Just Some Shit

Beginning of the End

I wrote this after my "boyfriend" texted my best friend telling her that he wanted to break up with me but didn't know how to.

I hear the words come out of her mouth, reading the thing that you sent. Was happy...Not the same...I feel bad...I don't know how to tell her... I felt my lungs being squeezed to the point where I could barely breathe, she looked at me to see if I was ok (I wasn't) I could see the sympathy in her eyes making the pain a little worse than it had been when I first heard the words fall from her lips "Yeah I'm just going to go to the bathroom." I stand up fighting the hot tears I feel pushing against my eyes and starting to blur my vision. Once the bathroom door closes behind me I hear my heart shatter, and I struggle to stay on my feet. The fear of rejection taking over me causing my chest to tighten and my palms to sweat. The realization of me no longer being wanted clouding my thoughts teasing the pain, makes me choke on a sob that I am trying to hide. I walk back to my room after wiping the tears away and plastering a smile to my face even though I know she won't buy it. She will be leaving for home soon I don't know what it is that I am supposed to be feeling right now so I just climb into bed, grab onto my blanket and press it to my face; I turned on my sad playlist and I lay down on my bed the stinging in my eyes is a threat to let the tears fall. I keep thinking in my head over and over "what did I do to make him leave me?" " Why wasn't I enough for him, when I gave him everything that I could?" It felt as if a hole was ripped in my chest, I looked down to feel my heart gone and I knew that he had it. My head was pounding as if someone was in there banging on my skull to get out, to release all of my pain but they couldn't breakthrough. WHY, what did I do wrong only a week before he said he "loved me more" but now I am here alone with the pain and the tears. WHY! He filled my head with nothing but misled hope and broken promises, and to me they were beautiful but now they haunt my dreams. I lay awake thinking about his words not knowing how we could have been fine and then he just walked away like that.