Catharsis

*28*

I had to leave things unfinished with Ha-Neul as there was no other option. She doesn't have to know how I feel, although she might already. If I don't speak them out loud, then they are not real or confirmed. But I wanted to fix things between me and Tae. He knew about the kiss, but never treated me differently. I went behind his back and lied to him and he was as nice as ever. He and Ha-Neul are really made for each other.

This day was already eventful, but I felt it couldn't wait any longer. Now that I knew my lies have been exposed, I wanted to apologize and try to mend our relationship. 

I waited until the end of the day when me and Tae would be alone, after everyone left. Everyone but Ha-Neul. I saw that coming, but I was strong on my decision to talk things through with him. I wondered for a second if they planned to spend the night together, like newlyweds, but I threw away this thought when I felt a hint of jealousy. 

I stayed under the pretext to help with cleaning after the party as I haven't been much of a help in the last few weeks and I wanted to make it up for my cold attitude. They let themselves convinced in the end. Ha-Neul was busy doing the dishes, while me and Tae were cleaning the living room. 

I wasted no time and started to speak. "Tae, we need to talk. I am really sor..."

"Hobi, please don't" he interrupted. "I am the one who should apologize. I wanted to all this time, but I couldn't find the words." 

I stood speechless for a moment but then revolted "What are you talking about, you've done nothing wrong! I am ashamed of my sneaky behaviour. Let me speak first, please." Tae nodded and kept arranging pillows on the sofas in silence. I made sure I can hear the sound of water pouring from the kitchen, then continued.

"I am sorry I went behind your back. I never wanted to, it just happened once when I wasn't thinking straight and it meant nothing to her. I am not trying to find an excuse, I did lie to you when you asked me about my feelings for Ha-Neul. Not the first time, but on the day she ended up in hospital. So you have all the rights to..."

"Stop right there, hyung." Tae stopped me again. "I am as guilty as you are. You're going through all this because of me. You loved her first and I took her away from you only because you were too nice and gave up in my favour. You lied for my sake. How can I forgive you when there is nothing to apologize for in the first place?"

"There is. I put our friendship in danger and nothing hurts more." I sighed.

"It hurts that I am happy and you're not. And I am the cause."

"Stop saying nonsense, it's not your fault. It was my decision and I am at peace with it. I realized my feelings a bit too late, but they mean nothing to me now. So you're the only one left to love her." I said sternly.

"No one believes that, hyung. We both know you are truly madly deeply in love with her and real love can't be erased just like that" 

"It can, for the good reasons. We both know also that she loves you and not me. And that works out in everyone's favour as I couldn't have made her happy even if I wanted. But you can. And that's all that matters to me."

"How can you be so sure?" he lamented.

"Well, does it even matter anymore?" I pointed out and I could see he is trying to speak but no words are coming out. That's because it's pointless. Even if I could turn back time, I would still choose to give up. I can't give her the love that she needs or bring her happiness. A broken man can't complete her broken soul, she needs someone to love her wholeheartedly and not give her only fragments. 

"What are you two doing, slacking off?" Ha-Neul appeared from the kitchen with a pout on her face. Both me and Tae melted at her cute charms. "It's good that I knew you'll be like that, so I made you a brew so you can have a pretext not to work" she giggled and placed a tray with three cups on the table. We sat on the sofa with her in the middle, completely unaware of the love triangle she was placed into. I tried my best to not look too uncomfortable and me and Tae exchanged suspicious looks.

"I want to say something to both of you, my precious boys that I love most in this world." I almost choked on the tea at her confession while Tae looked composed. Was he not bothered? She stretched both of her hands and held ours while continue speaking "I am sorry, I think I made things awkward between you because of my honesty. So I will make it better right here, right now. Yes, Hobi kissed me, but it meant nothing to me. And it's because I acted really weird that day and I sent him wrong signals and confused him." she said looking at Taehyung and I was glad none were paying attention to me as my heart ached. Then she continued, facing me this time. "And me and Tae were not a thing back then and I wasn't even considering it as an option. So there is no reason to blame yourselves or each other. And if there has to be someone's fault, then it's mine for being too needy. So, please, just stop being weird already, it breaks my heart!" she pouted and put each of our hands that she was holding together. Then she showed us both her puppy eyes that we couldn't refuse so we just nodded in approval. She smiled happily and pinched both of our noses as punishment for being idiotic. I guess she was right. It has to mean nothing to all of us so we can look forward.

"Hyung, why don't you stay here for the night? It's already quite late and there's no one at your house anyways" Tae broke the awkward silence.

"Thanks, but I don't think it's such a good idea. You need this time alone so enjoy it to the fullest!" I winked back at him, while getting ready to leave. There was no way I would prolong the awkwardness. And I refused to think I am the only one feeling it. 

I glanced at Ha-Neul and noticed she flinched when our eyes meet. Was she staring at me? But why? Is there more she wants to say? I was too exhausted to stop myself from giving away my feelings. If she has something on her chest, she will have to tell me later. I am sure it's nothing that can't wait. But I couldn't ignore the hint of sadness in her smile as we said our goodbyes.

I need to stop imagining things for my own good. I see what I want to see, probably she's just tired and actually has nothing to say. I was still contemplating on the future of our relationship. Will I run away or stay her friend? I can't imagine life without her, so I guess I will just have to play by ear. 

Sinful thoughts crossed my mind again as I was cycling through the dead of a starless night. Ironically, I was encouraging it before, but it hurt picturing how they would lose themselves in each other and become one. If I ever knew I had such bad luck at love, I would have never let my heart beat for another one.