He'd thought it was happening to him during the war, he thought back then that he was losing his mind. That had been nothing. That had been a bit of stress and a bad night's sleep compared to this.
He didn't even know what was real anymore. He couldn't tell what were memories and what weren't, he couldn't fill in the gaps of what was missing anymore. Half the time, he thought he really was eleven again, or sixteen, or nineteen. And didn't realise he wasn't until the memory was over, and he was thrown into the next one.
He was relatively sure he was insane. He didn't know if insane people knew they were insane, but he thought he was. His mind was a mess. If he ever got a brief reprieve from the onslaught, he couldn't keep track of his thoughts, didn't know where his mind was.
James. Lily. Eff. Reg. Monty. Harry. Benjy. Marlene. James. Lily. Crucio. Monty. Harry. Eff. Imperio. Lily. Benjy. Marlene. Lacero. James.
Remus.
He was angry, he was incredibly angry. He hated Walburga, he hated dragon pox, he hated Euphemia for wanting to go, for wanting to leave him.
And then his stomach twisted up inside him, because no he didn't, he couldn't even bear to think that. He loved Eff, and it was him who was selfish and cruel, because he was angry at her for wanting to go.
And he didn't know what to do without her. He didn't know what to do if he didn't have her roast dinners to look forward to on Sundays, and he wished he'd just let Monty do whatever the hell he wanted with Sirius' hair when he'd had the chance, and he wanted them both back.
He only realised he was crying when Remus came bursting back into the room, worried.
"Padfoot," he murmured sadly, kneeling next to the tub and carding his hands through Sirius' hair. "I'm here, I'm here, what can I do? Please tell me what I can do."
"I don't know!" Sirius sobbed, the gut-wrenching pain of it all really hitting him for the first time. "I don't know what to do without them, Moony."
"They loved you so much. They were so lucky to have you in their lives, you know?"
Sirius flinched, the water sloshing about. " I got lucky," he said, gulping for air. "I- I never thought I'd get anything like them, and then I did. And now they're g-gone."
Remus stared at him, tears filling his eyes as well and his lips trembling. "I... I'm so sorry. That's all I can say. I'd do anything to fix it."
Sirius nodded shakily, still sobbing. "I still need them," he cried uncontrollably. "I wasn't ready to let them go."
Merlin, Eff. He hadn't been ready, he still wasn't. He wanted her now, the constant barrage was too much. He needed her to hug him, cradle him, be soft and kind and gentle. He'd always needed that, even if he'd only gotten a taste of it for the few years he'd had with her.
"He was my brother," he cried, tears streaming down his face, "he was still my brother. Even if he was bad, she made him like that. He- he used to be sweet, and shy, and- and I was the one who looked after him. And then I left him there!..
"...I can't do this," he confessed. "I don't know how to feel, Moony. But I was his big brother, that's all I know, and I let him down."
"I know, love," Remus hushed. "It's all going to be okay, I promise."
"It's not! All my family is dying!"
It had just been the start. Fuck, fuck, so many people. All his fault. His fault his fault his fault.
He was so cold. Even Padfoot's fur didn't help, the Dementors sucked out all the warmth, even the physical kind.
He didn't scream anymore. He didn't plead for forgiveness. No good, didn't do any good, no point. He stayed as Padfoot for days sometimes, but sometimes only for a few hours. Part of him wanted to relive the memories, feel all the pain again.
Penance.
He turned just in time to see a flash of green light, and Fabian being hit square in the chest. The Auror's face froze in surprise, and then he toppled backwards.
Sirius didn't even have time to react before Gideon's scream hit the air. The twin forgot all about the Death Eaters, and stared at his brother's body in horror.
"Gideon!" Sirius yelled, diving over and grabbing onto Gid's leg, just as soon as another Death Eater shouted,
"Avada Kedavra!"
Sirius apparated them both away to the first place he thought of - the alley behind the Three Broomsticks. He gasped in relief as soon as he landed, his pulse racing, and turned to look at Gideon.
But the Gid he was holding onto so tightly was dead, only his corpse left behind.
"IT'S NOT YOUR CHOICE!"
"I DON'T CARE!" Sirius screamed, any dignity he had left disappearing before him. "IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL, YOU WON'T GO!"
Remus' eyes widened in surprise, and he took a few seconds to reply. "You..." he said quietly, "you don't get to say that, you piece of shit. That is not fair."
"I DON'T CARE!"
"What's the plan, then?" Remus looked at him mockingly. "How long until I get to make my own choices again? Or do you get the final say, now and forever?"
"FUCK YOU!" Sirius yelled, and there were no thoughts in his head, just alarm bells ringing and ringing and drowning out any hint of rationality.
"FUCK YOU!" Remus shouted right back. "JUST GIVE ME BACK MY WAND! YOU'RE ACTING FUCKING INSANE RIGHT NOW!"
"NO I'M NOT!"
"YES YOU ARE! YOU'RE FUCKING PSYCHOTIC! YOU CANNOT FUCKING CONTROL WHAT I DO!"
"No, because it's like I'm not even a person to you right now!" Sirius screamed. It was almost like he was watching himself from outside his body, shrieking like Walburga used to, completely unhinged. "You think I'm going insane, I can see it, and it's only making me go more crazy! You act like I'm always about to snap!"
"Because you are!" Remus bellowed. "You don't sleep, you don't eat, you don't talk! And all I try and do is look after you, and you decide to take that as an insult! That's not my fault!"
"Well it's not mine either!" Sirius kicked the wall in anger, breaking through the plaster and barely even noticing. "I'm losing my fucking mind, and you abandon me!"
"I'm giving you space!"
"I don't want fucking space! I want you, and if you still don't understand that, then I don't know what we're doing together!"
Remus froze, looking at Sirius with wary eyes. "What are you saying?" he asked quietly.
"I'm saying that I feel so fucking alone even when I'm around you! And you don't want to talk to me, you don't want to fuck me, and I don't even know if you still love me, or you're just sticking around because you think you have to!"
"God, Padfoot..." Remus ran a hand through his hair, looking exhausted. "If you don't know that I love you, then I don't know what we're doing together."
"I don't give a shit! You should have told me! You should have fucking told me, Remus!"
"And what? Ignored Moody, ignored Dumbledore?"
"Yes!"
"Well that's not how it works!"
"I don't care," Sirius hissed, practically burning with fury. "You have no clue the hell I just went through. I was awake every hour of the day in case you came back and were clinging to life, I couldn't be there for the birth of my godson because I was waiting for you. I didn't know if you were dead or alive, I thought you would turn out like Caradoc, you'd just disappear and I'd never hear from you again. I thought you had fucking died, I was asking Benjy and Marlene how to fucking cope."
"Sirius... I really am sorry," Remus said.
"That's not good enough. You chose to do that to me, Remus, you knew exactly what you were doing and you decided to do it anyway. You motherfucker."
So many fights, so much screaming, so much shouting. It wasn't how Sirius had wanted it to go, he'd thought it was his chance at a loving home. But he ruined it, he couldn't exist like that. He wasn't built for it. Anything good he turned toxic, turned Black, that's what he'd done to Remus.
He hadn't meant to. He'd thought it would be good. He was sorry. Sorry, sorry, so sorry.
"James," Sirius said, "what is it?"
"It's Marlene. She's dead, Sirius, they got her whole family, I'm sorry."
"Ready to go?!"
"Fuck yes," Benjy said breathlessly.
"Confringo!"
Sirius didn't see who cast the curse. He was holding onto Benjy, smiling at him, when Benjy exploded in Sirius' hands, chunks flying everywhere and drenching Sirius in blood. Suddenly Sirius was only holding onto air and there was nothing but an empty space in front of him.
Lily bit her lip, her eyes boring into Sirius'. "Okay, Black," she said, her voice quivering, "if you think this is what's safest, then we'll switch."
"Thank you," Sirius said sincerely. They walked back into the living room, where James was sat with Harry. Lily looked at him and nodded once.
"We're going to do it," she said.
"...Alright," James said stoically, "if that's what you think. Who are we going to make the new Secret Keeper, then?"
"Wormtail," Sirius said instantly, "we know we can trust him, it's got to be him."
Sirius came crashing to the ground, no no no, no, this couldn't be happening, no. He ran to the entrance and froze, letting out a tiny, pained squeak. There was James, lifeless at the doorway, eyes open but glazed over.
He dragged his eyes away from James' body, poor poor James, loving, brave, righteous James, his brother, and carried on forwards. He heard the sound of a baby crying and started to run again, falling up the stairs in his haste and bursting into Harry's room.
Oh Merlin, no, not Lily as well. But there she was, in front of Harry's crib, in front of her son because she was a good mother, loving, her red hair spilling out over the floor.
"... Harry," Sirius pleaded, "Harry, I love you, I'll fix this somehow. I promise, okay, I'll make this all better. Hagrid, you have to let me take him, he's all that's left. Please. He's my godson, I love him, I'll love him so much, he should stay with me."
Harry started to cry then, and Sirius shook helplessly, reaching out, but Hagrid kept Harry far away.
It's Marlene. She's dead, Sirius.
Benjy, exploding in front of him.
Your father is announcing the death of Regulus.
It's a matter of hours.
James' body.
Lily's body.
Harry crying.
James Lily Harry Crucio fighting Lily Benjy screaming Imperio Regulus fighting bleeding James Harry Euphemia Monty cursing killing Benjy mourning Lacero Lily Harry James crying fighting shouting Crucio Imperio Lacero Regulus Euphemia Monty screaming crying Benjy Marlene cursing grieving James Lily Harry-
Remus.
When he got to the end, the memories started over again. Neverending, on a loop, sometimes all at once.
"I'm sorry, Mother, I'll do better, I promise, please."
"Not good enough," she sneered. "You need to pay for the shame you brought to this family." She waved her wand once more, and Sirius' limbs were pulled away from him until he was lying spread-eagled on the floor, face down, unable to move. "Lacero!" Mother spit, and Sirius felt a phantom blade pushing into his back.
It moved slowly, drawing out the pain, and Sirius screamed and wailed and screamed even more, but Mother didn't sto-
He spent more and more time as Padfoot. He was weak, he couldn't take it, he had to get away. Just a little reprieve, that's all.
A politician visited. Apparently the Minister, though Sirius didn't know that. Didn't know anything now. The other prisoners were all screaming, wailing, like he had a first. He didn't do that anymore. Stay as a dog as much as possible, cling to the scraps of sanity that he had left.
The politician seemed unnerved by him. Expected him to be crazier. He was crazy, but so were half the Blacks. It was easy to hide, if you knew how. You'd crack eventually, but you could keep the pretence up.
Head high, speak clearly. It gave him some small bit of amusement, watching the stupid Minister eye him with such fear. Idiot. Sirius was the one behind bars. James would've thought it was hilarious. He would've asked for the crossword, freaked the fool out even more, so that's what Sirius did.
Then he saw the cover.