Retrograde [Completed]

Part 26

I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. The poem in this chapter was really got my creative juices follow but was painful to write. ❤️

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Rossi has picked you up from your apartment on a cold Wednesday afternoon. The both of you had left work early so that he could take you. The car ride is silent besides the jazz that oozes softly out of the speakers. You have your poem book in hand. You direct him through the cemetery, having him stop in a circle drive not too far from Tyler's grave.

"I'll make a few circles around the block. You call me whenever you ready, no rush." Rossi reaches out to grab your hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

"Thanks for doing this again." Your voice is low, slightly embarrassed. You weren't used to this vulnerability.

"Anything for you kid. Go on now." He releases your hand and pats your knee.

You get out of the car, your legs shaky. You know the exact spot that he's buried, you wouldn't need help from any of the workers. You'd only been here once but you were never forget the path to him. It was burned into the neural pathways of your brain. When you make it to him, you stare at the headstone, taking in his name etched into the rock: Tyler Allen Jacobs, beloved son, brother, and love.

You sit cross legged in front of his headstone, stretching your hand out to touch the cold block.

"God I miss you." You whisper, you head dropping as you start to cry. You let the tears fall freely, not trying to hold in any of them. And once they're all out you lay down on top of his grave, staring up at the sky.

"I wrote something for you. It's about a guy...I think I love him, I hope you're not too upset with me." You glance up at the headstone again, as if he would've appeared there instead of the rock.

"I never meant to fall in love again. I wanted to die only loving you but he captivated me, I wasn't ready." You roll over, tracing the letters on the stone in front of you. "I'll stop rambling now and read it, though I can't promise I won't cry again." You can imagine wherever he is he's smiling at your words and tears prick in your eyes again. "Okay, settle in here we go." You open your book, turn to the page that's littered in scratches and scribbles. It had taken forever for it to feel finished. Taking a deep breath, you begin to read:

"how do I let you go?
how do I set sail without you, my engine
out of commission, out of this world
figuratively and literally,
a black void in your place.
you dazzle me, even in your absence
how do I pass him by?
not drowning in him seems impossible.
I'm thrown overboard without a life jacket and I call out for you but
only he answers, and the darkness of emptiness fades, filled with his light
I'm blinded and cover my eyes, hoping that this can't be true
leaving the darkness means leaving you.
leaving a home that'll never be ready for sell
indefinitely vacant
am I ready?
his light shines so bright, I can't deny his warmth, his brilliance
the smoothness of his voice, the callous of his skin, the mischief in his eyes
the flick of his tongue, the strength of his touch
his love
a new home. damaged but beautiful in all its unique ways
am I ready?"

"Am I ready, Ty?" Your voice breaks and you reposition yourself against his headstone, resting your check on it. You look at the letters of his name, tracing over them one last time.

"I'll always love you. Always." You whisper. With those words, the feeling of doom that's floated over your head since his death like a cloud dissipates. Before you know what you're doing you pull your phone out of your pocket, dialing a number. The phone rings and rings and rings before it goes to voicemail.

"Aaron...I need to see you. I finished that poem about life and all the things that come with it. And now I'm ready...you just have to let me say these three words. Please call me. I miss you." You rise to your feet, patting the top of the headstone one last time before starting back to the circle drive Rossi had dropped you off in.

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When you get home you've heard nothing from Hotch. Maybe he really was done. Maybe you had missed your chance. The thought of losing him for good broke you, but not in a way that destroyed you. You needed to fall for him. Loving Aaron Hotchner had changed you for the better. Even if it meant losing him, you were grateful to have been with him for the short time you were.

You're puttering around in the kitchen, when your phone chimes once. A text. From Hotch? You look at your phone and your heart rate instantly spikes. His text is simple:

I'll be there in 30.

"Sidney!" You scream at the top of your lungs.

She immediately comes running. "What? What's wrong? What happened?" She looks around the kitchen, searching for the disaster.

"He's coming, he'll be here in 30 minutes." You say breathlessly.

"Holy shit, you're going to tell him you love him in 30 minutes?" Her eyes widen.

"I guess so? Holy fuck." Your heart drops into your stomach. This was it. In 30 minutes you would either be with Hotch or you wouldn't.

"Okay, what do you need from me?" She looks determined, ready to help in any way.

"Will you go for a drive or something? I don't know, I feel like it needs to be just the two of us." You asks sheepishly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, please. I'll call you if things don't go as planned."

"I'll stay close, I'll go to the gas station and get snacks just in case."

"Thank you Sid." You pull her into a hug, squeezing her tightly.

"Aisha, I'm so proud of you. For opening up and being vulnerable." She whispers in your ear, and you feel your heart burst.

Pulling back you give her a wide grin. "What can I say, love changes you."

She looks down at the floor all of sudden and says, "I think I love Mandy."

"What?" You squeal, hugging her again, jumping up and down in excitement. This was long overdue, but I guess your love for Hotch was too.

"We'll talk about it soon. Let me go, I'll be back as soon as you ring."

"I love you Sid."

"I love you Aisha." She caresses your face gently and you kiss her hand.

She gathers her purse and coat and blows you a kiss before leaving the apartment. As soon as she's gone you start pacing. You were really going to do tell him you loved him. A real, live, man. You go to the bathroom and splash your face with water. Looking at yourself, you attempt to fix your hair. After a few minutes of toying with you give up and start pacing again. It feels like some much time and so little time has passed when there's a knock at the door.

He was here.

You sprint to the door and take a deep breath before opening it. You drink in the sight of him. He looks tired, disheveled, and sad. Like he hadn't been sleeping well. You could relate.  His fingers are rubbing together and you know that he's nervous.

"Aaron, hi."

"Hi."