Show me the way

XIV: Time away

Shizuka woke up alone. His mind lingered on the happenings of the morning. Kakashi came home. Moreover, he came to Shizuka immediately. A smile tugged at his lips, but it dropped quickly. Kakashi had probably gone home. Why wouldn't he? Five weeks away, and Shizuka fell asleep on him. He felt a strange kind of disappointment. Loneliness.

A wave of nausea hit him, forcing him to stagger to his feet and make his way to the bathroom with haste. His stomach was empty save for some bile, making the heaving painful.

Hands found their way into his hair and pulled it back for him. He glanced back to see Kakashi, and was surprised but grateful to find him still with him.

Shizuka sat back, leaning against the bathtub and just breathed for a while. Kakashi gave him water and started the shower for him. "Get yourself clean. I'll be around." He said and left Shizuka alone.

The cascading water almost hurt on his skin, but it did feel good to wash away the cold sweat.

When he left the bathroom, he smelled the cause of his sudden nausea. Kakashi must have been cooking, but unlike before, now it smelled enticing.

He stumbled to the kitchen and sat down with his head slumped on the table. It didn't take long for Kakashi to place a bowl of clear broth in front of him as he also sat down, watching Shizuka.

He didn't want to eat, afraid he would be sick again, but Kakashi's persistent gaze drove him to move. He grabbed the bowl, but only stared at it again. "My father used to make this when I was sick. I promise it'll make you feel better." Kakashi said, leaning his elbow on the table and his head on his hand.

With a deep breath he picked up the bowl and brought it to his lips, gratefull it was only half-full for otherwise his tremor would have caused him to spill the content.

The warm savoury liquid settled his stomach better than he expected. Kakashi had been right. It felt good to finally have something in his stomach again after almost two weeks and together with the shower he felt refreshed. Still sick, but at least clean and fed.

Kakashi placed a hand on his forehead. "You should go to sleep. You're burning up." Shizuka nodded, but didn't move. He closed his eyes and leaned against Kakashi's hand, relishing the cool feeling of it. "Come on." Kakashi pulled him to his feet and Shizuka let it happen, finding support with Kakashi he never knew before. Care for him.

A few days were past like that and Shizuka regained strength. Still he needed more to fully heal, but at least he no longer felt truly weakened. Kakashi seemed glad with his progress and decided to take Shizuka away. Just a few days, just the two of them. A small break, away from the village, in the rest and peacefulness of an onsen. He knew a small one that would give them the seclusion he sought.

If they had ran, it would have only been a few hours away, but they walked instead, taking most of a day, strewn with short breaks, to reach their destination. Shizuka's eyes widened before he smiled. The onsen was wrapped in high rocks, hidden from view save for the entrance. "I hope you like this." Kakashi said. "But it looks like you do." He added when he saw the smile.

They were the only patrons. The three other rooms sat empty, being out of season for this time of year, given them more privacy than expected.

The waters were warm and healing. Shizuka was in the water before Kakashi. As soon as the waters washed over him he sighed in relief and relaxed. He laid face down against a warm rock, propped out of the water till halfway down his back. Leaning his head on his arms, he all but drifted off to sleep within the warm comfort.

The splashing of water drew his attention, but knowing it to be Kakashi, Shizuka didn't look up. It didn't take long for Kakashi to sit next to him, facing the other way. It was silent, other than the moving waters and the rustling wind and for the first time in a very long time, Shizuka felt truly content in the moment. He felt happy.

He felt Kakashi glance at him, studying his skin that was above the water. He turned his head and opened one eye. Kakashi sat close. And without mask. Shizuka averted his gaze, feeling the heat settle on his face, hoping Kakashi didn't notice his reaction.

Kakashi turned to him and pulled the hair out of his face, and Shizuka turned his head to face him again, now a little more prepared for the sight presented to him. Kakashi smiled at him and he smiled back.

Kakashi's eyes drifted from his face to his arm. He was looking at a scar and, after a second of doubt, placed his hand on it, trailing over the outline of it with his thumb. Shizuka stiffened under his touch, but it didn't take long for him to relax once more. He did not mind Kakashi's touch.

He didn't remember the origin of that scar, somehow. Maybe it was because he gained too many in too short a time span. Maybe he had at some point chosen not to remember. It didn't matter. It was there. Among others.

Kakashi moved again, drifting to be behind him. One by one, Kakashi touched and outlined every scar above water until he was on the other side of Shizuka and Shizuka let him. He felt bare and vulnerable underneath Kakashi's touch and gaze, but didn't mind that as much as he thought he would. He might feel bare and vulnerable, but he also felt safe.

Memories of how he attained the scars popped into his mind, but didn't grasp at him as they normally did. He wondered why it would be so different now than any other time, but when he felt bare lips press against one of them, he was strongly reminded of the fact that it was Kakashi that brought him peace of mind. Ever since the first moment they met as Shizuka and Kakashi, Kakashi has had that effect on him, but Shizuka had never been able to place the reason why.

It took a lot not to flinch away from the sudden action, but that didn't stop him from turning a little to look at Kakashi a little shocked. He swallowed, not certain how to act or react to this, but also not wanting Kakashi to stop. Kakashi smiled a small smile at him and stroked the hair out of his face. "Is it alright?"

Shizuka, for a moment, was stunned he was being asked for permission to be touched, but nodded after a moment nonetheless. Kakashi nodded back and placed his hand against the scar on Shizuka's cheek. He followed the scar as it crossed Shizuka's throat, grimacing at the idea of the severity that would leave such a scar on such a delicate place. When his fingers traveled farther down, Shizuka turned so he could keep going, see it all. Nothing hidden. Not now, not this moment.

Kakashi stopped at the water's edge and looked up. "How far does it go?" He whispered, like he was afraid to take away from the moment by breaking the silence. Shizuka gave a pained look at the memory and stood up, stopping when the water was just short of his hip where the scar ended. Kakashi grimaced again, in empathy and sympathy.

Kakashi placed his hand on Shizuka's hip and moved his hand up. He was surprised to find the muscles underneath intact, strong and hard, flexing under his touch. He moved his hand across Shizuka's chest again, feeling the slightly elevated breath, before his hand softly landed on Shizuka's throat once again. "I wish I could hear your voice." He said in little more than a whisper. He really longed to hear Shizuka's voice. Even just once.

Shizuka lowered himself back into the water and moved back a bit. 'Me too.' He signed, and started slowly swimming backwards, away from Kakashi to the deeper end of the pool, but he never took his eyes off the man.

Kakashi waited a moment, afraid he touched a sensitive subject by stating his wish. He could see hurt on Shizuka's face, but not for what he said. It was for a shared wish that would never be fulfilled.

Kakashi followed and Shizuka kept slowly swimming back until his back was against the artificial half circular wall where the water flowed over into the next pool. The water pressed him against the wall. Kakashi placed his arms on either side of him to keep himself from being pushed against Shizuka.

For a moment they stared at each other, both stuck in a want for more, but not the courage to move. Kakashi was the first to move, raising a hand and gently brushing hair out of Shizuka's face again and leaned in slightly. Shizuka's cheeks burned at that, his breath slightly fast.

The colouring of his cheeks made Kakashi back up, looking worried. "Are you too hot? If you are, we should get out." He said concerned. Shizuka shook his head, but Kakashi backed away a little more anyway, giving him space to breath. "Let's go cool down anyway, just to be sure." He held out his hand for Shizuka, who grabbed it and let himself get pulled along.

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