Catharsis

*9*

Suddenly Areum touched my shoulder, gesturing to the other two pairs, inviting me to dance. I would normally jump right into it, but right now I wasn't in the mood. Still, I needed a distraction. So I pulled her into an awkward embrace and tried to move to the rhythm. But not even Jimin's angelic voice could save me out of my misery. 

I put a huge effort to not let myself bothered of what happened and still enjoy the day. Why was I  upset anyways? I was learning to love myself, not lose myself. So I chose the next song, getting everyone hyped up with my energy and dance moves. 

A couple of songs later everyone needed to use the restroom, so it was only me and Hana left in the room. 

"Hoseok, what do you think about Areum?" she asked swiftly. "I bet you realized by now that she likes you a lot."

I sighed. "I did actually. She is a sweet girl, I have nothing bad to say about her. But I can't return the feelings, I am not looking for love."

She sighed as well. "Are you sure there is not even the slightest chance to fall for her? She liked you for a long time now and you staring at me didn't do our friendship any favour."

So that's why she looked so uncomfortable before. "I am sorry, I had no idea. She's never actually spoken to me, not even once."

"That's because you were so cold, rejecting everyone! She was scared you would chase her away. But now you've showed your true colours and she became really hopeful. She would be a perfect girlfriend, she could definitely make you happy!"

"I won't deny the possibility, but I have no romantic feelings for her, I am sorry. And I don't know how to say it without breaking her heart."

"Hey, guys, I have a great idea!" Taehyung suddenly interrupted and I was grateful. "Let's play spin the bottle!"

Everyone was back now and excited about Tae's suggestion. Everyone but me. We changed the rules a bit to make the game less uncomfortable, so you had the option to hug instead kissing if you didn't want to.  

We sat on the floor in the same order as before, forming a circle.

"I'll start first!" Tae said excitedly. I nervously watched the bottle spin, but finally breathed out when it stopped in front of me. The next second Taehyung crashed over me, lips into a pout and my face in his hands. I was fighting to release myself from his grip to everyone's delight. The room was filled with laughter as Tae managed to peck my cheek eventually and went back to his position triumphantly.

It was my turn now and all eyes on me. I turned the bottle cautiously, but obviously too cautiously as it moved only slightly, pointing to the person sat to my right. Everyone laughed again at my clumsiness. But I couldn't. The chosen person was Ha-Neul. 

I looked her in the eyes, trying my best not to blush. And maybe it was only my imagination, but her cheeks did catch a slight shade of pink. She moved closer to me and I couldn't tell what she wanted me to do. I lowered my eyes to her lips and they looked really soft. Then I could swear she bit her lower lip a bit, but maybe I was imagining things again. Does she want me to kiss her? Do I? I moved closer as well and saw that she was lowering her gaze, was she looking at my lips? A sudden nervousness took over me and I lost my balance, landing with my face on her chest. The next thing I knew we were both on the floor, Ha-Neul arms wrapped around me, likely trying to protect me on my way down.

"Awwwww" everyone exclaimed at once. We let go of each other swiftly and moved back to our positions, embarrassed to death. That went well. I glanced at her to watch her reaction and she looked a bit flustered. 

I watched her shaking her head as if banishing some evil spirits and then she spun the bottle, which stopped at Hana. Ha-Neul got up and squeezed Hana into a hug. Now it was the latter turn and things were about to get spicier.

As if all the gods answered my prayers, the bottle stopped in front of Jimin. I looked at both, Hana smiling widely and Jimin looking shy, but happy at the same time. The next second Hana was sitting in Jimin's lap and pulled him into a passionate kiss. "I love you, Park Jimin!" I chuckled and cheered at the sight. They looked perfect to each other, a match made in heaven. The kiss ended too soon, I thought. But as if Jimin read my mind, he took the bottle and voluntarily placed it in front of Hana, him starting to kiss her this time, deeper and longer. "I love you so much, Hana!"

When it finally ended, they both smiled at each other, then looked really embarrassed as though they've only realized that they were not alone. Me and Tae moved to Jimin's each side, giving him a double hug, congratulating the new couple. 

The game continued with Jimin and Hana lost in each other's arms and I couldn't be any happier. Hana spun the bottle and it landed in front of Areum. They hugged affectionately and the game continued, now Taehyung being the one chosen by the bottle. Areum got up and gave him an awkward short hug.  

My life was like a rollercoaster ride lately.  And today was no different. All was about to go downhill. Tae spun the bottle and it took ages for it to stop, but the inevitable happened and it picked Ha-Neul. My heart skipped a beat. I looked first at Taehyung, a way too happy expression on his face and then at Ha-Neul, with a poker face. Before I had time to make scenarios in my head, Tae spoke.

"I would really love to kiss you, but I don't think that's something that would make you happy, so I'll have to be content with just a bear hug for now!" And he pulled Ha-Neul in a long tight embrace. I could swear I saw tears forming in the corner of her eyes and it hurt a little bit.

 "Thank you, Tae" she muttered. The mood in the room was silent. Everyone was touched by the moment. I thought to myself that a kiss would have had less of an impact on me. 

Ha-Neul spun the bottle out of nowhere as to make everyone forget what just happened and it landed to my left side in front of Areum. Again, a girls hug followed. Then the inevitable happened again and the bottle pointed towards me.  

I was scared to look at Areum, knowing what she might do. I could feel her getting closer, but all I wanted was to disappear. Then I felt her warm breath on my cheek as she spoke "Hoseok, I like you a lot. I've always had. Can you please look at me at tell me how you feel?"

I didn't want to. I thought about all the possible scenarios and none end well. When I didn't do as she asked, Areum cupped my face in her hands and pulled me in her direction, forcing me to give an answer. I could see in the corner of my eye how Hana wanted to stop her friend, knowing the denouement, but I already decided I had to end it before it would be too late. 

"I am sorry, I have nothing to say. I have no feelings for you more than friendship." I could see tears building up in her eyes and there was a throbbing pain in my chest. I felt miserable. 

"Why not? Am I that bad? Or do you love someone else?" she shouted through tears. Why did she have to make the situation more painful than it already was? 

"I don't even love myself, how can I love someone else?!" I snapped. I could feel all eyes on me and the pressure was too much for me to bear so I did the only thing that I was really good at, running away.