Catharsis

*20*

I found myself completely lost, literally and metaphorically. I had no idea where I was and it felt as if my soul left my body and nothing remained inside. I leaned against the wall as I could barely keep me steady on my feet and then slowly crashed on the ground. 

An angel voice brought some sense to me, but not enough to regain my strength. 

"Hyung, what's wrong, are you hurt?" a desperate Jimin caught up on me and fell to the floor as soon as he found me. When I didn't respond he pulled my face in his direction and his eyes were brimming with tears as he noticed my blank stare. The bruise on his cheek made me feel some emotions and I touched it instinctively, gently stroking it, as if it was just a stain and I tried hard to clean it. It didn't work and that made me feel even worse. 

"Hobi, are you unwell? We need to go to the hospital!" he said worriedly, trying to make me stand. I laughed in my mind knowing that no doctor can fix my issue. I stumbled on my feet, but managed to pull myself together. I didn't expect Jimin to see me like this, so I had to force myself to speak.

"No, I am fine, I just need some fresh air" I smiled slightly. Jimin looked at me with a doubtful expression but then helped me outside. We were in a courtyard and Jimin placed my lifeless  body on a bench. Him being there makes me feel less wary.

"Thank you, Jiminie, I feel so much better already" I said weakly, but found some strength to continue speaking. "How did you find me?" I was convinced no one at the scene saw me, as everyone's attention was pointed somewhere else.

"How can I not? I've noticed you from the start but I was too worried about Tae to let it show. I know you wanted to step in, but Ha-Neul was faster. Is that why you are so upset? Even if you didn't help him physically, it's all about the good intention. And all ended up just fine. Plus I think it's better that Ha-Neul took the initiative, I think that's a sign things might actually work out between them." he smiled trying to make me feel better but it was the exact opposite. 

My expression went grim at the thought of the kiss. I wanted to ask Jimin about what happened after I looked away, but I couldn't, afraid of what the possible answer might be. 

"Hyung, really now, what's the issue? I'll trust you that it's not related to your health, but there is definitely something bothering you. Please, talk to me!" Jimin insisted.

"I don't really know, Jiminie... I wish I'd knew, but instead my heart just aches without a proper reason. I just can't stop it." I sighed.

"Hyung... I will speak my mind as it might help. Don't get angry at me for saying it, but I think it's all related to Ha-Neul..." My eyes widened at his unexpected confession. "I know you are friends and there are a lot of similar experiences that tightened your bond, but I think there is something more to it. Since that day in March I noticed your eyes always follow her presence. Your expression always brightens up when you're in the center of her attention and you make that triangular shaped mouth when she's not around or focuses on someone else. I might be wrong, but there might be a chance you are falling for her..."

Was I that obvious? I let out a loud sigh and sunk on the bench as I knew Jimin might be right, it was one of my theories as well. "I won't deny it, I thought about it as a possibility. But our relationship is so confusing most of the times, I can't tell when we're too close and when we've crossed the line as friends, it comes natural to both of us to be very affectionate towards each other, but does that really mean something? Or is it just the way we are? She's showed me so much love and treats me so preciously, to the point I can't really tell the difference between love and gratitude and I don't want to mess up. And the worst is that Tae is my friend, it kills me on the inside thinking we might argue because of that." I tried to reason. 

"But that's the reason why you left, isn't it? When they did... that. It hurt, right? Why would it hurt?" Jimin knew me too well.

"Maybe I am just being selfish. I just want her all to myself. It's not the fact that they end up having feelings for each other that bothers me, but simply the fact that I feel like I am going to lose her. I know we can stay friends, but it just feels like she wouldn't have time for me anymore. And I would feel bad getting close to her, I don't want to go behind Tae's back. It's just that she's given me so much hope and light since she entered my life, I am scared I might lose everything and I'll go back to how I used to be."

"Don't say that, Hoseokie, you're really strong! And I know she will never give up on you, no matter what happens. What you have is special and it can never be torn apart." Jimin tried to encourage me and I smiled faintly back at him. He then pulled me in a long warm hug. 

I couldn't help it in the end and asked almost whispering, as if I would say it louder it would feel real "Do you think they are together now?"

"I think it is likely, I don't really know what happened after they kissed, I was too troubled to pay attention so I just run after you! But we'll found out soon. You just need to pull yourself together and try to sort out your feelings in the meantime."

"What if it turns out I do have feelings for her? What do I do then? I feel like the most despicable human being having these thoughts and knowing how much it will hurt Tae..."

"I have to be honest, I don't really know. I love you both and I want you to be happy, I like to think nothing will break our friendship apart and I hope it never gets to that, but it will be her decision in the end and who she decides to give her heart to..."

The answer was completely different in my mind. If it turns out it's true, I'll just have to bury my feelings deep down and pretend they don't exist. I will never hurt Tae. And I will never allow a girl to interfere in our friendship. No matter how special she is. I just have to repeat it to myself until it becomes the truth. And to hope it won't turn me into a monster.