Catharsis

*18*

No one knows what's going on inside my head and that's the way it has to stay. I have to refuse help again or I might start to give in and expose everything. I tried hard to keep the darkness locked away and I am not ready to let it roam around free to hurt others.

I was just about to text him back when a new message from Hobi popped on the screen. "I know you want to say no, so I will use my trump card and force you to say yes. I am in the park nearby, I will wait for you."

My heart skipped a beat. How did he know where my boyfriend lived? Why must he be so stubborn? Why can't he just let me be? I put on my coat and walked to the park, knowing he won't leave if I don't show up. 

"You deserve to be kicked and hard!" I complained as soon as I noticed him sat on a bench, his face barely lit up by a street lamp. Even if you couldn't see him very well in the dim light, he had a certain aura around him and I could tell it was him from miles apart. 

"Thanks for coming. I hope you are not too mad."

"How can I not be when I am being stalked?"

"Sorry, Tae is the one that actually gave me the address, apparently he knows your boyfriend and where he lives." I froze in shock, why does he know that? "They were classmates in primary school, don't think badly of him!"

I sighed in relief "How come you are here and not him?"

"I was actually with him when you texted him back. He didn't want to insist and upset you more, but he hoped I can do something for you when he can't. He is really worried about you."

The pain in my chest grew stronger. "I should apologize to him. To be honest I don't mind seeing him, but I just think it's completely wrong. I can't offer him anything and he'll only end up suffering." 

"He thinks you're suffering. And I think the same. I am here to listen to whatever you want to take off your chest!" he patted the place next to him, inviting me to sit by his side.

We stood silent for a while, me looking for the right words and him eager to hear out the truth. 

"Let me say something first, before you start..." he said softly, taking both of my hands in his. "I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I was completely lost when I first talked to you. I hated myself more than anything and no matter what others said to make me feel better or no matter how hard they tried to help me, I would always run far away and refuse help. I am convinced that's how you feel now, because I was just like you. But not anymore. And you know why? Because of you, Ha-Neul! You showed me I have reasons to love myself. Because when I didn't, you did it for me. You didn't stop until I realized I must mean something to be given so much love. I can't believe it myself how far I've come. I still have days when I look in the mirror and all I see is flaws, but the ones when I am smiling back to the reflection in the mirror are more frequent. You've given back my life. So now I beg you, please use me, please use me to love yourself! Please, see yourself through my eyes!"

I promised myself I would stop crying in front of him. Stop looking vulnerable. Stop looking so damaged. But his words caved in deep into my heart and I couldn't hold back my tears. They were happy tears that he finally accepted himself mixed with sad ones, doubting I would ever be able to do the same for myself.

"I can't, Hobi, I am too scared the darkness will take over me once I release it. I can't fight it, so I just bury it deep down. I am scared it will hurt everyone around me..." I muttered through tears. 

"You have to let it out, you think it's hidden, but it actually consumes you from within. You'll never be happy if you don't fight your demons! I am here to fight beside you. And I am not afraid to get hurt if that means you'll emerge free." he encouraged me.

"But I am, I don't want you to get hurt! Once they're released and I speak out my fears I know everyone will suffer, everyone will be so concerned, that's why I pretend I am fine until I actually believe it. I don't know how to live differently, that's what I've always done. I can't speak my mind without completely losing myself!" I pleaded.

Hobi raised my hands along with his and placed soft kisses on both of mine. "I am more concerned about the fact I don't actually know what is going on in your pretty mind and I hate you have to struggle on your own. It is frustrating and it's eating me alive. But I won't force you to do something you're not ready to do. I'll just stay by your side as your own private sun and I will shine light and love on you, until you will grow strong enough to let happiness in."

I was really touched by his words. I put on a little smile hearing him calling himself a sunshine. He then leaned towards my face and kissed my forehead and then my cheeks. I wanted to pull back, but it felt warm so I closed my eyes instead, letting all in. He continued covering my face with soft kisses and I surrendered completely. I was fully relaxed and my mind was suddenly blank. When he kissed my nose I snapped out of it, not wanting him to make the same mistake twice, so I opened my eyes to avoid another kiss, but he was at a considerable distance away from my face already. I sighed in relief and he smiled, as if he knew what I was thinking, then Hobi spoke again.

"When I am with you I feel like telling you everything, even my darkest secrets. As if anything I say, it will either get erased or turned into something positive. So I will say something that I wanted you to never find out about me." I watched him attentively, wondering how much sadness is still living inside of him. "I tried to end my life before." My whole body ached at his confession. "I am ashamed of myself. But that's all in the past now. I have no more of these dark thoughts anymore and a moment ago I've just realized why: I don't want to go to a place where you don't exist..." 

He was caressing my cheek so softly I thought I would melt under his touch. I stared at his face and I could describe all the details, although it was barely visible. My heart was beating so fast and loud that I was convinced you could hear it from afar. For the first time ever I considered that maybe I am worth it. If a friend thought like that about me, then what type of affection should I expect from a lover? I was questioning all my life decisions and had a huge revelation. I could say with certainty now that I was not happy and I lied to myself all this time. 

I collapsed on the ground, crying heavily. Hobi leaned down and wrapped his arms around me as if trying to put me together. I think he could tell my world was falling apart and walls were crumbling down. He kissed me repeatedly on the forehead until I calmed down. I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. Then he whispered "I love you, Ha-Neul. I would be nothing without you. Let me in so you can feel my love..."

I moved back and he released my waist. I nodded in acceptance at his request. "I love you, too, Hobi. You already creeped into my heart a long time ago, I just didn't realize until now. I am at a loss of words to thank you enough for all you've done for me. I promise I will start to fight and I will get better. I have a proper reason now, more important than my own happiness."

He looked back at me with a confused look but didn't ask any questions. He probably already achieved more than he ever expected to and didn't want to insist more. We just smiled at each other and I don't know what was on his mind, but I was already getting excited at the idea of starting to do things for myself without feeling the burden.