Retrograde [Completed]

Part 24

There's more pain here...love you all. Just trust me!

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For the third day in a row you wake up in a cold sweat screaming at the top of your lungs. The nightmares where back but this time they were different. Instead of just Tyler seeing, there was a little sandy haired boy too. They were walking hand in hand, away from you towards a cliff. No matter how many times you beg and plead they kept walking and the moment they stepped off the cliff you woke up. You don't know who the little boy is, but his small figure haunts your waking memories.

There's a knock on your door and then Sid enters. "Hey, I'm here."She comes to sit on your bed.

"They're so bad Sid." Your voice is barely above a whisper. This is the worst they'd been in a long time.

"Oh honey. I'm so sorry." She scoots closer to you, taking your hand.

"I don't know how I'm going to do today." You look at the clock on your nightstand and it's a little after 6:30.

"His class is cancelled again, I'm guessing because he's as torn up as you are. We're just supposed to read and do a discussion board in place of it." She says cautiously and relief floods through you.

You ignore her comment about being torn up. "I'm going to see if I can move some of my participants up then, I don't feel like going to my criminology class today."

"Do you want me to come with you? I could hang out in P's office." She offers.

"No, it's okay Sid. I don't want to be a burden."

"Aisha, you're never a burden. You've just lost someone you loved again. You're hurting and I want to be there."

"You being here right now is enough." You wrap her into a tight hug before declaring that you'd try to make today a good day.

By the time you make it to the office it's around 9 a.m. When you exit the elevator and round the corner there he is, coming out of his office. You knew that this would happen sooner or later, you and him seeing each other in this hall. It was inevitable. You stop in your tracks, your feet frozen into place as your eyes meet his. The sight of him made you realize how much you missed him. The two of you stare at each other for a few moments before you shake your head, recomposing yourself.

You wished that the two of you would take back everything you said on Sunday and pretend it never happened. You wish things could go back to the way they were. Or that you were strong enough to tell him how you really felt. But here you were, standing with the man you couldn't be open with.

"Aaron, hi. I didn't think you'd be here." You close the gap between you and his eyes widen at your proximity.

"Hi." He says curtly. You expect him to say more but the silence between stretches on for a period of time. You shift uncomfortably from foot to foot and you catch in your peripherals that his fingers are rubbing together.

"How are you?" You try to make small talk. You just wanted to hear his voice as much as you could. You missed the deep, richness of it.

"How do you think I am, Aisha?" His voice is hushed and melancholy.

"I'm sorry." And it's true. You are sorry for the things you said, and you are sorry for the way things happened between you. When you were on the defense you said things that you didn't mean. Surprising yourself and him, you reach for his hand.

He looks down at his hand in yours and then back up at you, shaking his head. "I don't think you are."

"How can you say that?" Your voice is thick with the tears that have been forming in your eyes.

"Do you love me?" He steps forward so your back presses into the wall, his eyes boring into yours. All you can think about is kissing him and so you lean forward pressing your lips to his. One of his hands wraps around your throat, the other knotting in your hair. His tongue invades your mouth and you both groan into each other's mouths. He pulls back, kissing the tip of your nose before he asks again. "Do you love me?"

"Aaron, don't start this again." He releases you, rolling his eyes.

"Answer the question or go, Aisha. I can't play this game with you anymore." He says exasperated.

"It's not a game, I'm just not ready."

"No, you refuse to be ready and this is why this can't work."

"It doesn't work because you won't stay." Your voice is firm.

"You're right. I won't stay and love someone with my entire being when she can't even admit that she loves me back." His words make butterflies swirl in your stomach and anxiety flares in your chest.

Entire being?

"I wouldn't be the first person to leave; maybe it's not me." The words fly out of your mouth before you can think about it and you instantly regret them.

His mouth drops open in shock and his eyes cloud with hurt. "I guess I know where you stand. Goodbye Ms. James." He storms past you, ripping his arm out of yours when you reach for him.

"Aaron, wait!" You call after him but he doesn't stop, taking the stairs instead of the elevator. You decide against running after him, realizing that you had a participant soon and you needed to set up. Maybe this was a sign that things between you and Aaron Hotchner were really over this time and something inside you breaks. You can't stop the tears as you walk down the hall and into the lab.