(Brittany's POV)
I asked Santana to stay last night, I tell myself it's because I felt safer having her around after the heated run in with Joel. But really I just wanted her to stay because I didn't want her to go home, it has been a long fucking time since Santana and I have been that comfortable around one another. It made me realise how much I miss her, I think our relationship is too far gone in the process of the divorce maybe for Santana to even consider trying again. I also still have Joel to take into consideration, I was still heavily involved with him. There were strong feelings there, I risked my marriage for him, I can't just throw him aside like he doesn't matter.
I begin to stir and slowly open my eyes, I feel the warmth of her beneath me as her breathing is slow and steady. I soon realise through the night Santana and I must have edged closer and closer to one another, we have ended up with our limbs entangled in one another, moulded against each others bodies as my head is resting on her chest, my leg draped over her. Just for a few moments everything feels like it used to. I savour every millisecond of this moment because within the next three minutes the alarm will be going off and Santana will be woken up and we will be forced to pull apart.
Three minutes...
I take in a deep breath, consuming Santana's scent. The familiar smell of vanilla and coco butter taking me back to when I would moisturise her body after a hot shower, over her smooth, even and unblemished caramel skin. From her shoulders to the tips of her toes and everywhere in between.
Two minutes...
I lightly trace my fingers in small circles on the small portion of skin that is bare on Santana's side from where the tank top I leant her has ridden up. A touch light enough so I can feel the surge of electricity travel through me, but not heavy enough to disturb her from her beauty sleep. Muscle memory has kicked in and I subconsciously find myself drawing repetitive figures of 8 just below her ribs, many nights Santana would fall asleep in my arms at this motion,
One minute...
Sixty seconds left in this safe haven for me. I should probably start peeling my body off of hers to save any uncomfortableness for either one of us. I promise you I try to move, but I know once I let go I won't be in this situation ever again. I am not ready to let her go.
Thirty seconds...
Okay Brittany, you really should move now. I don't. I close my eyes pretending to be asleep, one final deep breath, one final trace of my fingers, one final tight squeeze of her body lay beneath me...
BzzzzBzzzzBzzzzz
I feel Santana's body wriggle under me as she begins to wake. I feel her body tense with me wrapped around her, she doesn't move, she remains as still as a millpond. I feel her sit up slightly, maybe testing if I am awake. She makes no attempt to wake me, instead her body eases up and she lays back down. Why isn't she waking me?
(Santana's POV)
I am interrupted from my serene sleep by the harsh buzzing of Brittany's alarm. It's 7:00am and we have about 10 minutes until the boys will naturally wake. I feel a heaviness around me as I bring myself to life. I freeze as I realise Brittany has possessively wrapped her limbs around me through the course of the night. I lean up slightly to try and gage how much of a deep sleep she is embodied in. She looks so beautiful and at peace, she deserves a few more minutes undisturbed. I lay back down and slowly engulf her in my hold, lightly stroking her arms like I had done for many mornings for many years. I feel at home feeling like I am back in my normal routine, the routine we had engaged in for as long as I can remember.
(Brittany's POV)
San laid back down and held me in her arms, just for a few minutes whilst the kids were still sleeping. The longer I lay there, the more upset I feel. Upset that this will never be again. "Fuck sake Santana, you can't be doing this" I hear Santana scold herself as she slowly releases me from her hold and slips out of the bed. I am relieved she did, it saves that awkward initial conversation we would have to have. I remain 'asleep' until I know she has left the room. I hear her go down the hall into the boys room to wake them, shortly after I hear the fresh morning giggles of Isabella as Santana carries her down the stairs. Once the smell of coffee starts to rise upstairs I get out of bed, slip on my robe and go down to join my family for breakfast.
As I walk from the foot of the stairs through the great space to the kitchen, I see Santana in her most pure and beautiful form. No makeup, hair up in a messy bun. She has her glasses on, wearing my tank top and shorts with my three quarter robe. She's sat with Iz making aeroplane noises feeding her oatmeal whilst taking the time to flip the pancakes every thirty seconds or so. "Morning Mommy!" the boys shout in unison as I enter their eyeline. Isabella turns in her highchair giving me a toothy grin and a wave. "Morning" Santana says bashfully, not making full eye contact with me, probably because of how she found us this morning. "Morning" I say brightly as I grab a plate. "I'll finish these" I say, taking the spatula from Santana's hand. "You focus on feeding this munchkin". I notice San is mirroring Isabella's mouth. Every time she opens her mouth to consume her oatmeal, Santana open and closes her own mouth to consume her imaginary oatmeal.
"Mommy, who's taking us to soccer practice?" Thiago asks whilst patiently waiting for his pancakes. "I am bud" Santana answers before I do. "Are you coming too mommy?" Luca asks me. "I can't today buddy I'm sorry. Mommy's gotta go to the studio." Trust me, I would much rather be stood freezing my ass off at the side of a soccer pitch than go into the studio today. Joel will be there teaching a workshop. Things are still obviously raw from yesterday. "Does Mommy really have to go?" Santana asks, masking her concern with carrying on a casual tone with the conversation, the look on her face to me shows her real worry. "Yeah...Mommy has to go" I grumble as I serve up the fresh batch of pancakes for everyone.
The boys wolf down their food and head upstairs on their own accord to get ready for soccer practice. "You sure you don't want to come with us?" Santana asks me as she is trying to hold a fidgeting Isabella still whilst she puts her diaper on. "I can't...I have to do our tax returns, I am so behind with it all" Oh what I wouldn't do to be able to go with Santana. "You know I have a guy who can take care of that for you?" Santana says, hard concentration on her face as she begins to dress our daughter. "I don't mind doing it myself" I admit. "Well, run into any trouble and you call me okay?" Santana reminds me as she wiggles Isabella's little chubby feet into her shoes. I look at my watch and realise I am already running late, I have been too caught up in the family time this morning to keep an eye on the time. "Shit! I gotta go San...ummm, thanks again for yanno, everything. See yourself out okay?" I say getting up hurriedly searching for my keys in the cracks of the couch. "No problem. See you...next week?" She asks as she hands me my keys. "Iz had them" she answers my question before I could even ask it.
"Thanks. Bye!" I lean in and give Isabella a kiss, as I pull away my face is impossibly close to Santana's, making us both coy. "Bye" I whisper as the heat rises in my body. "Bye" she whispers back with an affectionate smile on her face. "Bye boys! Good luck today, I'll see you Monday. Love you!!" I shout up the stairs as I leave. I scramble into my car and shove the keys in the ignition and I race to the studios. God must have been on my side today as I missed every red light on my route, almost halving my journey time. I harshly pull into my parking spot, gather up my files and head-on into the studio. I spot Joel through the window in the reception area talking to some of the dancers dancing in the showcase, thankfully he doesn't spot me. I stealthily slide in through the doors and tiptoe towards my office, I am within reaching distance of the door. "You're late" his flat tone filling the room. "What? Did you think you could avoid me?" Joel scoffs, I can feel his stare burning holes in the back of my head.
I slowly turn around to meet his glare. "N-No...I-I just, I'm late". He takes a big breath in, puffing out his chest making his presence bigger and yet again, intimidating. He starts walking towards me, I panic and start scrambling for the door. "What? You're scared of me now?" he says laughing, millimetres away from me. "Yes" I mumble. "What? Britt?" he grabs my arm with no real force behind it, yet I flinch ever so slightly but he picks up on it and retracts his hand leaving a burning feeling on my skin. "Britt are you really scared of me?" I hear the pain in his voice. "No...just yesterday, I saw a different side of you. It un-eased me" I feebly admit, avoiding locking eye contact with him. "About yesterday, I want to talk to you about that. But not here...dinner maybe? Monday night? I am out of town over the weekend for the HEAT convention in Vegas." I stand and have an internal debate with myself whether I should take him up on his offer. I remind myself of the conversation I had in my mind this morning, I can't just dismiss him. It wouldn't be fair.
"I guess I can ask San to have the kids one more night, I'm sure she won't mind. But it's dinner...that's it. We talk, that's it. I go home, you go to yours..that's it." I say matter of factly. "Just dinner. That's it" he confirms, looking relieved that I took him up on the offer. He's staring lovingly into my eyes, chewing on his lip waiting for me to make the next move, I take a moment to catch my breath "I should really get cracking on the tax returns" I say smiling biting down on my own lip, opening the door behind me. "Gotcha!" he shoots me a wink and goes into Studio 1 for his second workshop of the morning. I seat myself behind my desk and shoot Santana a text.
"Hope you're not too cold stood there? But I have a favour to ask..Monday could you take the kids for one more night please? I kind of have a thing.." - B
"I am freezing my fucking ass off! But there is no place I'd rather be, I am using Iz as a human radiator lol! Sure, I can do that!" -S
"Poor Iz haha! Thank you so much, really appreciate it" - B
"Going anywhere nice?" -S
"Just dinner" - B
"Oh right! Well I'll pick them up Tuesday from school and drop them back to you. It's on my way home anyway" - S
"Ugh you're a star!" -B
"I know! NOW DO THOSE TAX RETURNS" - S
"Yess boss ;)" -B
That's the kids sorted, I feel so guilty for not telling Santana that my dinner was with Joel, but we had such a nice time yesterday I want to stay in that bubble of content just a little longer. I'll tell her Tuesday. I set myself to work, taking the time to check my phone for the flood of pictures being sent my way from Santana of the kids. They all look so happy...
(Monday night)
I'm sat waiting for Joel, drumming my fingers against the table through nervousness my fingers edging the cutlery a little closer together, then apart and then back together. "Can I get you something to drink ma'am?" A polite young waiter asks me pulling me from the daze. "Yes please, a water would be great. Thanks." As the waiter walks away, Joel is walking towards me. "Hey, sorry I'm late" he walks over as he is texting someone, but not on his usual phone.... He bends down giving me a kiss on the cheek. "It's fine, I haven't been here long". He sits in the chair opposite me, he orders himself a drink and goes to order me one too. "Oh no it's fine, I have ordered a water" I insist. "Cancel the water, she'll have wine". He doesn't directly address the waiter, he's staring a little too harshly as he speaks for me. Our drinks are bought over and we next order our food. "I'll have the sea bass please" I tell the waiter. "No, I had that last time, it was rubbery. She'll have the steak, medium rare, no chips, extra veg".
His body language is off, the way he is treating me is off. Even when he kissed me on the cheek it felt more of an obligatory act rather than an optional one. I don't know what's got into him? Ordering for me, speaking for me like I am a prisoner between the two of us, I have no say, no control over what I want to eat or drink tonight seemingly. But I will do anything to avoid an outburst like we had last week, I smile at the young waiter giving him the okay. He jots down our orders and heads back to the kitchen. "The steak good then?" I ask trying to break the uneasy atmosphere that quickly built up in the short time Joel has been opposite me. "I liked it, so you'll like it". He says whilst furiously texting someone on this phone that I've never seen before. I felt I was being told somehow I had no choice but to like it, I simply nod. "So...can we talk?" I ask, nervous of how his mood will shift. "Of course" he says, seemingly softer than he was speaking moments ago now he's put the phone down.
I open my mouth to speak but I am abruptly cut off "You shouldn't have kicked me out" Joel bluntly states. "Excuse me?" Exasperation edging into my voice. "You shouldn't have kicked me out" he says shrugging with an air of arrogance. "Joel, what you did at the dinner party. What you did to Santana, I can't defend that, you get that right?" I take my time with each word, each syllable to emphasise my point. "Please, she's a big girl she'll get over it" he scoffs reading an incoming message shaking his head at whatever he has just read. Anger surges in me but is just as quickly kept at bay by the waiter bringing over our food, he sets our meals down in front of each of us. The waiter lingers a little too long "You can leave" Joel growls through a forced smile. "Joel, how would you feel if it was your daughter and she was calling Santana mommy. You'd hate it" I argue. "I'd never let that happen Britt" as he slices through his own piece of steak with ease. "Okay well, this did happen. And it can't happen again, I won't allow it" I slowly begin to lose my appetite. "Eat your steak" Joel tells me, ignoring our conversation, replying to yet another text. "Who are you texting?" I asked pissed off, only to be ignored.
"When you went into the bathroom, what happened?" he turns the table on me, putting his phone, screen side down on the table. "I went in and calmed her down, you crushed her. Or are you choosing to ignore that?" He slams his fists down on the table as he squeezes his knife and fork in his hands, his knuckles turning white. He looks around sheepishly to see if anyone paid any notice to the clanking of cutlery and plates. "Answer me. What happened?" He snarls at me. "I told you...I was trying to calm her down. She was inconsolable, I put her in a cab but she wouldn't let me go, so I took her home. Where she broke down yet again because of you. I couldn't leave her." I spit harshly at him. He doesn't fire anymore questions at me nor me at him, we sit and listen to the noise of each other chewing our food, the atmosphere thick and heavy. He continues checking his messages and replying every now and then, frustration growing more and more on his face with each message.
"...I need to know, that you recognise what you did was wrong? And I am not just talking about what you did to Santana. Your whole behaviour that night at the dinner party was wrong, narcissistic, rude and inconsiderate. All at the expensive of my wife" I say calmly. "Ex wife" he says in an attempt to correct me. "She's not my ex" I say back "not yet, but she will be" he says matter of factly. "Just answer my question" I am getting tired of him skirting around his answers. "I just...I love you so much Brittany-" I freeze in my chair. "Y-You..love me?" I stutter. We have never said that before. "Yes Brittany, I do. Every day I was with you I fell for you more and more, my world begins and ends with you. I want to protect you, keep you safe, see no harm come to you." he explains. "But Santana isn't a harm to me, nor a threat..." I say confused at what he is implying. "She neglected you and those kids. There was a detach, it is no surprise Iz started calling me Dad. Poor thing doesn't know any different" he is really convinced he has done nothing wrong. "No...no, this will never be justified Joel. You're not her dad. You know that..."
"Then what am I!?" he contains raising his voice, but from his shouty whisper the rage bursts through and I feel that uneasiness once more. He reads my face and leans back in his chair, dragging the palm of his hands down his face to wipe out his own fury, brushing his stubble with his fingers as he gathers his thoughts and then leans back towards me, elbows on the table taking my shaking hands in his. "B, I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't have lost my shit, for that I apologise. I just don't want to lose you, I love you and I love your kids. Iz calling me dadda gave me a warm wholesome feeling I never felt before. My dad left when I was 2 and was raised by my mom and step dad. I don't remember him, he has bought zero value to my life, I was raised by my mom and my step dad. But I want to bring value to the boys and Iz's life, I want to be that guy for them who they can count on. I'm sorry Santana reacted how she did, I guess it sucked for her. But I wanted to share my joy and your friends who just happen to be Santana's friends...are also now my friends. I honestly didn't see anything wrong in it."
He is so convincing, he doesn't talk about his childhood a lot, so when he does he gets emotional. I see tears brimming in his eyes as he talks about the love he has for me and the boys and especially Isabella. Maybe I was wrong to kick him out, I haven't known Joel long, but I know he would never ever hurt me really, let alone them. "Thank you. Thank you for sharing your feelings and for apologising. They love you too. And it's great you want to be that person for them. But Santana is their mami, that won't change Joel...ever." I say straight to the point. "You're right. Want me to walk you home? It's late and getting dark, just want to make sure you get back safe. Don't worry, it's just dinner I know." He shows the same care and worry for me as he did when I first split from Santana. I knew that guy was still in there somewhere. "That would be lovely."
Joel picks up the cheque and holds the door open for me. We walk down the busy streets of Manhattan making small talk to pass the time. Neither one of us wanting to unsettle the good terms we have seemingly got back to. Our hands brushing against each others as our arms sway with the rhythm of our strides. I shiver under the harsh cool nightly breeze. "Here, take my coat" Joel undresses his coat from him and wraps it around me, it's about four sizes too big for me, but I wrap myself up tightly in it keeping the warmth close to my body. "Thank you" I say, not able to look him directly in the eye. I feel like I did when I first met him, bashful, intrigued and aware of how attractive he is.
"Thanks for walking me home" we arrive at the doors of my penthouse building. "No problem" he says, staring into my eyes. We search each others orbs, hoping one will have the answer on what to do next. We mutually lean in, I go for a kiss on the cheek his clean shave brushing my soft lips. As I pull away he grabs me behind my neck and urges his mouth onto mine, slipping his tongue straight in, without permission earning a soft moan, the vibrations egging him on more. "Wait..wait, this is just dinner" I remind the both of us out loud. "You can come up for coffee if you want?" I ask trying to divert where this was going. "Coffee sounds good" he replies trying to hide his disappointment.
Instead of coffee we end up sharing a couple of bottles of wine in front of the open fire lay out on a blanket. Very rustic. "You should probably get going" I say to Joel as he finishes his glass of wine. "Yeah..you're right". I wobble off balance a little as I try and lift myself up off the floor, reaching a hand out on the coffee table to balance myself before miserably landing back on my ass. Joel seems to get up off the floor no problem, I try to get up again this time a lot slower and putting all my concentration into not falling. I feel his strong hands on me, one under my arm and the other on my forearm as he guides me up. The room is spinning around me, my vision a little blurry, I don't even have the stamina to stand up so I let myself fall back on the coach, Joel on top of me as he tries to catch me. His body pressed against mine, his eyes examining my face. I blush under his gaze.
"Kiss me" he whispers, he's so close to me I can feel his hot breath on me. "I-we can't. Dinner remember" I remind him. "Screw dinner, you know you want to" he laughs, leaning in even closer. I look at him, then down to his lips as I close the tiny gap between us, we barely get going before I pull away. "I can't do this" I shake my head and scold myself. Joel rolls off me so he is sat beside me, but still close enough. He snakes his hands over my stomach and to the hem of my jeans, he unbuttons them and pulls down the zipper a little before dragging his hand into my pants, feeling my unmissable wetness, I breathe out harshly and lift my hips to meet his hand as he begins to rub me through the material of my underwear, I lose my breath to the whirlwind of pleasure I feel coursing through me. "Joel, stop. We can't" I half heartedly protest.
With his free hand he unbuckles his belt and undoes his own zipper. He guides my hand with his into his boxers where I feel his rock hard bulge. "See, I want this too" he says, never breaking our gaze. He pushes down on my hand harder encouraging me to pleasure him. I can feel his member throbbing in my hand, increasing my own urges. I start to slide my hand slowly up and down his shaft, earning throaty moans from his mouth. He enters his middle and index finger into me, sending my body into overdrive as I jack him off faster. I am so caught up in the immense pleasure I am feeling, I try and battle through those feelings to see this is a bad idea, I am going back on everything I said. I kicked him out for a reason, not only because of how he acted but because of Santana. I have a Santana. I still don't know if there is a chance for us anymore, especially after how things are with us at the moment. I won't know unless I try right? I quickly come to my senses.
"NO! Stop, we have to stop" I retract my hand from his boxers instantly. "WHAT THE FUCK" Joel yells out in frustration. I leap up from the couch pull my jeans up from where they had rode down my ass a little and button myself back up. "I said we couldn't do this and you come in here, get me drunk, woo me and make me go back on everything I said wouldn't happen" I say upset at myself more than him. "Why can't it happen!? I told you I loved you, I love the kids. I said I was fucking sorry" he says as he pulls his own boxers and pants up, buckling up his belt. "WHY BRITTANY" he yells out again. "BECAUSE OF SANTANA!" It slips out before I can even register it. I see before me the change in Joel, gritted teeth, the veins, the anger, the red face "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY" as if he never heard me. "Because of Santana...I-I don't think I want to divorce her, I have to try and save my marriage Joel." I go to soothe him with a caress of the cheek, but he grabs my wrist, hard. Squeezing the life out of it. "Ow! Joel, you're hurting me" I try to wriggle out of his vice like grip but he holds me even tighter. He grabs my other wrist and forces me to walk backwards until I hit the wall my head bouncing harshly off it, I cry out in pain. "GET OFF ME" I use all the strength I have to try and whack my hands off his chest, but he keeps me in place, pinning me with his hips. "Fuck...you...whore" he snarls in my ear showing his teeth before I knee him in the junk to set myself free. He cries out in pain and hits the floor like a tonne of bricks, coughing and spluttering his guts up. I try to run but he grabs my ankle as I fall hard to the ground, my body stinging from slamming down on the wooden floors. He staggers to his feet finally standing tall, he urges himself towards me. Standing, staring over me, venom behind his eyes. My whole body is shaking, I can't move, I can't speak, I stay frozen in my place. Begging with my eyes he doesn't hurt me, I see him lift his leg back to kick me, something cracks and I scream out clutching my ribs, my eyes begin to close as the pain becomes too overwhelming as I lay there taking hit after hit. There is only one person I need right now
"Santana..."
I croak her name out, my eyes getting heavier by the second, the pain blinding me. I let my eyes close and everything goes black....
(Authors Note)
Britt wants Santana, Santana wants Britt. Has this ship sailed? Joel is starting to show another side of him, he isn't just the sexy latino dancer we may have originally thought. Will Britt tell Santana about this incident? Will she hide it? Is this the last we see of Joel? Who knows...
stay tuned
xoxo