rainbows

thirty three

All I've been doing these days is think and I've come to the conclusion I can't do anything to change it. Whatever happened, it happened. I need to try again and leave this stupid town when spring comes. It's still hard for me, knowing that I didn't get the chance to do it now but I can't waste more time thinking about what could've happened instead of trying to make it happen.

I'm in a better mood today. Maybe I'll go out and do something. I turn the shower off, wrapping the towel around my body I leave. My phone sits in the corner of the room, plugging it for charging I take out my favourite pair of sweats. As I look in the mirror, I love how my blue hair looks. The black colour of my clothes complements it.

I make an effort to get ready this time. Maybe I'll get some ice cream, even talk to Ryan and chase, maybe even Lexi. Ten minutes later I'm looking good, my hair down my shoulder with light makeup on my face. I feel light. My mind doesn't hurt.

I switch on my phone, it immediately starts buzzing again and again. I look at the date and curse.

Fuck.
How can I forget?
It's my eighteenth birthday.
Stupid Alyssa.

But what gains most of my attention are the fifty-seven missed calls and twenty-six messages from Ryan.

What the fuck?

What happened?

Then it happens.

Lexi shouting "Alyssa! Open the goddamn door or I'll break it. It's really important."

"Please." Her voice breaking at the last word.

I sprint off to the door opening it,  what is going on?

She immediately pulls me into a hug, sobbing her eyes out.
"Lexi, are you okay?" I ask gulping down the bile forming in my throat.

"It's," she shakes her head "It's,"

"It's?" I move my hands up and down her hair.

"It's Ryan's." She sobs. My body freezes. What? Ryan? What happened to him?

The phone calls and messages come to my mind.
Fuck what happened to him?

"What about him?" I ask, my voice cracking.
I send a silent prayer it's not something I think it is.

"His dad." She says her shoulders shaking so bad as if I'm in an earthquake.

"What about him?" I ask, at least nothing happened to Ryan.

"He died." She says the last word and falls apart into my arms. My breath hitches.

WHAT THE FUCK?
Ryan's dad?
His dad?

I take in a deep breath.
My hands are shaking. The floor sways beneath my feet. I can't find my voice. My eyes burn, a vision so blur. The guilty feeling swims in my stomach.

When I don't speak for a while Lexi pulls away looking at me. Her ocean-blue eyes full of red storms look into mine but all I see are the ones I've been looking at for the last few weeks. Eyes like the black hole, pulling me towards them, swallowing me in the darkness.

"Al." She softly says but I put my hand up in the air
"I need time," I say like every time before shutting the door at her face.

Things happen so fast.
My phone is in my hand. The next moment it's against the wall, making a big crashing sound as it falls onto the floor sliding from the wall.
Books are in my hand. The next moment they're on the floor.
There is a loud banging on the door. The next moment I can't differentiate between it and my screams.

Why?
Why?
Why?

The alcohol bottle is in my hand. The next moment my throat is burning with all the liquid.
I slide onto the floor, a burning sensation in my back because of the wall.

I tug at my hair, Why? How? Why? How? Why didn't he tell me? Did they know? Or did it happened out of nowhere?

I dig my nails in my thighs as I sit there on the floor staring at the wall on the opposite side.

My minds not stable. Hell, it hasn't been for a few days now.

It feels like a pull. A small tug making me lose all my sanity. That was all needed. A pull to make me reach my limit. This is it. This is the last shred. I'm going insane, I've been going since the day I met Ryan in front of that darn library and the only person who I could count on is the reason why.

I take a swig from the bottle beside me.

Happy fucking eighteen birthday Alyssa Green.