Romangst || A Sanders Sides One-Shot Compilation

The Actor

Hey, Y'all! First off, this one is for happysadpat who gave me this awesome request! Lemme tell ya, my Beta Reader was about ready to kill me after they read it. :D

Another thing, I've changed my username to the pen name I'llbe using on any published books I ever put out, just to keep things organized.

Also, TRIGGER WARNINGS! Self Harm, Self Deprecation, Suicide. BE SAFE ALL YOU WONDERFUL HUMANS (and humanoids alike)

Roman was glad he was an actor. They were all technically actors, being part of Thomas who was an actor, but he was more of an actor than any of the others. At least, from what he knew. For all Roman knew, Logan could be the most emotional of all of them and simply trolling them all by pretending to be emotionless. Maybe Virgil hated MCR, and maybe Patton was allergic to chocolate as well as cats. But if Roman couldn't be sure about any of them, it made sense that they wouldn't know everything about him. And they didn't.

They didn't know what he hid beneath his prince costume. They didn't know how much he hated everything about himself, even when they told him how amazing they thought he was. Especially then. Because Roman knew they were lying, they had to be lying. He wasn't perfect, and nothing about him was good enough to make up for that.

They don't know that he's only happy when they're smiling. When a deep jealous pain wedges itself deep inside him because he knows. He knows that he'll never be as happy as they are, but they don't know. They can't know. He's too good of an actor for them to know.

Roman sighed deeply, staring sadly into the mirror. He gripped the sink tightly, staring as blood ran down his arms - bare only because he was alone and the door was locked - from cuts just below his shoulders. It was safer there, where there was no way the sleeves would slip down and show what he'd done. He stared at it for quite a while, then pulled some toilet paper from the roll and dried the blood.

He pulled on his shirt before it welled up again, glad he'd managed to waterproof, and therefore blood proof, his sleeves. Then, after checking his reflection and snapping his fingers so the bloody tissues and tear stains disappeared, Roman unlocked the door and went out into the commons.

He was actually quite proud of the small house he'd made for them in Thomas's mind palace, it made everything seem more real. That was also why he hated it, almost as much as himself. He could still feel the stinging pain on his upper arms, and the tightening around his heart as he thought about the others.

"Roman!" Patton seemed to materialize behind him and wrapped Roman in a hug. Roman hid the wince as a laugh when Patton made the cuts on his arms sting.

"Hey, Padre, what's up?"

"I was looking for you!" Patton declared, skipping around to face him.

"Here I am." Roman spread his hands, discreetly glancing at his arm. Luckily, just as always, no blood leaked through. Last time it had, he'd made up a story about the dragon-witch. But he hadn't gone to the imagination today, he couldn't afford too many risky lies. Patton beamed at him, and Roman felt another pang of jealousy.

"We're gonna have a movie night!" he declared. "Virgil's even coming, but Logan said he didn't want to, and I figured you could get him!" he grabbed Roman's hand and they started toward Logan's room. It was really more of a library, but that was how Logan wanted it. "Please?"

"What makes you think he'll listen to me?" Roman asked.

"Because you're the best!" Patton said, grinning adorably. Roman smiled sadly, glad that Patton didn't seem to tell. Of course, Patton said that. He said many things, this one just wasn't true.