Romangst || A Sanders Sides One-Shot Compilation

Today Last Year

This isn't a request, just a little angsty drabble I wanted to write because I've been procrastinating homework all morning hahahahahahahahahelpmehahahahahaha

SOOO YEAH!!

Warnings(?): self-deprecation, self-hatred, arguments, sadness, breakups, unrequited love (?), hopeless thinking

what a party that is 

It was cold and late, and a single figure was walking along the snowy street. His hands were stuffed in the pockets of his coat, and he was staring at the ground. Despite this, the person didn't see the patch of ice before him and slipped, headphones slipping down around his neck as he hit the ground. He groaned, picking himself back up, making sure he didn't drop anything. He really hated today.

Roman pulled the headphones up to cover his ears, both to protect from the cold and to hear the music still playing. He'd promised himself he wouldn't listen - not to this playlist. Not today. Yet here he was, walking home from another late rehearsal - alone.

Of course, alone.

Tears welled up in his eyes, burning his face but quickly growing cold in the winter air.

He'd been alone ever since today a year ago.

A new song started and Roman let a wistful smile cross his face, recalling the first time he'd sung the song with an audience. Virgil had listened with rapt attention, a rare smile crossing his face until Roman finished, when he wrapped him in a hug. It was the first of many songs Roman would sing. The first of many hugs he would receive from the man he'd fallen hopelessly in love with.

If only it had lasted.

Roman reached up, scrubbing the frozen tears from his face. He really shouldn't be listening to this playlist. It would only make today worse - it made every day worse but today was different. Today reminded him of everything he'd done wrong. Today was the day that he lost everything he had ever cared about - and it was all his fault.

He'd tried his best. He'd tried so hard to keep them together. He'd listened to Virgil rant and rage. Let him cry on his shoulder. Let him vent all his insecurities and anger out and he would comfort him and hug him and he loved him. But Virgil... didn't love him back.

It was obvious, a month or so before today last year.

Virgil was growing tired of trying. He was tired of Roman - and Roman knew it. He tried everything. Everything he could think of. But it didn't matter.

Of course, the two of them couldn't talk it out and split like normal people. They were too fucking dramatic for that. Roman hated it.

Harsh shouts, aimed at the heart and intended to wound, were thrown around the apartment today last year. Desperate apologies, tears of grief and pain, had surrounded Roman today last year. Virgil had had enough, he claimed. Enough of Roman's stupid romantic gestures, of his loud laugh and midnight snacking. Virgil had laid everything about Roman that he didn't like out on the table, today last year. Roman let him. Of course, he did. He loved Virgil more than he'd loved anything else in his entire life. He just didn't understand what he'd done wrong.

So Virgil told him.

He was loud.

He was obnoxious.

He was dramatic.

He flirted with too many other people.

He wasn't realistic.

He didn't have a 'real job'.

He wasn't good enough.

Virgil had said it, chest heaving, as he stared daggers into Roman's eyes.

Roman wasn't good enough.

He never had been, and he never would be.

Roman pressed a hand over his mouth now, as songs played through his mind behind the memories. Songs he'd sung to Virgil, songs they'd sung together, songs that they both liked. Every song he'd ever associated with Virgil, on one playlist he knew he should just get rid of.

But he couldn't.

Today last year, Roman's heart had been shattered. Ground into dust and scattered in the wind. Today last year, Virgil had packed his things and left, promising that Roman would never see him again. Today last year, Roman knew he would never again find anyone who he loved as much as he loved Virgil.

Today last year, Roman had discovered that he would never find anyone that loved him.

He knew it, and he had for an entire 365 days.

But here he was, a grown man, crying as he walked home in the dark and cold.

A deep burning hatred for himself rose up, and he wondered why he had failed so horribly that he was this impossible to care for.

Virgil was right. He knew Virgil was right. He was obnoxious and loud, and pathetic. He should just move on. He should give up on love and focus on work.

And he did, most days.

But not today.

Oh goodness, he couldn't do anything today but go through the motions.

Because today last year, Roman had broken.

And today next year, he knew he still would be.

After all, what was the point in even trying to fix something that no one would ever want to have?

and there goes the last of my happy emotionS! Sorry, this is so short - I swear I'm working on some other stuff for y'all!!

Thanks for reading and don't be shy to yeet a request on my request chapter!

Love you all,

-Coby