A icy silence engulfed the room. The question hung in the air, rising the tension.
Claude shifted his eyes away from you. His hold on your hand tightened to the point of hurting. You didn't pull. You knew the moment you let of his hand, he'd become distant and out of reach. You didn't want that.
You were becoming impatient with his silence. There was tangible fear and anger along with disbelief reflected in your eyes.
"Claude?" You pressed on, squeezing his hand which was slightly cold to touch, encouragingly.
Claude pressed his lips into hard line, brows scrunched together in torn expression. Before his expression smoothen out, becoming mask of perfect calmness and disinterest.
"....Why, you say?" Claude tilted his head, a dull cold glint in his blue eyes. "....Hmm. I don't remember. It was long back."
Wha--? You gaped at him. He used dangerous, potentially life threatening black magic and he doesn't remember?! Bullshit!
You finally snapped. "What do you mean you don't remember?! Black magic, Claude! You used black magic! You're saying you forgot the reason you used it in first place?!"
"Yes." Claude replied with infuriatingly calm, causally cold voice.
Your annoyance rose higher when he didn't bother to look at you. The distant cold look in his eyes only deepened.
"Seriously?" You shrugged off his hand and stood up with agitated, angry expression. "You think I'd eat up your bullshit. Claude, tell me why did you use black magic when you know how dangerous it is!"
You started pacing around the room, tugging at your hair to dispel the mounting frustration and agitation. "Black magic never ends in good, Claude. I thought you knew about it so you banned it in Obelia. But you were using it on yourself all along! You are a smart guy, Claude, then how come you pulled one of the most dumbest shit I've ever seen!" You turned to him and shouted, "Just what the hell you were thinking?!"
Claude remained unfazed, looking indifferent as you raged on him. His cold eyes shone mysteriously as he followed your movements quietly observing you.
Seeing his cool composure, you forced yourself to calm down and quell the fearful agitation and think.
He said he used black magic after Diana's death. Probably he couldn't handle Diana's death and decided to erase his memories and destroy his emotions.
Turning to him, you tentatively asked, "Did you erase all your memories?"
Claude paused, scrutinizing you before he answered warily. "Only of hers."
So your guess was on spot. He erased his memories of Diana to cope up with her death. You felt bittersweet about it.
It pissed you that he planned to erase Diana from his life yet somehow you understood his reasoning too.
You knew the pain of losing loved ones all too well. And the desperation to stop it from tearing you each day.
But for Claude to choice such fatal solution. You were finally realized the extend of his unpredictability and how potentially dangerous Claude was. For himself and those around him.
A ominous chill ran down your spine as a startling possibility crossed your mind.
Claude used black magic to cope up with Diana's death. Does that mean past Claude had done the same?
You stopped midstep, brows creased together in deep thought. A frantic wave of emotions crashed on you. You throat suddenly felt like sandpaper, dry and scratchy each time you tried to swallow down the fear.
You stomped up to Claude who was silently gauging you and grabbed his shoulder, he flinched in surprise.
"Claude, what are the side effects?!" You demanded, urgently. "Black magic always has adverse consequences on its users. How does it effect you, Claude? Tell me!"
Claude froze, seemed loss for words as you stared back at him with frantic look. His eyes slowly lost his cold glint and softened into calm look contrast to your chaotic state.
"Stop pacing and sit down."
You yelped when he grabbed your waist in one swift movement, and spun you around to sit beside him. Your hand were still tightly clutched on to his shoulder for balance, one of his arm wrapped around you while other hovered close to your face, hesitantly. You blinked rapidly as your mind malfunctioned at the close proximity, a different kind of nervousness filled you as your heart skipped several beats. Your hands subconsciously tightened on his shoulder, as your held your breath staring back at his half lidded eyes. When his big hand came to rest on your flushed cheek, his soft hair caressed over your forehead as he leaned forward with his piercing eyes fluttering close, you snapped out of your trance eyes widening in alarm.
"C-can you stop?" You pushed his shoulders and scooted back, flushed face twisting in annoyance. Your heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was trying to jump out of your ribcage. "I'm asking something serious here!"
Claude blinked, seemingly dazed before the glossed over look in his eyes cleared and he stiffly let his hands fell limp on his sides, expression turning sullen and hard.
Don't think about it. Don't think about it! Nope! Nope! Don't let your mind wonder to dangerous places!
You chanted as you fiddled with your fingers before tightly fisting the sheets underneath you, looking anywhere but him. Your heart was still erratically beating, refusing to calm down, your lips pressed in hard line to stop them form quivering.
The temperature dropped between you two, a awkward tension building up.
Claude mumbled a inaudible curse under his breath. You could feel his probing gaze on, senting a shiver down your body but you refused to look at him. Pushing back his bangs, Claude roughly sighed and said with strained, cold voice
"The spell was incomplete and was broken before it could complete it's task fully."
That caught your attention and brought you back to your initial queries. You pushed back the embrassment and awkwardness and focused on him with eagerness for answers.
When he noticed your eager gaze on him, a small tired sigh escaped him.
"To answer your question, there's no side effects since I stopped using black magic."
"But there were consequences, right?" You pressed on, completely forgetting about your initial predicament. "What were those?"
Claude narrowed his eyes suspiciously. You kept your expression unreadable, not letting take a read on you. "...Weakening of mana and terrible headaches."
"Headaches...?" You mumbled with a frown, eyes blurring as your mind flashed back to past.
Claude clarified, voice still cold and strained, "Not exactly a side effect. Your and that child's presence triggered the spell in the worst way. It gave me terrible headaches since both of your presence stood in contrast to the purpose of the spell. It was annoying."
... Didn't past Claude had constant headaches whenever Athanasia was around.
You gulped, "How much time it would've taken for the spell to be completed? 3-4 years?"
"...Probably." You didn't notice the growing suspicious look in his eyes as you fell deep into your own thoughts.
If past Claude had used black magic-- like every evidence pointed at -- the spell must have been completed by the time 9 years old Athanasia met Claude who was just husk of his former self with no emotion. Was his cold indifference and neglect towards Athanasia because of black magic?
And weakening of mana? Mana was one's life energy. Weakening of one's life energy meant.... earlier death.
Cold sweats formed at the base of your neck as a deep icy chill crawled over your body. Colour drained from your face leaving you pale.
Did Claude... died due to persistent use black magic for so long?
Just what the hell happened after I died?
"You shouldn't bother yourself with it."
You jumped in surprise, snapping out of your horrific realization of your misgivings from your past.
"It's in the past. Done and gone." Claude said, piercing blue eyes seemingly cutting through your soul. You trembled under his suddenly intimidating gaze. "There's no point bothering yourself about it now."
You averted your eyes away from his intense scrutiny and smiled drily. As if it's that easy.
Aren't you a hypocrite, Claude? You wanted to say but refrained yourself. Claude was still holding on to Diana and yet he was telling you to move on. Hilarious.
It was the same reason you pulled away earlier.
You sharply inhaled, shaking off the unfair bitterness swirling in your heart.
It was not like you willingly wanted to hold on to the past. Moving on was something beyond your reach for now.
If only you could leave the past behind. If only you could break free from the despair and suffering of the past. If only...Maye you'd finally be genuinely happy.
You clenched and unclenched your trembling fists as the new information and it's ramifications sank in. You had to prevent Claude from using black magic to avoid the same outcome of the tragic past. A past unknown to you till now, where everyone you cherished had perished in the end. The tragedy had continued even after your death.
Anxiety gnawed at your soul as heavy burden of the future weighted on your shoulder along with the haunting scars of the past.
You didn't want anyone to die. You had seen too many deaths already.
You didn't want to lose anyone. Not again. You didn't think you could handle the pain.
"Claude," You said, voice cracking slightly, while you grabbed the front of his robes into tight fist. "You stopped using black magic, right?"
If Claude was surprised by your actions, his expression didn't showed it, though you felt him tense up under your hold. He narrowed his eyes into thin slits, observing you with piercing, scrutinizing gaze, his jaw clenched tightly.
Your nervously waited, not breaking eye contact.
"Stupid."
You let out a indignant squeak, leaning away while cradling your forehead where Claude just flicked suddenly.
Claude brought his hand down, eyes hard and cold, flickering with a indiscernible emotion while his jaw was clenched like he was annoyed.
"Wha--?" You spluttered. Did he just flick your head?!
"Stop with that look, it's bothering me." Claude clicked his tongue, frowning hard. "I stopped using black magic for a while now so stop making that face."
You shoulders sagged yet the crushing weight on your chest hadn't fully lifted. That's wasn't enough to quench the burning anxiety slithering all over body and sinking into your soul.
"Promise me." You said with small quivering voice, trembling hands clenched on your thighs to stop him from noticing, while your head was downcast to hide away the despair and desperation etched on your face. "Promise me you'll never use black magic. No matter what. Promise me, Claude."
You breathed through your clenched teeth. Blinking rapidly to stop the onslaught of tears. You took staggering deep steadying breath to calm down your heart and mind and take control of your overflowing emotions that was throbbing painfully within your chest.
Damn, you couldn't cry. You shut your eyes tightly, willing yourself to stay strong. Not infront of Claude who still hadn't spoken.
"Well?"
You glanced up only to face a pinkie finger pointed at you.
You stared, confused. Claude didn't say anything, only held out his pinky to you.
His expression was stoic yet his eyes were glowing with a nostalgic look.
You searched his eyes and finally caught on. Pinky promise. That's how both of your friendship started. With this small insignificant, seemingly childish gesture, Claude had let you in his life and you had let him in your heart.
He remembered...
Your despair receded, warm nostalgia taking it's place. A small smile curved up your face as all gloominess vanished with his small gesture. You were shocked he remembered.
It means he still cherished your time together with him when things were still simple, when your bond was unflinching and hadn't experienced the pain you now have.
It made you happy.
Claude always found ways to remind you that he wasn't past Claude, even if he was completely unaware of it. And it did the trick, you were always brought back to present and could clearly see the heavy distinction between him and past Claude. Though both of them shared the same face, had similar aloof, apathetic attitude, that's where the similarity ended. They were only similar on superficial level, once you dived deep you'd see two different person.
Maybe it was selfish and egoistic for you to think your involvement in his life had impacted Claude greatly. But you hoped Claude wouldn't turn out same as past Claude.
Looking at him closely, his soft, calm blue eyes, his relaxed softened expression and the small, almost invisible curl of his lips, you knew he never would be him.
You slowly interlocked your pinky with his, smiling stupidly.
"I promise." Claude said, a nostalgic look in his eyes as if he too was gazing at the same memories you were experiencing. "I won't use black magic. Satisfied?"
"You better keep it." You said, tightening your pinky around his and waving it in the air with a silly smile. It was such a childish gesture that you made you giggle, excitement and giddiness overflowing you
However it was something unique to you two only. Only you and him would understand the importance it, the hidden meaning behind it and the secret place that it held inside your hearts.
Claude's lips visibily curled up into half smile and half smirk, "or else I'd go bald?"
Your eyes widened, taken aback. Claude stared back unflinchingly, head tilted to side.
Your eyes softened. You still had so much to learn about him. The sides that he kept hidden that occasionally peeked out. Like right now, you didn't think he'd remember your specific conversation from back when you were kids.
It surprised you. Not in the bad way. Actually you liked it, a lot. You like this reminiscing, open with his thoughts Claude that held on your fond memories with him.
You let out a soft breathless laugh before your eyes lit up mischievously, and you smiled slyly, "No, you'd traumatized Athy. How would she feel if his young father suddenly went bald and became ugly?"
Claude rolled his eyes like him being ugly was a ridiculous notion. "As if."
You smiled. Even his arrogance reminded you of old times.
"Well, aren't you hoping for me to lose my teeth." You said, a sarcastic smile on your face.
"...No, it'd ruin your smile." Claude leaned forward, a smug smirk on his face appearing on his stoic face. "How would Athanasia feel if you suddenly lost the only good thing about you."
Asshole.
You stuck your tongue. "She wouldn't hate me. In fact she'd still love me. Can't say the same for you!"
Before you paused when the full meaning behind his words finally registered.
"W-wait, you like my smile?" You asked, jaw dropping.
You let out a small surprised sound when Claude pulled you forward with your pinkie, just inches away from his lips, his nose bumping into your. Caught off guard, your breath hitched, heart thumping louder as you stared wide eyes. Claude stared for a few seconds, blue eyes flickering all over your flushed face. Leaning forward, Claude tilted his head, his lips lightly brushing on your left cheek as he softly murmured against it.
You stilled, shock immobilizing all your thoughts process.
"I don't dislike it." He deliberately paused, your felt his warm breath fanning over your cheek senting your already erratic heart into frenzy. "And I wouldn't hate you either, even if you lost all your teeth."
He pulled back right away and smirked at your flushed, astonished expression, eyes lingering on your parted lips.
"You should sleep." He abruptly stood up and looked ready to teleport away.
"C-Claude, wait! Hold on--!" You shouted, snapping out of shell shock trance.
Claude halted, he paying attention to you instead his gaze darted over the window sill where a lone red rose in a vase glowed with preservation magic.
You shrank back in embrassed, losing your voice. Shit, he found about it since it was in plain sight! It wasn't like you expected him to barge in your room or you'd have hidden it somewhere away from prying eyes.
Claude stood rigidly there gazing at the rose and you felt like melting away from the embrassment. Claude pursued his lips before his hand reached up to cover lower half of his face. He glanced over his shoulder to meet your bewildered eyes for a split second before he, almost hurriedly, teleported away.
You placed your hand on your chest, while other caressed the burning spot on your cheel, feeling the loud, erratic thumping beats still going on when you caught a small glimpse of his smile. His smile!
Holy shit, Claude was smiling! Smiling!
You threw yourself on the bed and screamed into the pillow, hugging the life out of it.
Needless to say, you couldn't catch a wink of sleep all night.