Romangst || A Sanders Sides One-Shot Compilation

House of Memories

Heyyyyy dudes! First off, I didn't expect this one-shot to be so long lol. That's why the title mostly fits with the first bit, and not the rest. But I like the title, so we're keeping it. (yes, I thought of this while listening to Panic! At The Disco and I won't apologize)

Thanks for all being such cool people, also! I know my last oneshot wasn't... the kind of thing I usually post. I'm working shit out, etc. etc. Don't worry about me! Lol.

Worry about Roman. Because this chapter... this chapter is A Lot.

Warnings: attempted suicide, suicidal ideation, unintentional Unsympathetic Patton (he's just v upset and confused and yeah), food mentions, self-hatred, feeling numb, POF spoilers.... and I think that's about it. Lol.

Enjoy!

Roman smiled sadly, waving his hand to restart the scene around him. It was the first Sanders Sides episode. Everyone had been so excited... Thomas had been so excited. They'd all worked so hard, Roman had spent so long talking over the script with him.

Back then, they'd had no idea what it would do. How big the series would become... how much of their emotions and drama would be shown.

Roman frowned, skipping forward a bit to the first appearance of Virgil. Oh, stormcloud. He'd really gone for it, back then. Roman hated to admit he'd disliked the other, but suggesting he be a villain? Virgil had eaten it up!

Until... the memories - on screen and off - rushed past Roman until he landed on the end of season one. He ducked out. It had become too much, oh... how he regretted not realizing that Virgil had more to offer than the antagonist. He wasn't the emotions guy... he wasn't the smart guy, how could he have realized? Perhaps... no. Roman skipped forward to the christmas song. He'd beaten himself up enough about the way he treated Virgil.

Ah, how much fun he'd had working with Thomas and Joan, creating this world and this story. So many people enjoyed it - they made fanart and costumes and stories of their own - it was all Roman could have ever wanted. And oh, he wanted.

How much he regretted, quips and remarks and blatant insults. He'd kept Thomas from even knowing about Remus - until an episode had to be made about it. He'd let Deceit - Janus, actually - take over the story and twist it and make everyone feel awful and it had been in the script. They'd known it would happen but... still. Roman felt so incredibly tired, and used.

He paused the most recent memory - off camera as it was. He really only had access to his own memories, or the episodes that he'd helped to film and edit and write. He wasn't sure how long he'd been here, in the memory banks, but he didn't really care.

It wouldn't affect Thomas in any way, if he stayed in here forever.

The last memory Roman had access to was one of him ducking out, as they'd put it. Taking himself out of the equation.

It was for awful, selfish reasons.

He was... tired. He didn't want to do this - he couldn't do this. Not anymore. Not after he'd made so many outrageous mistakes. He'd shifted creative control onto his brother - giving him access to everything he needed to be what the others required.

Part of him felt bad, leaving Remus to fill his shoes. But, in all honesty, Remus would probably do better than he could have. He was always better at understanding the shades of morality, which the show had recently begun to explore in earnest.

Roman didn't understand. His argument had been scripted, yes, but it was true. As was Virgil's pain when he revealed his past, and Janus's vulnerability in sharing his name.