anymore."
I want you to understand, Kit. I want you to understand me.
"Please tell me now, please end this selfish and suffocating suffering in my chest. Just tell me, answer me- did you forget?" I sound so desperate now, but I cannot hold back, "Please tell me. Talk to me. Send it to me via text, I don't care, just tell me. Now, P'Kit, please.."
If he didn't forget, then that's that. But if he forgot, then please, god. Please end this pain in my heart and take my desires away. Please make this easy on me. Please.
Kit's staring at me, quietly, but his breathing was heavier. I know that, because I could see it. I could recognize it. It took me back to when he was a shaking mess in my arms, breathing out heavily with every touch I'll place on him, and every ounce of my body fighting me to hold myself back.
"I... I'm forgetting already, Mark."
He stammers out the sentence, his voice fumbled and slightly trembling, but it was his confessed answer.
And yet, it was still an ice bucket of water being drenched over me.
"Oh."
My reply is short, for I'm holding back the quiver in my tone.
"P'Kit.."
I never leave him like this. I never, ever do. But I couldn't. I'm getting up, a gentle hand on his shoulder for parting. The wind is blowing again, and there are multiple shivers going down my body. It's cold. Really cold. But not as cold as my heart felt right now. I'm looking down at Kit, and he's following my gaze.
He looks confused, scared, unsure.
He shivers slightly and he stands up, following my broken gaze.
"Mark." He says, "I..."
I still, as if waiting for a miracle. But he doesn't say anything else. He's crossing his arms against his chest, his eyes moving away in quiet surrender. He shivers again, and I catch it.
"Cold?" I ask, and I'm already stripping myself out of my jacket.
"..Pardon?"
"Cold, right?" I bring myself closer to him, ridding of the space between us, "Get home safe."
I'm pulling my blue uniform over his shoulders, and Kit's frozen stiff as my arms work quickly around him. I bring the buttons to his front, buttoning one of the uppermost ones, before gently brushing a hand down his shoulder.
"Goodnight."
For the first time, I'm the one to leave him first, when I knew I could have stayed.
***
"Mark."
My gloved fist landed against the punching bag, ramming into it as hard as I can.
"Mark."
I drew my hand back, slamming it once more.
"Mark!"
"Huh- what?" I messily pulled at one of my earbuds, causing the blasting music to subside from one ear, "What, Wayu?"
"Anymore of that and you'll punch the bag open." Wayu leaned against the punching bag, steadying it with his arm before he narrowed his eyes at me, "Take a break. Go do the treadmill instead."
"Fine."
I shove the earbud back again as I lift my tank top to wipe the sweat off my neck.
"Limit yourself to a slight jog, Mark!" I hear Wayu shout out, "You hear me?"
"Why does it matter? It's exercise, for goodness sake. It doesn't matter."
Two days.
"Of course, it matters, your body is going to collapse. You've been going at this for about an hour, Mark. I'm worried."
Two days, and I haven't talked to Kit. Not even with text.
"I don't care, Wayu."
I'm okay.
***
My eyes run over the words on the paper aimlessly, as if everything's jumbled up. I understand this equation, I know I do. I'm pressing the tip of my pencil so hard against the sheet, it's chipping. I don't realize that though, not until the led breaks, and the sound of the pencil clattering on the ground is enough to make a few students glance over towards me.
Grimacing, I give them an apologetic smile, quickly leaning down to pick it up again. My attention had shifted, for the nth time that morning. I'm quickly working to sharpen my pencil again, and I look back at my worksheet. Questions and equations, over and over.
Familiar ones, familiar equations I have solved before.
May that be with or without his eyes on my answers, checking them if they're correct, and either telling me that I did a good job or scolding me for staring at him as he checked my work- I knew it was the results of his tutoring before.
Four days.
But who's counting?
***
The sound of the loud wind in my ear is almost soothing. It's steady and unchanging, as my fingers tap rhythmically against the wheel. I'm pressing on the accelerator, driving down the highway. My other arm hangs slightly out of the window, feeling the night breeze slipping past my fingers.
Besides me, I hear my friends laughing, chattering. Two are behind, leaning forward to chat to us, and we're shouting back to them. We can't help but shout, the wind is overpowering.
But it feels good.
"So- so now we know why the chicken crossed the road!" Jew shouts out and to that, Wayu throws a weak punch at him and I hear Jew making a sound of surprise.
"I've had enough of your dumb jokes, honestly. If I hear that joke one more time-"
"Dumb? I beg your pardon? Are you just offended that the witch turned out to be you?"
"All of his jokes are dumb, Wayu, you should know that better than anyone!" I laugh.
"Right- you're so right!"
"Oi Mark! Can we stop by the gas station? Craving ice cream!"
"Ice cream? At this hour?" I shoot back, but I'm already making a turn.
It didn't matter the hour. I had ice cream with him before. That one night, before I asked him to go on the weekend with me. Was that the start of everything? Or am I lying to save my own sanity?
I smile to myself, even though it was strangely suffocating.
I probably am. Lying, that's all. I admired him way before.
And I still do.
Even though it's already been six days, Kit. I miss you.
***
"He said he made extra, so..." I smiled brightly as Pa took the bag of cookies out of my hands, "He thought you may enjoy them."
"I sure will. Thank Wayu for me, will you, Mark?"
"Yes, Phi."
Pa returned a kind smile before he spoke again, "Are you sure you don't want to join us later? We're having a group dinner in an hour."
"Oh, I'll see if Wayu might join. I have some things to finish so, I may not be able to attend."
"I see. Well, that's alright! I'm looking forward to seeing Wayu, then. Take care, Mark. Thanks for dropping the package." Pa gave me a parting nod to which I nodded back.
I watched briefly as Pa got further away from me, joining his group of friends at one of the cafeteria tables. I made sure not to get any closer, though, as I didn't want to cause any disruption. I was in the medical facility, but I was already leaving.
For a few moments, I was hesitating, as my eyes grazed solely over a back that I recognized the most. It was crazy to me, that I could exactly pinpoint which one he was from the number of students sitting together.
Eight days.
I want to text you Phi, even though you left me on read a few countless times. Can I try again?
***
I did. I did try. I sent him one more text earlier in the morning. It was very simple, very direct, "P'Kit, I hope you're doing well. How are your studies going?" in hopes he would reply.
But he didn't. For the whole morning, he didn't reply. Morning turned into noon, then afternoon, and then evening, and Kit didn't reply. Fair enough, maybe my question was way too repetitive. I wouldn't doubt it, for all my texts were basic anyways.
Ah, but there's grumpy Kit for you.
I wish we talked. But I was selfish. I ran away. I could have stayed. I could have put on my nagging demeanor, giving and taking with him.
I miss you so much, Kit.
I wanted to tell him, but I know it might be overwhelming. Everytime I take two steps forward, he takes one step backward.
But it was the ninth day. I don't think it's ever been this long without talking or texting him. I was laying on my couch, my phone in my hands as I stared at the glowing screen through the dim lights of my room. It was a quiet, uneventful evening. I had my anime playing on the TV, but I wasn't even watching. My fingers were hovering over the keys.
M. Warisaphon:
P'Kit, I miss you so much.
I couldn't stop myself. It was already sent before my eyes. I don't even think he will respond to it anyway, and I toss my phone to my side, my gaze fixated on the ceiling. The brief sounds coming from the TV were to attract me, but I didn't falter.
I don't know when I fell asleep.
I didn't even realize I fell asleep, not until I was being jolted awake by a knocking at my door. It was loud, but brief, and for a second I was wondering if I imagined that in my sleep.
Knock, knock, knock.
I sat up immediately, the sleepiness beginning to drain out of my body. I glance at the clock and read the time.
11:43 PM.
"It's late, who in the world-" I murmur to myself as the knocking begins again. I stand up, quickly wearing my slippers, before I trudge over to the door, and I swing it open, "Jew, if you're here to ask for beer or-"
There's a high blush on his face, his eyes are glossy, and his hair is disheveled.
"Mark." He pants out breathlessly, and he's crowding me up against the door, "Mark."
I'm so startled, I barely catch myself from staggering backward and my arm shoots out to grab at the doorframe.
"Please- please, Mark." I don't know if I've ever seen him drunk before. But he was. He was so drunk, "Please.."
"P'Kit." My voice is shaking as I hold the trembling man in my arms. He was turning into liquid against me, grabbing at my shoulders as he breathes raggedly into my chest. His ears are flaming red, his hair is messy, and there's sweat against his neck. He was going pliant, and I was doing everything to keep my composure, "P'Kit, goodness, steady.. steady now."
Why have you been drinking? Why.. what-
"..Mark, I want you."
I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe.
Kit's looking up at me, eyes dilated and skin flushed, and his arms are rounding up against my neck.
"Please, please, Mark. I- I want you."
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●○● A/N: 20.04.22 Kit is drunk. he is so drunk. and he wants mark, so much. now what? we already know mark wouldn't do anything if kit's drunk- but how will kit react to that?