You shot up, panting hard for air. The beginning of a scream hitched in your throat.
It's okay. It's only a dream. Only a dream.
You grabbed at your chest, feeling the vibration of your heart thundering inside. Your body was drenched in sweat was violently shaking.
Taking deep, shaky breaths, you let the terror of the nightmare fade away. Finally calming down, you paid attention to your surroundings.
Where am I..?
As you questioned yourself, recent memories came back in waves. You'd been forcefully put to sleep by Claude after your small argument.
"Claude..." You sighed, rubbing your sweaty forehead. You sat in the silence of the empty room for a long time, hearing your breathing, the swallow thud of your heartbeat, the quietness of the room you felt stranger to, before making up your mind to move.
As you threw the covers off, you looked out the window. It was probably midnight. Means you only got a few hours of sleep. It was a blessing nevertheless. The constant throbbing in your head was gone.
"Athy." Panicked, you muttered your breath. "What happened to her?"
You quickly put together yourself and dashed out of the room, sprinting straight to Athy.
Once reaching, you leaned against the door frame, panting softly. The bedroom was dimly lit. You failed to notice the presence of another person as your frantic gaze searched for her. Your eyes landed on Athy and you couldn't hide the disappointment seeing her unconscious and still in a coma.
Ether had taken your place in keeping her magic under control and you were grateful for it.
You sagged against the door, feeling exhaustion beyond physical. Just how long Athy was going to stay in that state? Weeks? Months? Years?
Your heart throbbed and your eyes stung. You gritted your teeth against the feeling of hopelessness. You weren't going to give up just yet. No giving up wasn't an option. Especially not with Athy.
You didn't think anyone was there to witness your slip up from the cheerful facade you constantly wore.
Claude's eyes thinned as he angled his head towards you, lips pressed together in a hard line, his usual apathetic face on. Despite the stoned facial expression, his blue eyes glowed with immense frustration and annoyance at seeing you. Your stubbornness was grinding on his last nerves. He told you to rest and yet you...
Feeling a movement from the corner of your eyes, you looked up and your eyes met his and you couldn't look away. You could feel the tension crackling between you both.
You were tensed up. So was he. He felt so far away. The distance wasn't just physical where you could take ten steps and you'd beside him. It was the emotional distance. The lack of understanding of each other and the inability to properly resolve it.
You faltered in closing the distance, seeing him so emotionless made you hesitant. His apathetic expression was slightly off-putting after the intense display he had shown in his bedroom. You knew your words earlier had hurt him. You felt guilty. You had no intention to hurt him. It was just that the fear and worry for Athy had overtaken your rationality. And the past. The godawful past you couldn't let go.
I can't lose you again!
Your resolve to risk your life to save Athy's if necessary wavered. The determination you had to throw away your life to save Athy faltered.
Having heard his sincere words, the way he bared his heart open, and the rare vulnerability he risked to convey his feelings was enough to make you second guess your decision.
You couldn't go through it. You couldn't hurt Claude. As you reached the conclusion, you felt the walls closing in. The fact that you still hated seeing Claude hurt, the mere thought of him being in pain made you hurt spoke volumes of your own feelings for him.
You almost took a step back in fear. However, his cold gaze kept you locked in place. Grounded you to the feelings you were running away from. You stay rooted in place, deeply staring into his eyes which showed none of the hurt he probably felt inside. Hurt caused by you.
"Couldn't keep yourself away, huh?" Claude bit, his tone full of spite. His gaze flickered to Athy sharply before coming back to you, colder than ever.
You pushed yourself off the frame and continued to stare at him. Though his gaze was cold and emotionless there was a mesmerizing quality to it that kept you captive. There was a painful lump blocking your voice so all you could do was stare at him with a tight expression.
The feeling you kept buried inside, the feeling that kept growing steadily, uncontrollably each day threatened to overflow. Yet someone held you back. You couldn't betray that person.
"I'm so sorry, Claude." You said with a pained voice, with all the sincerity you could muster. Claude's glare faded away as he was caught off guard by your soft-spoken apology, his eyes slightly widening as surprise and confusion flickered over his apathetic face.
You slowly backed away, giving Claude one last glance, you turned around and sprinted away with one specific person in your mind that could help you with your current situation.
You kept running despite the soreness in your muscles. You reached your secret hideout where you'd come to calm down your anxieties, the secret place hidden near the lake, surrounded by trees and bushes away from all eyes. A place which held so many bittersweet memories of you and Claude.
The place hadn't changed much from your memories. The serenity of the lake, the peaceful sounds of nature, the soothing breeze and the beautiful reflection of the crescent moon. Everything was the same. Too bad the memories associated with them had been tainted with a bitter past.
Feeling the nostalgia creeping in, you hurriedly shook your head to get rid of it. Now wasn't the time to drop down memory lane. You came here for business.
It was a long shot for asking help from her but you had to give it a try.
"Are you here, Celestria?"
Only the sound of rippling water reached your ear.
You bit your lips, looking around intently, a nervous ball in your stomach. When there was no sign of her, you dropped to your knees.
"Please, Crazy lady I need your help..." You whimpered.
As seconds passed and only the sound of ruffling leaves and nature was all you could hear, your hopes started to fade away. Until the atmosphere changed. Became more heavy and ominous. A sudden eerie silence fell around you as all sounds mysteriously vanished.
"Crazy Lady?" A familiar voice spoke up, the sound echoing from all directions. "Didn't I tell you my name, child?"
A smile lit up your face as you looked at the mist amassing in front of you. It was probably the first time you anticipated her presence instead of dreading it.
A silhouette emerged from the mist, each step graceful as always. Her familiar dull indigo eyes peered at you with emotion you couldn't comprehend as she stopped directly in front of you.
You open your mouth to speak but Crazy lady cut you off by holding a finger to your face.
A mysterious smirk formed across her face. Her mist swirled around you, encompassing the surrounding view. Feeling wary, you kept a close cautious eye on her. "I know what you're going to request of me. However, the question is whether should I intervene or not. It's a matter of fate and one's destiny. An outsider's meddling might off balance its equilibrium."
You deadpanned. "Ah, cryptic as ever. Can you for once give a straight answer? I've no brain cells left to decode your riddles."
You were pretty surprised at your own sass. Despite everything, your sarcastic attitude still shone brightly.
She hummed, a distant look in her indigo eyes as she kept scrutinizing you. You shifted on your knees, holding in the frustrations and impatience at her silence.
"Tell me, child, how far are you willing to go to save her?"
You blinked. You were ready to state your willingness to risk your life but then Claude popped into your head and you became hesitant.
Celestria tilted her head, curiously. "Your silence is surprising. I predicted you'd risk your life but that not seems to be the case. Your hesitation is making me curious. What changed, my child?"
You looked away from her analyzing eyes. You were again reminded why you never trusted her. She was an unknown variable and still a mystery as ever. How you came into contact with her you had no memory of it. You couldn't trust her.
"Could it be that you no longer care to save anyone? Perhaps your resolve has wavered." The crazy lady tsked. You jolted in shock and slowly a fierce fire settled in your eyes as you glared at her, feeling offended at her false accusations. A satisfied look came over her face as her red lips curled up. Her cold fingers held your chin and you shuddered at the unpleasant touch. "Hmm. No, your resolve is still there but the focus is shifted. I wonder what brought on such change. But might I warn you, this wind of change you're carrying might make all your endeavours futile? The tragedy will repeat itself if you continued to waver in your resolve."
You flinched. Her cruel jabs struck right where it'd hurt the most. You bit inside of your cheek and held your tongue.
"Love is the origin of all things. Hate, conflict, violence, betrayal, everything. Could it be you finally found your heart? Are you afraid to hurt the heart you love?"
"Risking my life is no longer an option. It'd cause more harm than not." You swallowed hard and continued in a strained voice. "So I need your help. There's nothing more to it."
Celestria withdrew her hand, pulling a strand of your hair, watching it fall gracefully back on your shoulder. "I always admired your resilience, child. You're one strong girl with a will of steel. A rarity. However, that soft heart of yours, the empathy you have, the forgiveness you bequeath on others, and the sacrifices you make for those around you might become your downfall. Just like it was for your past self. You're far too kind for your own good."
Unwanted memories surfaced as she continued to talk in a taunting way.
"So would you help me or not?" You said through clenched teeth as you scooted away from her.
She watched you amused as you glared at her.
"In a few days, someone will arrive to help." Celestria finally said. "It'll be the person whose fate is intertwined with your little princess."
You perked up, the good news washing over you in waves of relief. You wanted to ask for specifications but the cold gleam in her soulless eyes made you reluctant to interact with her more than necessary.
"Why do you help me?" You asked instead. The burning curiosity to know your saviour was hard to ignore. This enigmatic woman was shrouded with mystery since day one and you still didn't know anything about her.
She silently stared at you, a contemplating look on her face. "Do you really want to know? Some truths are better left alone. You'll come to know the full truth in the end anyways."
"No, tell me now." You demanded. "I have every right to know the debt I owe to you."
Celestria smiled and it made you flinch. The smile was so genuine and real contrast to her usual soulless smirks. You froze when her cold fingers caressed your cheeks. Her quiet dark whisper rang around you as she slowly started fading away with each word. "You have a beautiful soul, a kind soul that's filled to brim with fighting spirit." Her overwhelming indigo eyes peered at you with a sharp, cold glint. A dark and twisted intent hidden behind her soulless gaze. "I have long sought out one just like yours. And within this broken tragedy, you provided me with one. When the time comes to pay your debt, do not hate me, child. For I am too a foolish human chained by her selfish desire to have her love back."
As she faded away, her words rang loud and clear. Though they were ambiguous and vague, they carried a certain factor of terror of the unknown. You continued to shudder even after she was long gone. The place she touched was ice-cold and numb.
You stay there crumpled against the ground feeling more lost than ever. Something warm trickled down your cheeks. You hastily wiped it when you realized you were crying.
"Geez, why am I crying?" You sniffled, aggressively wiping away your tears. You scoffed at yourself recalling her words. "Resilience? It's not like I have a choice."
Your chest heaved as you breathed through your nose, letting out a dry laugh. It was funny how she thought you were strong when in reality you felt anything but. You were just a coward hiding behind fake smiles and a cheerful facade, deceiving everyone around you.
"(Y/n)..?"
You jolted, blood running cold at his voice. In your emotional state, you hadn't noticed his footsteps. Quietly cursing under your breath, you quickly wiped away your cheeks to get rid of any evidence of your near breakdown.
His footsteps stopped right behind you. His shadow loomed over you as you sat there unmoving hoping he'd leave. Unfortunately, he had other plans.
"Who was here with you?"
Your eyes widened. Did he see her?
When you didn't answer, Claude let out a growl. "Who was it, (Y/n)?"
You stood up, dusting your clothes as you pretended to be unfazed. Facing him, you sighed like he was being a bother. "I don't know what you're talking about. As you can see it's only me."
Claude clicked his tongue, his sharp eyes scanning the area. "Someone was here. I'd sense magic signature other than yours."
Your expression tightened as you tried to keep your shock in check. "I don't see anyone else. You're probably mistaken."
Claude snapped his head towards you with a scowl. "You think I'd mistake--" Pausing he sucked in a breath as his eyes focused on your cheeks, "Were you crying?"
"Wha-?" You brought your hand on your cheeks reflexively to cover your tear stains. "No."
"Your eyes are red." Claude bluntly said, taking long strides closer to you.
"I-I...Something went in my eyes." You said, looking away from him as you stepped back. "We should go back."
As you hurriedly passed by him, Claude grabbed your forearm and yanked you back. A cold glare appeared on his face, his jaws twitched with rage as he tightened his grip on your forearm. "You...I don't get it."
You didn't struggle against his hold, stood there limp, keeping your eyes fixed on your feet as you felt Claude's eyes piercing through you.
"I told you I'd find someone to cure that child and yet you're crying over her as if she's dying."
"Claude!" Your voice came out more harsh than you intended. "It won't happen on my watch. She's not dying while I'm still here."
Claude's sharp eyes didn't stray away from yours. "Why are you so adamant she'd die?"
You flinched. "I never said that!"
"Your actions are speaking for itself." Claude stepped closer, crowding your space as his eyes grew calculative. "From day one, I'm observing you. You're always on edge when it comes to her, almost as if you know something." His blue eyes lit up like twin cold flames. "Tell me, the dark presence I detected, has it something to do with your fear?"
You recoiled. Your breathing grew shallower as the panic in your chest reached its boiling point. "I-I.."
Claude's intimidating figure towered over you as his voice became more demanding. "Did you make a deal with that thing? Since you're so sure that beloved child of yours is going to die, did you do something reckless and stupid like throwing your life away for hers?"
This time you couldn't hide your shock. Seeing your expression his own eyes widened and narrowed into a malicious glare.
You wanted to hide away, disappear. How did he piece everything together so quickly with such few details? You were dumbfounded at his sharp intelligence.
"I guess it won't matter what I say. You have already gone so far away from my reach, I can only watch you from afar." Claude leaned down and pressed his forehead against yours and scrunched his eyes shut, his pained whisper tugging at your heart.
"That's not true." You nearly whimpered. You wanted to hug him, soothe the misunderstanding he harboured, the pain you've been causing him unintentionally yet your body refused to move. There was a fear muddled in with your hesitation.
Claude shook his head. "You say this but I know the moment l let my eyes off you, you'd leave like everyone ever did. I'll be abandoned in the end, it never changes."
You shut your eyes as tears welled up in them at his pained whisper. "You're wrong. I'm not running away again."
"For Athanasia. Not me."
Desperation. Pure unadulterated desperation and fear slipped past his apathetic layer, coming on the surface laid across his features in a pained grimace.
Claude made a pained sound muffled in his throat.
"If I asked you to stay, never leave me again, will you do it?" Claude said quietly. His eyes bore deep into yours, keeping you locked under his gaze. "If I said I want you beside me forever, will you stay?"
Your chest felt painfully tight. Claude's pleads tugged at your heart and tore it into pieces too.
"I'm not Diana."
There you said it. Voiced your deepest fear. Fear that was rooted since you returned. Fear crept on you again and again whenever you tried to accept his affection. Whenever faced with Claude's feelings, whenever you were close to accepting them, the fear always came back with vengeance.
What if you were nothing more than Diana's replacement? What if all he ever saw was Diana, the care, the feeling he showed you were not for you but for the shadow of Diana he seek in you?
This fear too was rooted in the past. Your feelings were never acknowledged back then so why would they be acknowledged now? When Diana was the only person he ever loved, then why would he choose you?
Your knees buckled, losing all the strength as thick sorrow swallowed you whole. Claude still frozen in shock reached out instinctively to catch you. His strong arms locked around you securely. He without a protest let you slide down on the ground as he dropped down along with you.
"I'm not her, Claude." You cried out, looking tearfully into his eyes as you confessed your deepest fear. "I can never be her." You didn't want to be her. You were your own person. You didn't want to live your life in the shadow cast by another. Being a mere replacement for someone else's affection.
A strained silence fell around you both. You quietly sniffled, keeping your head low and eyes shut as the weight of the words crushed you. The doubt eating you inside was finally out in the open ready to be judged by him. It was safe to say you were afraid of what he might say
For once in his life, Claude was rendered speechless. He was at an absolute loss for words, unable to move a single inch. He stared at you with eyes stiffened in shock.
So this was how you felt all this time.
Claude's breath hitched, caught in his throat as your words repeated in his mind. Suddenly his chest tightened in heaviness with irrepressible emotions that sprang up violently. He grabbed at your arms to hold up so he could look straight into your eyes, the moment his gaze fell on unshed tears, he jerked away from the sight. It was painful for him. Your shimmering, tearful eyes felt like daggers to his heart.
He swallowed hard, keeping his strength in check as the emotions flared up inside him. The guilt and regret made his breathing hard.
He wanted to shake you and shout at you for having such stupid notions in your head.
He never sought Diana in you. It was the exact opposite. The only reason he let Diana close, the reason why he felt attracted to her was that he saw a tiny fragment of you in her.
Her radiance reminded him of you.
Until that illusion broke and he realized she was not you. She could never be you. He was mistaking two different people for one. It was like comparing firefly to the sun.
But he didn't know how to put those feelings into words. He didn't know how to make you understand. How was he supposed to erase your doubts with words alone? Mere words he couldn't conjure up. He truly hated his inability to convey, to communicate what he truly felt.
A tiny growl of frustration left his throat. His hands were shaking at this point as his mind spun to convert his feelings into words. He was failing miserably.
"I.. You're not her... I never want you to be her. I.."
Claude grounded his teeth together as words failed him.
At his silence, your heart dropped as your stomach sank in realization. It wasn't you he wanted.
"It's fine. I guess." You said wiping your eyes with your sleeves. There was a sad note in your voice as you chuckled, your hair shadowing the sadness and pain in your eyes. "I knew you loved Diana. You still do. No one could ever take her place in your heart. Even so...I selfishly wished you to be mine. I.." You halted choking and shaking your head as tears trickled down your cheeks rapidly.
It was so painful. It felt like someone was jabbing a knife at your heart. It wasn't okay. Nothing was fine. You weren't okay--
"I love you."
You froze. Every sound reaching your ears vanished as a low buzz took its place.
Were your ears playing tricks on you?
Your head shot up, eyes widening in shock. Your heart hammered loudly as you held your breath to focus on him.
Claude's hand on your forearm moved and travelled up to cup the back of your neck, tilting your head up to connect his forehead with yours. He didn't say a word, only stared back at you with intense eyes that held no signs of deception, only sincere and genuine truth in them.
Breath getting caught in your throat at his piercing look, you whimpered in disbelief, "You..you are not making fun of me right? Is it a joke? Are you saying it out of pity?"
"No. Didn't I say before I'm not the one for lips service? I don't say things I don't mean."
The words struck you with nostalgia. Staring deep into his jewelled blue eyes you saw the reflection of you. Taking a shaky inhale, you whispered softly, "You mean that?"
"You don't believe me." He murmured dejectedly, nose bumping into yours. His eyes flashed as he leaned further down, inching closer to your lips. You shivered when his breath hit your lips as he spoke, "If not words then my actions should make you believe me."
"Claude.."
You stilled as a soft and warm sensation pressed on your lips. An electrifying feeling filled your veins. It was soothing and hot at the same time. Your eyes fluttered shut, an involuntary pleased sound leaving you as your hands fisted on his robes tightly and you kissed him back.
Claude sighed into the kiss, reached out and pulled you closer by your nape, cutting off any and every distance between both of you.
As the unexpected sweetness of your lips sank pleasantly into him, the warmth of your body enveloped him completely, the abyss he succumbed to lit up, and a warm light flickered to life in the pitch darkness his core had become.
He was scared and in disbelief at the extent he had fallen for you but what terrified him most was losing you again.
It was an undeniable fact that he loved you. For a long, long time. Back then when he didn't even what love meant.
And at that moment he promised himself. Never again he was losing you; his home, his world, his everything.