Show me the way

XVIII: Bonds

There were several ways to see the world. It all depended on perspective. Watching people live their life as they walked the streets of Konoha made Shizuka realise just how much his perspective had changed over the course of his life. As a child, he saw happiness that was denied to him, kindness that would never for him and warmth not meant for him. It was desperate and lonely, but back then he had felt strong and capable of handling it most of the time. After all, he did not know better back then. As an adolescent, he saw a world of opportunities, a way to make his own happiness and form bonds in new ways. That was cruelly crushed by the war. Now he sat atop the Hokage monument, his father's head, and pondered if his life had gained a new perspective again, or if his life even had any meaning at all.

Kakashi had fussed over him after the spar. Of course he had. The man cared for him and wanted Shizuka to be alright, but it wasn't necessary. His arm had already healed and even if it hadn't, it didn't matter. The other bruises were trivial as well, most already gone too.

He looked at the palm of his hand again, like so many times before today. It seemed more vague, but he wasn't sure. The sun on his palm. A reminder of times past. What would it mean if it disappeared? The symbolism alone would be heartbreaking to lose, but it felt like he was losing the connection to his loved ones and the disappearing of the sun on his hand was representing that.

He did not like the feeling that he was replacing his old bonds with new ones. He did not want to forget what he had had in his life. It felt bad, realising the more time he spend here, the less he thought about his life before. The past might painful, grievous and wronged, but that didn't mean he wanted to forget. He needed to remember, it was his life. At the same time, it healed his heart to form new bonds and the bonds he was forming now were truly different than what he had before, even though they were with the same people.

He felt a tear roll down his cheek and wiped it away vigorously, but it did not help. His grief was still raw and at moments it surfaced with all its intensity. He hated it. Life was cruel, because even if he changed things here, even if the future became better due to his meddling, his own life, his own future, had already been lost and would never be reality for him again. He was fake, a ghost, creating fake bonds with people he shouldn't know. He took time from people he had no right to take. Other than preventing the horrid future, he should have kept himself away from anybody and let their life unfold as they were supposed to, without him.

He heard footsteps behind him and took a deep breath to calm down. After another wipe of his face, he hid his hands like he always did, balled up this time to cover the sun. "Hey." Kakashi said, stepping up behind him. "You disappeared on me." Shizuka nodded.

"You know, I'm supposed to be the one who's late when we agree to meet." Maybe it was meant as funny, but the intent didn't reach Shizuka. Shizuka clenched his jaw and nodded again.

Kakashi sighed and stepped closer. "Shizuka... don't... don't isolate yourself like this. I don't want you to be alone when you're hurting." Shizuka nodded again, biting down on his tears. Kakashi was too kind, too understanding, too patient. Just too much.

Kakashi pulled his hair back, burying his fingers into it at the base of Shizuka's neck. "I'm here for you. Remember that." He said calmly.

Maybe Shizuka was too selfish, but even if this Kakashi should have never become a precious bond, he still wanted it to be and it already was. It was more than he deserved, but everything he needed. And it was unfair of him, taking what should never be his in the first place, but he also knew he couldn't survive anymore if he didn't accept it. It was too hard. Alone was too hard.

He turned around and clung to Kakashi. He didn't cry. Not full-out at least. Tears were streaming down his face, but he would not call it crying. It was releasing the negative energy that was eating away at him.

Again, Kakashi let him have the time he needed. How many times had Shizuka clung to him in tears already and every time Kakashi just let him have the time he needed, and the comfort he sought.

But why did Kakashi treat him like that? Kakashi didn't know him. How could he? He didn't even know the truth about Shizuka, where he came from and what had happened to him, his past. They had never had an actual conversation, and even though it never felt necessary, Shizuka felt like Kakashi deserved more than what he was, could be and had to give back.

"What happened? Why are you upset?" He asked. Shizuka wasn't ready to share his past life, not even with Kakashi. But he could share a fact and maybe that would make it easier to tell more on a later moment.

He took a deep breath as he pushed himself away from Kakashi to free his hands. 'It has been exactly one year today since I got this scar.' He pointed at his neck before dropping his hands again and averting his eyes. He didn't want to show the obvious hurt in his eyes to Kakashi. It was heartbreak, pure and simple, a broken bond that had been stronger than any other.

Kakashi was quiet for a moment. "You lost someone that day." It wasn't a question, but Shizuka still nodded to confirm.

'My brother.' He couldn't keep his eyes averted. He needed what Kakashi willingly gave, support and understanding. It had taken the start of a war to reconcile Sasuke and him, and the end of the war to tear them apart again. Now that a year had past he didn't feel like the hurt had lessened. The edges had softened a little, but it still cut deep. 'And my life.' He added. Kakashi looked confused but didn't press it. He probably already knew Shizuka would not divulge on the matter. It was rare enough to even get an answer at all.

Once again Sasuke's final words rang through his mind. "Stay alive. Make it right." He was doing that, but that didn't make it easy. And he realised there were times he struggled with the first part as much, if not more, than the second. But he clung to the words of his brother and turned it into strength. Along with Kakashi it was enough.

He turned to face Konoha again. His ears picked up words and bits of conversation a normal human would never be able to hear up here. They made the world sound alive, open and worthwhile. There were more reasons than last words to keep fighting. His own loss and grief, frustratingly real for him, were not of this time, and he had the power to make sure it was only him that suffered through his past.

There was, however, something he could do to vent his frustrations and work on the last request of Sasuke in the most direct way possible to him. It was time for him to start the Snake hunt.

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