Catharsis

*35*

There were still moments when I hated myself. Like when I was making love to Byeol and occasionally Ha-Neul's image would visit my thoughts and kill the mood. The worst part was that more than guilt towards Tae or my girlfriend I felt mainly frustration that it was just a fantasy. She was never mine like that. 

Or when I would chat with Tae and sometimes I would randomly imagine him having sex with her. It made me feel ashamed of myself. But at the same time I found it a little excusable. To be honest, I couldn't really understand why I had all these dirty thoughts. I never used to be such a sexual person but I had all these odd urges lately. 

I put it down to the fact that I am more comfortable with my own body and I want to experiment more and get to know myself even better. Which would be perfectly fine, if it didn't have to involve my friend's girlfriend. 

So my desire to make love to Byeol slowly faded away because I wouldn't get aroused anymore, knowing I would touch her, but in my head I would touch someone else. She didn't ask any questions or reprimand me. She was too good for me sometimes. I didn't plan to make it a permanent thing though, just take a break so I can get rid of my sinful obsession. It wasn't fair on her.

Even my dance moves were getting more bold and sensual. No one complained about it though, it was suitable for my occupation. It all started when we were asked to perform Rain's Rainism for a television show, with Jungkook in the center, singing it and me and Taehyung as the main dancers. It was a sexy song and I always thought the playboy attitude would look ridiculous on me, but I realized it actually suited me. It looked natural. My friends would call me J-Hoe or J-Hot sometimes but I wasn't offended, it would actually put a smile on my face. 

Summer holiday was coming to an end and school was about to start in a few days. The agency gave us the rest of the week off and we would resume practice once we go back to school. So me and the boys decided to spend the time together, away from civilization, in a camping trip in the mountains. It wasn't only the seven of us anymore, more than half of us were in a relationship. But the more the merrier, right?

I don't know through what miracle Ha-Neul ended up accepting to come as well, I assumed she found out that I have a girlfriend and thought it's safe ground. Or maybe she got tired of avoiding my ghost. I wasn't bothered by it, but it did make me slightly nervous. Maybe it was a good opportunity to make order in my life once and for all and get closer to Byeol, being reminded she doesn't belong to me. There was also a small chance it might go the wrong way and that scared me. But there was no way back now. 

Jin was the only one with a driving license, so we rented a camper van that would fit us all inside for the road, then we will split into groups and sleep in tents. The journey was quite pleasant actually. It was easy for me and Ha-Neul to stay away from each other as there were nine more people to socialize with. Hopefully I worried for nothing. We stopped at a big supermarket first to buy all the necessary provisions. 

Byeol was glued to my side, acting coy about the whole situation and I found it really cute, she never looked timid in my presence before. 

"Are you uncomfortable?" I asked, wrapping my arm around her waist and pulling her closer.

"No, it's just... All your friends are so cool! And their girlfriends so pretty! I just feel a bit overwhelmed! I don't know who to speak with first! What if they don't like me?" she confessed.

I laughed at her existential problem and kissed her forehead. "There's nothing not to like about you, sweetie pie! Let's just start with the first person that we bump into to make it easier!" I encouraged her.

It didn't take long to regret my words and want to take them back. Ha-Neul appeared in front of us, focused on reading the ingredients on a package. Tae was nowhere to be seen and I couldn't avoid the situation.