Catharsis

*26*

The atmosphere was getting heavier and I felt I was running out of breath. I thought I prepared myself enough for this moment, but practice is always trickier than theory. 

Tae and Ha-Neul were standing in front of me, smiling at each other, but their happiness weighed hard on my shoulders. Everyone in the room was having a good time and I felt out of place. 

Namjoon and Cho were eating cake together. Jimin and Hana were dancing. The rest of the boys were busy giggling in the center of the room, playing a card game. My girlfriend was trying to get my attention, but I had none to spare at the moment. It was all for Ha-Neul. And I think that's when reality hit me hard and I finally realized what my choice really meant. That I have no right to do that anymore, she doesn't belong to me and if she ever did, I completely ruined that.

My legs felt weak and I knew I had to escape before I cause any commotion. I excused myself with the pretext I had to ring my sister about an urgent matter and luckily everyone bought it. I rushed to the door without looking too desperate.

I crashed on a chair in Tae's back garden. The sun was scorching hot and it did me no favour as I was already burning on the inside. I covered my face with my hands trying to hide the pain and make it go away. I heard someone sitting next to me and I prayed to all gods not to be her, it was too much for me to bear and it would tear me apart.

I managed to gather some courage to peek at the person sat next to me and I breathed relieved seeing Yoongi passing me a cold beer, avoiding to look at me. I was grateful at his kindness, he must have done it because he knew I was embarrassed. 

"Hobi, take your time and speak when you feel ready. I will wait and listen to you even if the sun is melting me away" he said with his usual grumpy, but kind voice. I knew he hated laying in the sun, but he was willing to sacrifice himself for my benefit. I grabbed the can and used the cold liquid to extinguish the burn in my throat so I can speak. 

"Thank you, hyung." I got up and brought a patio umbrella from the shed so I can place it on top and shelter him from the blaze.

"That doesn't mean you can avoid telling me what's bothering you!" he said sneakily. 

"Why do I have to be such an open book to you?" Weren't you supposed to be absorbed in that game of UNO?" I whined.

"I was, but you were emanating such dark vibes that it got me distracted." 

"Please go back and enjoy the party, I will go back in shortly." I tried to reason with him.

"Hoseok, stop making a fool of yourself and spill the beans. I can't go back as long as I know something is wrong with you. And make it quick, if you don't want everyone else to worry about you."

"You just know me too well, it's so unfair!" I whimpered. 

"Then stop showing emotions in public if you want to be left alone! Learn from the pro!" he flashed his gummy smile and I couldn't help and let out a small laugh.

"Tell me what's wrong" he became serious again.

"I don't know how to say it without sounding like an awful human being." I muttered. 

"I will decide that." he tried to motivate me. "Let me help you to start. It's written all over your face that is related to Ha-Neul" he continued.

I sighed loudly, completely surrendering. I don't know if it was because I was really obvious or because he knew me too well. I took another big sip of beer, gathering the courage to speak.

"You know we haven't really spoken or seen each other for a long time. I am just overwhelmed with too many emotions."

"I will be blunt. Do you love her, Hobi?" I choked on the beer at his words. I wanted to deny it, but I think I was exhausted after trying so hard for so long. Maybe it was time to be honest to myself.

"I do" I sighed, my eyes looking at the ground, ashamed of my feelings for my friend's girlfriend.

"I do as well" I raised my eyes and looked at him completely shocked. "I can't thank her enough for everything's she's done for you. She saved you, when all six of us were completely powerless. And she makes Taehyung so happy. How can you not love such a nice person? Seeing the way she treats you both I can't stop wondering how she would make me feel and what she can do for me. So I understand why you are feeling like that. And I understand why you stepped down for Tae to be happy with her. But I don't understand why you are so troubled. Why did you give up if you knew you won't be able to handle it? You are hurting both yourself and Taehyung."

His words hit me hard. He was scolding me and I deserved it. I am not a victim, I am the perpetrator. 

"I did it because I thought I could handle it. But mainly because at that time my only certainty was my love for Tae, the feelings for her were too confusing and I thought it was all because I was grateful for all she's done for me." I explained myself.

"That's the kind of love I feel for her. But I can clearly make out the difference. What stopped you from figuring it out? Are you sure you weren't just lying to yourself, trying to convince yourself of something that only you wanted to be real?" he insisted. 

"Maybe, I don't know! I just didn't want to hurt Tae, ever since I found out he has feelings for her I just had to stop myself from wanting more!"

"But that didn't stop you from kissing her" he said irritated and I was horrified at his confession. 

"How..." 

"Taehyung told me. Ha-Neul told him everything, she wanted a clean start at happiness. But you cheated all the time. And if you cheat the love game, you end up just like that. In pain and with plenty of regrets."

"Why are you doing this? I thought you wanted to help me, not to make me feel dreadful!" I shouted with tears in my eyes.

"Hobi, you need to wake up so I have no choice but to shake you really bad in order to achieve that!" he raised his voice to amplify the meaning of his words.

"Why? All this time I thought I was doing the right thing, I was doing my best to protect my friendship!" I muttered through tears.

"And where did that bring you? You've become soulless. You lied to yourself and everyone else. You ruined your chances at happiness. And now you're ruining your life and others' by being such a flirt. Wake the fuck up, Hobi and accept the damn truth! You've been in love with Ha-Neul all this time and you hate yourself for giving her away! You'll never be able to love yourself because of that! If you would have been true to yourself from the start you would be now in Tae's place and you know that. And no one would have blamed you for it. You've made the worst choice out of all possible because if you change your mind now there is no way no one will not end up hurt!"

My head was spinning and I was getting dizzy. Yoongi's words kept echoing in my mind and no matter how hard I wanted to erase them, I knew he was right. I felt panic taking over me as I started to realize how bad I screwed up by molding a pretty lie that stained my life. I knew all this time I was in love in her, but I didn't want to accept it. But why? I was trying hard to find an answer, but somewhere between my friend's harsh but well needed words and my stubborn denial my body broke under the pressure.

"Y-Yoongi, I can't... breathe..." I collapsed on the ground and the last thing I remembered was the beer spilling on the grass, just like my chances at happiness that I completely wasted.