27
I am sorry
It's a classic "me" mistake
Someone gives me love and I throw it all away
Tell me have I gone insane?
Talkin' to myself but I don't know what to say
—Lose Somebody
Kygo, OneRepublic
"NO, IT'S not for some meeting, just book the flight, Otis" Raymond snapped.
Otis apologised and Raymond hung up the phone and threw it away.
He was losing it. And he was embracing it. Raymond ran a hand through his head and let his head hit the chalky wall. He just stood there for a few minutes. Letting his head throb. Embracing the pain. Letting it in. He needed to feel it. A tear escaped his eye and he let it sink. He was tired. So tired.
And he just wanted to go back. Where it had all began.
Raymond threw random clothes into a bag and let his laptop stay here. He never went around without it. But he won't be needing it. He was on a 'break'. Raymond hadn't had a break in years. He didn't know what to do besides work. His days began with work and ended with them. He went to social gatherings for work. He came home to rest so he could go to work the next day. He took care of his health so he would be fit enough to work extra hours.
Until recently, he used to return home on time. He had become to have a reason. A reason to get by. A reason besides work. A reason for him. And not work.
Raymond sighed as he checked his phone and glanced at his ticket details. He was going away. Getting away from his reason. Getting away from his work. He was a hollow man in search of some meaning. For some substance. And he had no idea how to get that substance. He had no idea if he was even going to be sane again.
Raymond let himself switch his thoughts off for the next few hours and focused on the little getaway he had organised out of the blue.
His cab arrived and he sat in.
"Where to, sir?"
Raymond found himself saying the name of the hospital she was at. He wanted to slap himself for being so out of it. He wasn't even drunk. And even though that bottle that Joe had pointed out was alcohol. But Raymond had never taken a single sip out of it. It was just for his masochistic tendencies.
Ray would never drink at work. He knew that and kept the bottle in his reach so he could feel the urge and decline it time by time. And he was drunk alright, but on his thoughts, drinking in this condition was like inviting death with open arms. But he didn't tell Joe that.
The car stopped and Raymond told the driver to wait for him.
Raymond took his shoulder bag with him and got out of the car. With hesitant steps, he got inside the hospital and mindlessly took himself to her. He didn't need a sane mind to get to her.
When he saw the guy called Stefan, whom Raymond had no idea who he was, Raymond felt a thought cross his mind. Stefan knew where Emilia was, he arrived right on time for her. Raymond appreciated that a lot, he was glad that she had someone like him, someone who wasn't destructive for her.
Joe laid eyes on Raymond from across the lobby and nodded to the nurse he was talking to. He approached with an eager look towards Raymond and sighed.
"Look, what I said the other day, I-"
"It's cool. I understand." Raymond knew Joe only wished good for him and he should be grateful to have a friend like him.
"And thanks, for everything." Raymond put a hand on Joe's shoulder and gave him a small smile.
"It's nothing." Joe shook his head and looked at Raymond with concern etched his forehead.
"Don't you have white coat stuff to do?" Raymond smirked at him and it pained him to smile as if his muscles were refusing the movement.
"We don't always wear white coats Ray, for the hundredth time." Joe rolled his eyes. The nurse from earlier came beside him and muttered a few complicated words that Ray left ignored.
"I gotta go, I-" Joe began and Ray nodded.
"Go, I'll just see her and leave. And does he ever go?" Raymond whispered as he looked at Stefan who was inside the room. He was on the sofa next to Emilia's bed.
"Yes, he does. When Em's mom or dad arrives, he leaves. Did you know he's been her friend since high school?" Joe shrugged.
"I never heard of him." Raymond mused.
"Raymond you have known her for about two months, there's surely a lot you haven't heard about her." Joe pursed his lips.
"Good point." Raymond ignored the sinking feeling where he realised that it was the truth.
Joe left with the nurse and left Raymond with nothing but to do what he had come here to do.
Raymond entered the room and saw her asleep and heard Stefan lightly snoring. Raymond frowned at the guy and moved to the seat beside her bed and took her hand. It was so frail and so soft. Raymond felt a ping in his heart that made him squeeze his eyes shut.
"I am sorry," Raymond whispered. Raymond looked at her motionless beautiful face and long hair sprawled around her. She seemed weak, her lips chapped and her eyebrows slightly knitted. Was she in pain? Raymond squeezed her hand and let out a faint breath.
"I am so sorry that this happened to you, I don't know if you can hear this but please, please don't hate me. I won't be able to live with myself if you do. I know it's all my fault and I know that you probably already hate me." Raymond put a hand on his head and sighed. "I should not have let you go that day. I should have held onto you. At least that way I didn't have to leave you today." Raymond bit his lip to stop an outcry.
"I didn't have to leave my happiness here with you today. I don't know if you know this but, you are the most important person to ever encounter my life in so many years. And I don't deserve you. I know that. But I just want to thank you for all the beautiful memories that you left me with. That you let me spend your time with you. You made me live and not survive for once. Thank you." Raymond rested his head on her hand as a swirl of images taunted Raymond of all the things he couldn't have anymore.
"I don't think I deserve to even see you right now, but I am a selfish person, aren't I?" Raymond sniffed. He lifted Emilia's hand and brought it to his lips. "I admire you, Emily." Raymond's eyes widened a bit as he realised that he did adore this beautiful person in front of him. And he couldn't believe that in such a short period, he had developed such deep feelings for her. Raymond's heart sighed when he realised that it didn't matter anymore.
Raymond chuckled a bit as he imagined her annoyed face. "And yes, I had to say, Emily, because I love your face that you make when I call you that. And yes, I love to annoy you." Raymond put her hand back and took a deep breath. His heart knew what was to come and it felt like it couldn't take the pain that came with it.
"And now I have lost it all." He whispered and his face twisted in anguish. "It's okay, I, I know I deserve it." It was not okay at all. This was all a disaster. "And I don't expect you to forgive me. But I just wanted to see you one last time, and now that I have I, I-I should go."
Raymond ran a hand through her hair and just let his eyes roam over her face. Just memorise all the intricate details that he could mull over later. That same face that had made him so happy. Gave him such happiness he didn't think he could ever experience in his lifetime.
Raymond squeezed his tears away and planted one last kiss on Emilia's forehead and reluctantly broke away and turned from her to wipe off his tears and picked up his bag from the floor.
He didn't turn back as he got out of the room, the hallway, the reception and the hospital, got into the car and mumbled the airport to the driver. The car sped away and with the distance, his hollowness increased more.
And he could do nothing about it.
For once. He found a girl. The right one. And he managed to lose her.
All in such a short course of time.
The airport check-in went in a haze. Raymond spent the entire flight writing in his dark notebook. All his thoughts, all his pain, in one notebook.
***
A/n: What's your favourite song?
~Ria
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