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19

After the night when I told Liam about the accident, I started to feel better than in a very long time, not because I felt less pain or less guilt, but because I finally accepted my part in their deaths. It was my fault what happened, it was my fault that my sister died thinking I don't care enough about her, that she died with her cheeks still wet because of how much I hurt her, that Luke died before I could know him or even tell him I know he really loves Criss. And that is something that will haunt me forever, together with the last moments of their lives, him shielding her, telling my sister how much he loves her and she screaming for him. 

But since the night I open up my heart I feel lighter, stronger, more at peace. Liam was the best this last three months, he spent hours and hours talking with me about anything from school to life-changing decisions, he's been training me every week never canceling a session, teaching me so many things now. Sometimes I still find myself looking at him wondering how he could be so good to me or imagining how easy it would be for me to love him, more than just a friend. 

Of course, my feelings for him only grew during this time, but nothing changed regarding our status, nothing happened between us, and that almost kiss situation never repeated itself. We never talked about having feelings for each other again, he sometimes comments on it, but I ignore them, just as he ignores my reactions when he gets too close to me or embraces me.

Our movie night still happens every Monday, only the group is much bigger now and we don't always meet at my place, Liam and Logan playing hosts from time to time. The first to join us was Liam and Alicia, the second week of school, then Cassie, a girl from my literature class, then John and Freddie, two boys from Logan's class. After that Cassie's boyfriend, Paul, joined together with his best friend, Ian, they both are in Logan's class, which means they are seniors. the last person joining was Franci, a friend of Mary that is in her art class. 

It's funny how a few months ago I only had Mary, but now I have a nice group of friends with whom I am always together. Because movie night is not the only time we hang out together, no. We spend all lunch breaks together, when we have common classes we stay close to each other, we go out every Thursday to eat something, Fridays are for fun activities such as going to a party, going shopping, playing bowling or things like that. And on Sunday we have a girls' day, we meet and hang out together just us girls and the boys go out for drinks. But once on two Sundays Liam and Logan's friend from the next town comes to visit them and we throw a party at their places with music, drinks, food, and games. 

I still don't know every one of them, but I know Greg, Liam's best friend pretty well know, we are even friends on Facebook, also Tina and Jeremy, the funny couple with the leach joke, and Christina, a redhead girl that is the funniest person alive. The rest of their names are still a mystery to me, even if I find all of them to be very nice and I repeatedly ask Liam to tell me their names, my mind lets me down. 

The last three months were pretty amazing, I started to heal, made friends had fun, glue back pieces of my heart together, learned to actually live, and felt my heart so full of love for the people around me. Even at school, people stopped tormenting me, partially because Liam would beat anyone who picked up with me, partially because I was no longer an easy target. I started to defend myself and everyone took a step back, everyone except Tiffany. She would still be mean, still pull out pranks on me, calling me 'Liam's bitch', 'death note', or calling me Criss, but it didn't affect me as much as it used to. I just ignore her now.

Now December is around the corner considering is the last Saturday of November. We are all at our usual Saturday gathering with our friends from town and the ones outside of town and we all start making plans for our winter break, thinking about what to do on Christmas and New Year's Eve.