Edward
Seeing her as a person.
Getting used to her presence.
Finding a reason to keep her alive.
I kept repeating these words, over and over again in my mind, meditating on them. Was I really able to do that ? Getting close to my enemy ? Was the girl really an enemy, or just someone I hated right now ?
While unconsciously stroking Aiyanna's neck as she slept calmly in my arms, I kept overthinking about the moment I'd have to be confronted to that scent again.
Before going back to school, I had to see my family. I had to talk to Carlisle, see Esme and my siblings again. Although it hasn't been long since we last saw each other, the fact that I left to flee worried them. I didn't answer to any of their calls and messages either during my stay in the Denali coven, ashamed and afraid they'd influence my decision.
"Edward..."
This murmur which sounded so clear to me was said by a sleepy Aiyanna. It was the second time that night, that she had called my name.
Aiyanna didn't understand why I liked being with her while she was asleep. The truth was that, I wanted to be with her whether she was awake or not. Her presence itself was enough for me to feel whole. I didn't get bored. On the contrary, these 90 years without her were much more boring than these moments were.
I left her house in the middle of the night while she was still sleeping. I wanted to hunt, change my clothes and come back before Aiyanna would wake up.
When I parked in the garage, I heard the thoughts of the members of my family. Alice had most certainly told them that I was coming back even before I made the decision to do so. So there was no surprise detected in their thoughts and voices.
I went to the living room, where I met all of them in a second. I was first welcomed by Esme who wrapped her small arms around me, and pecked my cheek.
Welcome home, Edward - she thought. I'm pleased you came back.
"I'm sorry for leaving without a notice." I told her.
It's fine. As long as you are okay, now.
I nodded and saw my siblings, watching me closely. Alice had told them everything I told her before leaving. She had called me, as soon as I made the decision to leave and therefore, became Aiyanna's driver that day.
"Why force yourself, Edward ?" Jasper asked me, not understanding why I was back so soon.
"It's going to be okay. I'm 93% certain that nothing will happen." Alice tried to reassure everyone, as she searched through her visions.
For once, I was the weakest. For once, I was the one who needed to be watched. It was irritating. Now, I understood what Jasper was feeling constantly. I sighed, hating this feeling.
"Shall we have a talk, Edward ?" Carlisle asked, out loud.
All eyes went to him, which allowed me to not feel their gazes that brought so much pressure on my shoulders. Internally, I thanked Carlisle for intervening, although he couldn't hear me.
I nodded, and the next second, both of us left the others behind while we went for a run.
Carlisle was the first one to stop, and I followed. Through his eyes, I could see myself standing shamefully in front of him. I should've at least tell him my intentions of leaving. But shame had taken the control over me.
"Did it ever happen to you ?" I asked him. "Meeting someone whose scent was better than other's. A lot more better ?"
"I did." Carlisle confessed.
A sense of hope started to fill me up, no matter how ridiculous it was. "What did you do ?"
"The same thing you did. I fled. Which brings me to ask you, why did you come back so soon, Edward ?"
I sighed. "Rather than betraying your trust, I prefered to leave. If things had been different, I would've stayed longer. But now..."
"You have something to lose." Carlisle completed me. I nodded, and he approached me to put his hand on my shoulder. I could see his compassion through his eyes. "I understand, Edward. I hope you realize that it comes with responsabilities. Do what's possible to keep Isabella Swan, alive. Even if it means, leaving again."
"I know. I know..."
Not only did I hate feeling like a coward by fleeing, but a part of me was also curious about this girl. How could one human being have a shield against my gift, but also trigger my senses this much, without even trying ?
"But you're not even thinking about leaving again, right ?" Carlisle asked, after deciphering my expressions.
I shook my head.
"Then do your best. Do not push your limits. But remember that if it's too hard for you, we'll follow. It would be better to leave before a life gets taken, right ?"
"Yes."
"Shall we hunt now ?" Carlisle suggested.
Although I also hunted before coming back to Forks, I thought it'd be better for me to be overfed before that biology hour on Monday. But deep down I knew that no matter how much liter of blood I'd drink tonight, it would mean nothing once I'd be seated next to Bella Swan.
~~
When I came back to Aiyanna's house after getting rid of the scent of blood on me, and my clothes, I found her still sleeping. I was the one to wake her up. This simple action had the power to make me feel happy. No matter how mundane it was, it made me forget the monster inside me. It made me feel normal.
After having her "human moments" as she liked to call them, Aiyanna had found a sit on my lap, and stared at my eyes as if she was trying to find an answer. The way her left eye squeezed as she looked at me suspiciously and the small frown that appeared on her forehead made me smile.
"Rather than looking at me like that, don't you think it'd be better to ask what you want to know ?" I suggested.
"If you can't do this, will you leave again ?" Aiyanna asked.
I could sense worry in the sound of her voice.
"I'll come find you." I told her.
Aiyanna sighed. I felt guilty, for being the one she loved. For not being able to give her the classic love story she deserved. Would she have been better off without me ? I couldn't help but think of Aiyanna's future. She'd go to university, start a career, get married... I could see her, dressed in a white dress and walking down the aisle with her father on her side.
But I also saw her growing old, and passing away. This simple thought brought sadness and pain in my chest. I envied my family. They had people who'd stay with them for eternity. They had a certain guarantee that I didn't have. I once thought about the idea of Aiyanna turning into one of us. But although I was cruel enough to stay around her no matter how dangerous it was for her, it wasn't to the point where I would put her through this much. I couldn't impose this choice on her.
"Promise me that no matter where you are, no matter what's happening, you'll come to me." she said.
I brushed her face with the back of my fingers, and she closed her eyes at the contact of my cold skin against hers.
"I promise."
She opened her eyes, and her once worried face brightened with her smile. Unexpectedly, Aiyanna pecked my lips, but instead of letting her lean back, my hand on the back of her head didn't let her go anywhere. I may have been pushing my limits, but I wanted to be consumed by her presence. Her lips were calm but were at the same time, asking for more. This kiss was a mix of despair from me and passion from her. However, it didn't last long. As soon as I felt the venom rushing into my canines, I pushed Aiyanna so suddenly that she looked at me with a surprised expression on her face.
"Wow, okay hum..." she started, while trying to collect her thoughts. "If that's how we're going to start our days from now on, I'm here for it." Aiyanna said enthusiastically, which again, made me forget about the sudden manifestation of the monster inside me.
"That would be pushing my limits and putting you in danger." I reminded her, but still not displeased by the idea.
"But, we can also see this as practice for you to get used to me." she shrugged.
"Are you using my weakness to your advantage, right now ?"
"Of course, I am. It's the only weapon I have." Aiyanna bluntly answered.
How could someone so optimistic be around someone as negative and doubtful as me ? How could she see light in a person as dark as I was ? I didn't deserve such support from her.
"Let's go now, or we'll be late." she said as she stood up, and picked up her bag.
"I'm the one driving, remember ?"
Aiyanna's smile died down and she rolled her eyes. "Ugh..."
During the car ride, the only noise were made by my car and the music that was playing from Aiyanna's favorite flute CD from my collection. The contrast of our temperatures while holding hands and the way our thumbs simutaneously stroke the back of each other's hands were enough to make me focus on her and nothing else. I refused to think about what was waiting for me. I refused to think about what I could do, and decided to focus on what I had today.
I didn't find the reason to keep Bella Swan alive. Instead, what I found was much more valuable to me.
It was a reason to stay with the people I cherished.