34
Masochistic tendency
I've been thinking 'bout you
Yeah, I've been missing you
Where the hell are you, oh, when I need you?
I could still hear your voice
I ain't got no choice
'Cause I'm here all alone
—Thinking Bout You
Ariana Grande
THE WIND made the strands slap my face as I stood on the road passing the hospital. I stood there with a cast on a leg and hand. I had a text written on my phone that I would send on my parent's group chat something along the lines of I was leaving and I needed to be alone. And that I needed to use the adult card.
I rarely used the adult card.
And my parents knew this meant no matter what they say this decision won't change. One of the reasons I am grateful they are my parents. I would have gone crazy had it been someone else. Ever since I had grown up which was not long ago, my parents had told me that despite their reluctance I should be able to make my own decisions. Of course, they would link in whenever they felt the requirement but they had asked me to embrace my individuality more than anything else.
Maybe that is the very reason when someone expects me of something it just renders me ruffled. I am not used to being told what to do. And I'd like it to remain the same way. Ever since I entered the workforce and the shitty adulthood in general, everyone and their mother expected something. Even the cleaning lady expected me to pass a smile to her when I pass along her in the lobby of my apartment.
You look around and people who shouldn't give a shit would give a shit about the most nonsensical shit. And in due course, they'd wonder why the fuck were they giving a shit about it in the first place.
Go figure.
But as cliche, as it sounds, Raymond Fernsby was the first man to induce me appalled. Simply for he didn't give a shit. Apart from the matters that did require shit to be given.
So when he did give a shit, like every human, to things that didn't oblige it. I felt a bit aggravated. Sue me.
I didn't want to admit it, and I won't admit it out loud, but I found myself missing him. I had no idea where he was. Nobody would give me any clear ideas. I knew he had to work, of course, he had so much to do. But it was Ray we are talking about. His time management skills are nothing less than rocket science. And I don't know, but somehow I suppose I had a pinch of an idea what went down with him. And that kinda incited me a bit. For shit went down with me too.
I took out my phone as I made my way to the cafe right beside the hospital and leaned my body against the exterior of the wall. My ride would be here any minute now. My hair was a mess. My clothes were a mess. All in all, I was a mess. But in these moments you realise that nobody gave a shit. Everyone had shit going on and everyone was messed up in some way or another, and a person who looked like she just escaped a mental asylum didn't come in the closest of interests of the people passing by.
I observed the people going by. One had a phone to his ear chatting, which seemed more like sweet-talk. Another was walking steadfast and seemed to be in a kind of a hurry. And then there was this little girl who licked her candy and wandered on the sidewalk. She didn't give a rat's ass what anyone was doing. She didn't give a shit about what was going on. She had no one to please. And no train to catch. She just enjoyed her damn good candy. And that's it.
That got some stuff cleared in my head. Whatever it was that made Ray so distant from me was not his thought process. It was external pressure. The outside expectation of feeling made him act upon his actions. And that made a whole lot of sense even though it was batshit crazy how nonsensical it was. But sometimes even the smartest of brains make the stupidest of mistakes.
And I had to concede it was simply okay.
Why did I have to be so fucking understanding?
I ran a hand through my crisp hair that made me remember a memory that didn't make the situation any easier. I hated oiling my hair. Downright despised it. But when Ray had offered to do it, somehow that fact had retreated into thin air. For some obscure reason.
When I called Ray and found his phone switched off, I decided to send him a voicemail.
"I don't care where you are, what you're doing, why you're doing. But I want you here. Yes, I do. And if you care enough you'll come back." I took a deep breath sent the voice message and hobbled forward when my ride came. The driver thankfully came to open the door and helped me settle in.
It was rather difficult for me to decide where to? But I knew where I wanted to go. Even though, it might be more of a masochistic tendency more than anything else. But I just had to. I needed to.
"Where to, Red?" She asked with no other questions. Thankfully ignoring my attire with no more than a bemused look.
I put the address on her GPS and she nodded and accelerated towards the city traffic.
*
After my ride left me in the middle of nowhere, I contemplated what to do next. Well, that's what it seemed to an outsider. But it was nothing less than gold loitering to be mined for the college kid who came here years ago. And that's exactly what it turned out to be, my most priceless possession. That I could never possess but so couldn't anyone else. That's the entire beauty of it. It's autonomy. Apart from the obvious traits.
The trail up to my destination was a complete self-infliction of pain. I wouldn't call this healthy. And that made me question my thought process, which seemed like the only thing I did nowadays. Question my self-beliefs. Sometimes I found un-learning the notions and theories I have had for as long as I can remember. I find myself conflicting. I feel the evolution as if it resides inside me. I have found new opinions in the past few days.
This much thinking has resulted in more in-depth thinking of the said thinking. And so much thinking is forcing me to think about not thinking about the said thinking because of the vast amount of thinking that has been reached. And it continues to be still in progress for even more thinking.
In the end, I decided to not think at all.
Just blank.
I think they call it meditation.
Not bad.
Just too still.
But I think that's the point.
Throughout our lives, a major portion is spent in the thought process. And so much of it is influenced by the external stimuli that we receive frequently. It's a never-ending process. But not thinking, is as essential as thinking. And that can be revolutionary if you think about it.
That doesn't mean I am not going to think anymore.
But I know now the importance of not-thinking.
*
(A few hours later)
Raymond found himself thrilled to no thresholds. The car sped towards his apartment. He parked hastily and got out of his car. Raymond rushed through the lift and past the people who threw him sectionable looks. But Raymond didn't consider. He didn't think. He had stopped thinking.
His thoughts had paid no profitable heed to him. His sole motive was now to get to her. Get to Emily. And apologise. Apologise for it all. For being a jerk. For leaving her. For being utterly preposterous. God, he could not believe himself.
He did everything in such haste he seemed to know everything that needed to be done. He was on autopilot. Too overwhelmed to think much. His heart was much lighter than the past few days.
After he got out of the apartment he put the bag on the passenger seat and accelerated his car again. After a deemed essential errand, Raymond felt the feeling of settlement that he was going to see her. Finally.
His car halted but his bolting heartbeat never settled. He felt overwhelmed with emotions. The last time he felt this way was when he had decided to venture into his own company, everything had seemed like a no-go. But as he got into the process of it, step by step, things started making sense.
This strangely made no sense, what he was doing. He had no answers to his questions but on the contrary, his life hadn't ever made so much sense before. On the other hand, he was scared shitless. He chuckled at his wayward condition. He was so screwed.
The only reason he was right there standing in front of the trail was because of her voicemail. He had kept listening to it to remind himself that she wanted this. She wanted him to be there for her. And he had been grinning nonstop ever since he'd heard it.
He felt some high level of assurance that he couldn't comprehend.
He took a deep breath and moved into the trail.
Bugger all.
***
A/n: This book is going to end so soon. I can't.
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