Urgh!
You rolled over, clutching the pillow close to your heart as you tried to erase the revolting image.
The scene continued to play in your head like broken tape. Repeating, repeating and repeating...
"Stop!" You slammed the pillow on your face.
You felt like crying. Felt like screaming still the image repeated itself over and over again. Claude kissing Penelope. Fuck..
"Stupid heart!" You punched the pillow grumbling. "Stupid feelings! Stupid Claude!!"
Meow!
You grumbled into the pillow, smothering yourself. "Stop judging me Ether. You didn't see what I saw. Them. Claude and Penelope kissing. Do you know how much it hurts? How much it hurts. And that stupid Claude is so freaking oblivious!"
You lifted your head and looked at your cat. "But then again I never told him about my feelings. But I just realized it myself. How was I supposed to know that Penelope would pop out of nowhere and declare herself Claude's love interest."
You rolled over your back, blankly staring at the ceiling.
"You must be thinking I'm crazy. Complaining to you about my nonexistent love life. No, not love, crush. Just a crush at least I hope. I'm truly a hopeless idiot."
"Meow!"
Ether jumped on your chest and started rubbing his whiskers on your cheek.
"Stop. It tickles!"
Suddenly he pulled on your nightwear. You frowned when Ether pointed outside.
"You want me to go out? What are you a dog asking me to take you on a walk?"
He threatened pulled out his claws and you put your hands up in surrender, chuckling.
"Well, I don't mind. You make me happy so it's only natural I make you happy, Ether. Let's go, my lovely magical cat!"
A white magical circle formed underneath you. "I thought we were going to walk."
"Huh? It's not the place--" You hid behind the tree, heart pounding hard. You clamped your mouth with your hand in shock. "What's Claude doing here?!"
Really, why was he here?!
Slowly your shock subsided and another feeling surged up. You peeked at him, at his back which looked so lonely. He sat underneath the sky, knees close to his chest, curled up in a fetal position.
How long was he here?
Why was he sitting so still as if his time was stopped?
He quietly gazed at the sky covered by clouds. Today there weren't any stars shining in the sky. There was no light, only endless inky darkness.
He was gazing at it like there was something only he could see, something only for him. What in the world were you gazing at in the empty darkness?
Your hand clenched on the tree bark, the rough surface digging into your soft palm.
Weren't you supposed to be happy? You finally got your happiness, you found love so why...
Tears blurred your eyes and your fist clenched until it was a white sheet.
So why were making that hollow expression?
Why were you looking so hollow, so broken?
Why do you look like you have given up, were lost and abandoned by everyone?
You couldn't handle the feelings anymore and turned around to leave.
"Don't go."
The deep lonely voice made you stop in your track. Initial shock subsided, and only painful feelings remained.
His voice... Why am l now noticing that it sounds so nice?
Fuck. You were losing your mind.
"Stay. Just for a while."
There was something in his tone that had your heart constricting painfully. And you took a deep breath.
Your back was still turned to him. You couldn't muster the courage to face him. You slowly slide down, curling on the soft grass and leaning against the tree.
"You'll stay there?"
Flustered you hastily opened your mouth. "Y-yeah. You know, I just rolled out of bed and I look wrecked disaster. So yeah Imma stay here and save you from my unsightly appearance."
"How bad it can be?"
"You don't want to know, believe me. You'll start questioning my very existence if I'm a girl or not! Just to be clear I am."
Please fall for it, fall for it!
I..I don't want to show you my tear-stained face. I don't want you to see my longing eyes or the pathetic look on my face. So please fall for it. Don't question it. Don't doubt it.
You fidgeted, plucking the grass, feeling the slight dampness.
"Hmm."
There was a heaviness in the atmosphere. A steadily growing wall that seems impenetrable.
Maybe he too could sense the growing distance and was silent.
Something changed or rather someone changed.
You couldn't decide who. Was it you because the nature of your feelings towards Claude had changed or was it Claude whose relationship with Penelope had taken an unexpected turn?
Who abandoned whom?
Was it you who were abandoning him because the sight of him being with someone else was a hard pill to swallow?
Or was it he who was unable to understand his troubled heart, the growing vast emptiness within him or the thawing darkness that clawed at him?
Whatever the reason you couldn't find words to fill up the silence, only suffocate in it.
"Sorry, I took your spot."
Your response was just as quiet. "It's alright."
Again the unspoken words dangled in the air, slowly but surely creating an even greater rift between you two.
Your toe curled up in uneasiness.
"....Next week I'm going to war. Promise me... Promise me you would come to see me off."
He was going to war. What-- here you thought it was just war strategies he was participating in.
You listened to his words and without missing a beat agreed. "I will."
Your eyes lowered and your lips curled up in a small smile. "Don't doubt it. I'll come to see you off as your....friend."
You waited for him to say something but only silence came.
You stood up, cuddling Ether in your arms. "Goodnight Claude..."
"..."
You walked away with your heart heavy and throbbing.
Yeah, just a friend. That's all I ever be. A friend.
And I had myself to blame. It's all on me.
***
Next few days fortunately you didn't have to face them. The whole castle was in frenzy, constantly working for the departure of the knights.
But in the last two days, something was wrong with Claude. He was alarmingly growing detached and aloof.
"Whoa, look at the sight."
You were in awe, looking at the squadron of knights standing from the tower view.
They looked like ants, an army of ants with red uniforms.
"If you have time to spare, why don't you help us?" One of your colleagues asked.
Without turning around you gave him a middle finger. "I did my spare. It's not my fault you're slow."
"Why you--"
"Use your hand like you use your mouth. The work would finish fast."
You leaned against the window, and the breeze blew your hair in the air.
You were feeling...normal for once. No painful twitch, no agonizing over your silly crush. Now you knew why people asked for space after being heartbroken.
"H-hello."
You turned around at the timid voice. "Oh, hey Lawrence. What's up, man?"
His face flushed at your casual greeting. "It's n-nothing. I just accompanied here Sir Felix and then I'll l-leaving."
You blinked when he zoomed away. Slamming almost into Felix. He bowed deeply and left hurriedly.
Felix walked in looking back at his partner in surprise. "Why did he run away?"
"That's what I'm wondering." You said bewildered. Before a fleeting thought crossed your mind. Don't tell me, did he...
Felix stopped before you with a frown. "You look alright."
You were glad to see him it had been some time since you saw him but hearing his words you made a face. "Huh? I should be the one asking that. You came here to get checked up, right? Are you hurt anywhere?"
His frown deepened in worry. "You didn't show up."
You frowned in confusion at his grave tone. "Well--"
"His highness is sick." His words froze you and he continued. "He's been sick for the past two days."
The same day I saw him last time.
You gaped at him in surprise. "What-- I didn't know! Is he okay now? Why wasn't I informed earlier?!"
"His condition is stable now. Though he still has a fever."
Seized with panic you could only stare at Felix who for some reason was looking distressed.
He continued with a wavering tone. "It wasn't natural. His highness had indigested two types of poison and the foods he's allergic to."
"Oh, god." You looked at him in horror. "Why would he do something--?"
"Two days ago there was a family dinner and the ambassador of Atlanta was present. So his highness couldn't refuse the invitation or the food. Since then he has high fever and had been continuously throwing up."
That revelation shocked and angered you. "His fucking family again? Screw them hell and back."
"His highness is upset though he would never admit it." Felix looked at you. "I came here to see if you were sick too that you couldn't come to see him but you're fine."
"I was never told, Felix. I.." You bit your lips in guilt. You hadn't left the tower for the past two days. You wanted time to yourself to gather yourself. But you didn't know that Claude was suffering.
Determined to fix things you clenched your fist and looked at Felix. "I want to see him now. I'll explain everything to him. Let's go."
Yeah, it was time you stop running. Just because you caught feelings for him didn't mean you wanted to end your friendship with him. No. Never. Your friendship was more important than your personal feelings. You needed to clear the misunderstanding
"You can't." Roman crossed his arms and glared at you his glass glistening in a warning.
You scowled at him."Old man, where the hell did you pop out of? And what bullshit are you talking about?"
Roman grimaced at your crude words and turned towards Felix. "Sir knight. Please if you don't have anything else, leave. The place is crowded enough as it is."
"I deeply apologize. I just came here for her. I didn't mean to interrupt your workflow." Felix apologized like an elegant knight. Showing respect to his superior.
Felix looked at you nervously and you nodded. "I'll be there. Don't listen to this old senile man."
Felix curled up in amusement and he hurriedly turned away to hide his smile.
Roman grumbled. "You should learn to show respect to elders."
"What's the point in showing respect to someone who doesn't respect my friend? That was rude by the way. The way you shunned my friend. It gives respect takes respect." You glared and rolled your eyes. "And what you mean I can't? Do I need your permission now to go anywhere?"
Roman grumbled even more but he was used to your disrespectful behaviour. "You're on house arrest."
You were taken aback. "Wait, what? Why?! And since when?"
"Remember the papers you burnt. It was important. You need more etiquette."
"Oh, that." You remembered it. It was that day you saw Claude and Penelope walking through the garden and had snapped burning the documents. But something didn't add up. It's been weeks since the incident so why now? "You're hiding something, old man. Tell me the real reason. Unless your senile suddenly decided to punish me for something I did weeks ago, I can't believe you."
Roman quietly contemplated but relented when you glared at him stubbornly. "It's the order of the Crown Prince. 'Keep her busy. She shouldn't have time to breathe let alone play house with my little brother' were the exact words of his Highness."
You were disturbed as hell. "Why did he order that?"
"Why don't you ask yourself? He's here to meet you. And child, don't do anything you'd regret later." Roman urged you towards his office.
Roman sighed heavily when you made a disgusted face at his words. Anastacius the Crown Prince came here to meet you? That doesn't sound good, at all.
"Fine. Let's meet that son of a bitch. The sooner I end this, the faster I can go see Claude." You stomped your way toward the office and slammed open the door forcefully. Roman paled in horror and quickly scrambled away. He didn't want to be caught in whatever hell you were going to stir up.
Ether followed you behind.
Startled, Anastacius stared like deer caught in headlights but chuckled soon after. "They weren't lying about your impudence. Barging in without permission like that."
You smiled drily, completely on guard. You were basically dealing with a demon straight out of hell, so you needed to be on your toes. "So your Highness, what do you want from me? Putting me on house arrest. What the hell are you playing at? And please save your lies because I'm not an idiot to fall for them."
He sat on the chair smirking. "Straight to the point, huh? Good, it saves me so much time. I came here with a proposal."
You frowned for a second before quickly refuting. "Proposal? I'm not making any deal with you. So thanks but no thanks."
"So quick to reject. Tsk. Tsk." He shook his head in mock disappointment. It was eerie just how much he resembled Claude. "I haven't even disclosed the benefits of the proposal."
"You don't need to. Just lift my restriction and we can go our merry way." You picked up Ether who was glaring at Anastacius.
Anastacius eyes him wearily. Straighten up in his chair.
"I can't do that. At least until you don't agree." Anastacius shook his head, leaning against his palm as he gave you a sly smirk.
"Not happening in a million years." Without batting an eye you rejected him. Your attempted killer wanted to make a deal with you, you couldn't imagine anything more unsettling than that. "That's fine. You can keep your proposal to yourself. I'll just force Roman to lift the restraint."
"Really now? So stubborn. I can see why my little brother befriended you." Anastacius stood up and leaned against the grand table and crossed his arms as he regarded you with interest.
It made your skin crawl in discomfort. And Ether's eyes started glowing in a warning. You patted his head to calm him down. You didn't want bloodshed.
"And I can see why he hates you." You rebutted with a polite smile.
Anger flashed over his features. Oops! Did you overdo it?
"My little brother hates everything that's not him. So it's not surprising." His words were calculated as he aimed to sway you. "He can care of no one but himself. Like he did with your feelings. Discarding them completely."
You froze at his words, your mouth went dry as you stared at him cautiously and with newfound apprehension.
"Oh don't look at me like that. Everyone is quite aware of how much you care about my foolish little brother. How you would do anything for him. But what you got in return, him trampling over your feelings."
His words felt like a knife slashing at your insensitive part.
Anastacius nodded when you carefully looked at him, concealing your inner thoughts. "Don't you feel angry, bitterness? You cared about him so much, regarded him as God and yet he went and choose someone else instead of you. He only cared about his happiness. What about you? Your feelings? He just discarded them and threw them away like garbage. Don't you feel mad about it?"
Anastacius circled you, his blue eyes like a knife digging at your soul. "My little brother just threw you aside once he got a pretty face, don't you feel used?"
He stopped before you and smiled like an old friend, pity in his eyes. "You gave him everything and got nothing in return. You were with him for years, so you weren't his first choice. That hurts, right? Being used and abandoned like that. He should have returned your feelings and yet he didn't? What a selfish person my brother is. If only I knew you would grow feelings for that emotionless monster I would've warned you. But here we are."
How did he know about it? You never told anyone not even Felix. So how? The thought of him stalking you had a cold dread form in your stomach.
Ether wiggled himself but you held him tight, preventing him from attacking the asshole.
He sighed before smiling again. "But it's not too late. I'll offer you the way to get back at him. Make him hurt just like he's hurting you by ignoring your feelings. Come to my side. I'll give you everything you want and ever dream of. A luxurious life, dozen of servants at your disposal, gold diamonds everything...Even bring the most wealthiest of men in front of you on their knees to court you, pamper you. You'll be treated like a princess. Why more can one ask for?"
You listened to his words, head lowered, eyes shadowed. "Are you asking me to abandon him as you did? Leave him behind like you did? It's not happening. I would never abandon him. Not in this lifetime."
Anastacius paused. You could see by the widening of his eyes that he had expected you to agree, not refuse him. Your words had surprised him. He narrowed his eyes, cold and calculated.
"Haven't you hurt him enough? Do you think I'm an idiot? I would be nothing more than a tool you would use to hurt Claude. Nothing more than your toy of amusement."
"You got the wrong idea--"
"No...You got the wrong idea if you ever thought I'd agree to it. Hurt Claude, are you kidding me? I would never do that!"
"But he doesn't respect your feelings. Doesn't his ignorance of your feelings hurt you?" He looked exasperated and confused. But you knew it was just an act.
"So what? He doesn't like me the way I like him. Big deal? No. He isn't obligated to like me back even if I've felt for him. Not every feeling is reciprocated. But that's okay. That's life. That's how the world works. Not everything is going to go your way."
Anastacius smirked, leaning against the table. "You're a good person. But you don't need to suppress your vengeful feelings."
Vengeance? Vengeance for what? Fault Claude for not having feelings for me? Blame him for not returning your feelings? Now that you were cool headed you could see the absurdity. Maybe a few days ago you would've agreed just to ease the pain. The pain that wrecked your whole body but now when the painful haze was cleared.
It was ridiculous that this guy was pretending to know your heart. Know your soul. You hated it. Loathed it.
Anger boiled in your veins at his arrogance that he knew you. "Get your ass out of your head, your Highness. Not everyone is interested in ruining people's life. You've too much free time on your hand. You should try doing something productive."
He quietly looked at you. Strange emotions flashed within his eyes. "Why are you offering unconditional loyalty to him? The person who is so oblivious to your feelings. Who doesn't know how to cherish someone? You're giving him such pure precious things as unconditional love. If you come to my side, I can give you a life of luxury. Your loyalty will be rewarded. Unlike him, I know how to cherish things and people."
Your lips pressed into a thin line. He was talking like he knew Claude. What a joke. He abandoned him and now he was just buffing up, assuming about Claude.
You laughed at his fake words. "That's rich coming from the person who wants to hurt his brother."
"Half brother. Don't relate me to that abomination." Anastacius flatly said disgust evident in his tone.
You smiled. "Yep, there is no comparison between you and Claude. He would never try to take advantage of someone's vulnerability. He isn't complete trash unlike you."
Anastacius took a step forward, murderous intent on his expression. "That mouth of yours is going to get you in trouble someday. Don't forget the one you are talking to is the future Emperor. I would watch my words."
The moment he tried getting close Ether growled deeply and sparks flew out of him making him back away. You smirked.
Way to go my adorable cat! You rock!!
You deliberately bowed, each action a mock to his words and smiled sarcastically. "Ah, I'm sorry, your highness. The way you talked reminded me of scambags but you're the future Emperor. It's hard to see the difference." You gasped and in an exaggerated manner covered your mouth. "Ah, oh no again I unintentionally insulted you. Please take my apology from the depth of my heart, oh future Emperor."
Anastacius spat out, anger now clear on his face as he lost his composure. "You're truly an arrogant girl. No different than my brother. Always acting high and mighty. Regarding yourselves as superiors when you are nothing but dirt on one's shoe. And someday I'll make sure you know that personally."
"Please try your best." You sweetly said with cold eyes.
Making enemies of him was surely going to cost you heavily but no regrets. This asshole needed to know that you weren't a mindless puppet he could control.
"I offered you revenge but you declined it. Don't think for a second there won't be repercussions for your decision. That bond you're so proud of, let's see just how long it'll last."
Anastacius passed by you, a withering glare on his face. "I will make sure your restriction would be overlooked by the magician. Let's see how you would cross over the Magical barrier I'll place and meet my little brother. You'll regret your decision."
What an immature person.
You huffed when he slammed the door shut. "Fucking bastard. Trying to manipulate me. Twisting my feelings so he could use them. Better stay away from him. Psycho."
His words rang in the silent room. No one came to check on you.
Ether cuddled against your chest as if sensing the turmoil inside.
Ha. You felt like laughing. Of course,e you were still hurting. But to inflict that pain on someone else. No, not someone, it was Claude who was important to you, was just twisted.
Claude was alone when you met him. He had no choice but to cling to you when you showed him warmth and happiness. His mentality was of a small, scared child who was desperately looking for warmth. Now that you thought about it in hindsight you were basically taking advantage of him. Now he was grown up, standing on his own two feet, finding happiness on his own. You couldn't accept him to cling to you forever. It was painful but you were happy. He was finally breaking the chains of his past and moving forward.
You watched the floating clouds in the sky dejected. "But I'm stuck here now. Claude, he might end up misunderstanding. God, I hope not."
****
When Claude woke up he found Penelope besides him, changing his wet towel.
His unfocused eyes stared at her blankly. "(Y/n) didn't come?"
Penelope patted his sweaty forehead."No. She didn't have time to come here. Why, are you disappointed it's me?"
You didn't come. Did he finally lose you? Did you abandon him like everyone?
He felt empty. Now that he knew the warmth of another, the emptiness within felt more profound, more numbing.
Why did you show him your warmth only to cruelly take it away? Why?
Was his brother right? Was he doomed to be alone? He felt like laughing. Cry if he could. Not that tears would come. An empty shell didn't shed tears.
"No. I'm glad I wasn't left alone, on my own." The words were robotic and emotionless. Even his expression was blank.
Yeah, at least one person was here. Even if it's one person he would be fine, right?
Penelope brought his hand to her left cheek and smiled. "I'm glad too, your highness."
Yeah, he could hold on to this one person. Even if it's not the one he wants. He could live with it.