Show me the way

VIII: First steps

Mornings were hard. Even when he did sleep. It was still too early to call it morning. The skies were still dark and the stars were still blazing in full glory. Shizuka walked through Konoha. His destination was a training field he knew wasn't used often. A little out of the way and a little inconveniently placed. With the forest on one side and a steam on the other, the field secluded itself from prying eyes.

He stood in the middle, focussing his mind before starting to move. He struck at invisible enemies, avoided non-existent dangers, dashed through imagined obstacles. It wasn't so much a training as it was a way to get himself to move. To get his blood pumping and his heart beating. One movement flowed into another. Years of training and fighting made the movements instinctual and natural.

At the same time it brought back memories. Of battle, of blood and of death. It added adrenaline, made him feel haunted and made the mock fight feel more real. 

He let his thoughts move him, taking in mistakes of the past and improving upon them. Too caught up in his mind, he didn't notice he had gained an audience shortly after dawn. Kakashi stood crossed armed and leaned against a birch, admiring the dedicated and practiced movement. 

The movements were testimony to the road travelled, Shizuka's past. Kakashi found himself wishing to spar, exchange blows and with that, experiences. He didn't want to break the other's concentration however, so he stood, watched and waited.

Another hour past, but it did not feel slow. Shizuka, noticing a presence, suddenly stopped and looked straight at Kakashi. For a second Kakashi thought he looked death in the eyes, but with a blink that was gone. All that was left were the tired eyes of the man he had spent the better part of two weeks with. 

He held up a hand and Kakashi returned the gesture. They met halfway. "Yo, Shizuka. Had any breakfast yet?" Shizuka shrugged, but a growl from his stomach answered more clearly for him. "I haven't taken you to this one place yet. Might as well for breakfast." Every day they had wandered Konoha together and not once had they eaten together yet. Somehow they had ended in the library every time, where Shizuka poured himself into the research of his final and fatal seal.

Shizuka didn't respond. For the last two weeks and during his travels before that he barely ate. During the war it was no different. He had learned to ignore his body's request for such trivialities. "My treat." Kakashi added and beckoned Shizuka to follow him with his head. 

Side by side they walked through familiar streets, in the direction of a familiar restaurant, Ichiraku's. Shizuka fought to control his breathing, not wanting the other to know his troubles. He didn't want to run into his younger self. He had actively worked to avoid that. A glimpse of orange was all he had seen so far. He cringed at the idea of his misguided fashion sense of his young self.

Kakashi sat down at the bar and Shizuka took the seat next to him. Ayame greeted them and gave them the menu. Shizuka took it, happy to have an excuse to keep his eyes away from the shop owners. "You know what you want?" Kakashi asked after a short while. Shizuka steeled his nerves for taking away the security of the menu and nodded, pointing at an item on the menu. Miso chashu ramen. The one thing he had always loved.

Kakashi finished his bowl within a second. Shizuka took small, careful bites and stopped when the bowl was half finished. Kakashi noticed. "You know, you should eat more." Shizuka nodded. He knew that. Of course he did. Tsunade and Sakura had told him often but he never had the stomach to eat much of anything ever since the war started. 

"Well, come on then, the Hokage wants to see us today." Kakashi paid and got up, followed by Shizuka. They strolled through the busy streets to the Hokage tower and this time took the normal route to the office. 

They greeted the old man and stood at attention. "Shizuka, after consideration I'd like to place you at the rank of Jounin and we will start your first mission soon. Kakashi will be joining you. Given the information you provided earlier, you will set out in two days to begin the first step. Consider this mission also your evaluation for being placed as Jounin." 

Shizuka felt excited. Finally. Finally it was time to right wrongs, to act on Sasuke's last words. He smirked. It wasn't just that. This mission was with Kakashi. A chance to fight side by side. To know each other on a new level, a new understanding. His gaze met Kakashi's, and Kakashi returned his smirk with a grin of his own, hidden in cloth.

Kakashi saw the determination burning in his eyes. It was a small glimpse into the depths of Shizuka. That was how Shizuka should be. That passion and determination was the epitome of the Will of Fire and it looked right on him.

The two days past agonzingly slow, even in the company of Kakashi. He was restless. He wantes to act, to begin the changes for a better future.

They travelled fast, pushed by Shizuka's need to act. At the end of the day, they stopped in a clearing. Kakashi was breathing hard. Not exhausted, but definitely in need of rest. Shizuka seemed not te be bothered by the travels done.

A tree provided a sheltered place with soft moss to cushion them. They sat next to each other and it did not take long for Kakashi to fall asleep, his weight against Shizuka's arm and his head on his shoulder. 

Shizuka held watch, but the silence and inability to move made him restless. He needed to do something, but the weight against him withheld him from doing anything. He wanted to fidget, do anything, but did not want to wake Kakashi.

After a while Kakashi shifted and ended up with his head in Shizuka's lap. He froze, uncertain what to do, not accustomed to the contact. It offered a little more freedom to move, though, and when Kakashi seemed to sleep through it, Shizuka relaxed again.

Looking around there was only grass within his reach, so he picked the long blades and weaved them together or pulled strips apart. It didn't do anything but pass the time. Kakashi didn't seem bothered by the movement, so Shizuka grew a little more bold. He cast a barrier to contain sound. With one blade of grass between his thumbs, he carefully blew a soft tune, watching for movement from Kakashi. The man was as heavy a sleeper as Shizuka remembered. The tune was simple, just finding the right tones and testing the blade of grass. 

As time went on his song got bolder, a little louder as he poured his emotions into it. He realised this was the first sound he had made since Madara cut into him. The first time he could be heard. It made him realise how much he missed his voice. It made his realise how alone he was. Isolated, unheard. His song became slow and low, melancholic with his current mood. When he first realised his voice was gone, he had accepted it as a part of his old self he should not have. Now, he missed the ability to express himself, to call out, to let himself be heard. To be acknowledged. It was part of him, anothing thing that was lost forever and he felt grieved for it in this moment. 

Kakashi shifted again to lie on his back. Shizuka glanced down and saw Kakashi had his eye open. He stared up at Shizuka and was completely relaxed. Shizuka didn't halt his song, but there was a change in it. It became stronger, almost happier, because he realised he was heard and he wasn't alone. Even without his voice, he was understood and cared for.

He played for another few minutes before letting the song die down. Kakashi raised his hand after Shizuka dropped his and wiped away a lonely tear Shizuka hadn't noticed. Kakashi's hand was soft as it caressed his cheek and Shizuka closed his eyes at the touch. The contact spoke so much more powerful than any words could ever and erased the grief he felt before.

After a while Kakashi sat up and pulled Shizuka's head into his lap. Shizuka flailed an arm and a leg and struggled a little. "Sleep, idiot." Kakashi chastised when Shizuka kept struggling to get back up. After that he settled down. He didn't sleep, but did relax enough to be close to sleep.

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