rainbows

twenty three

The one time dad woke me up in the middle of the night to take Lexi to the hospital all we heard the whole time was her cries. Mom was sitting beside her all the time consoling her. I barely glanced at them. It was devastating for me, I covered my ears with my palms and tried to sleep in the car.

The moment we stepped inside the hospital the first thing she did was stop crying. The whole time she didn't give a single reaction, the nurse injected her, they took her away to a room full of strangers and she didn't cry. I hated it. She was a baby she was supposed to cry but she didn't.

I hated it so much I walked away from her room to somewhere empty and sat there. Nobody came looking for me and I spent my night in a hospital lobby, alone, eyes full of tears, as if I were shedding them on her behalf.

It's been years and I haven't seen her cry since that night, or she doesn't cry anymore. It's hard to tell and it's harder to stare at a sobbing Lexi in front of me sitting on the stairs outside the house without any clue what to do.

I look at the house for something but it's dark. The lights are turned off signalling nobody's inside. I sit beside her. She eyes me but doesn't say anything. She's waiting for me to speak up but I have nothing to say. What do you do in such situations? Should I ask her what happened or something?

I look at her and she gulps looking at the sky.

"What happened?" I ask carefully.

"Got stood up." She shrugs. Okay, what am I supposed to do now? It's nothing. She got stood up it's normal. It's nothing to cry about.

I snort at her comment "That's it? You were crying because some guy stood you up? What are you? Five? Crying over boys?"

She scoffs at my reply and stands up "Fuck You, Alyssa." Holding up her middle finger in the air she takes out the keys from under the mat and shuts the door with a loud bang on her way in.

She's definitely five. Why would someone cry over a boy? I huff looking up at the sky. Today's been draining enough for me I can't go behind her and listen to all her drama.

I sit in the dark silence for a few minutes trying to grasp the activities of today. I haven't been so open with somebody for a long time, more like for my whole life. It actually felt comforting to tell a soul about something. What am I even talking about? I shake my head and start to move inside.

Lexi isn't anywhere, I grab a slice of pizza from the fridge and walk to my room. I'm exhausted as fuck. Her room is shut so I quietly walk towards mine and shut it.

Switching off my phone I eat my pizza and change to get some sleep. As I close my eyes and drift off to sleep all I can hear ringing in my ears are the words Ryan spoke.

                                  ~                   ~

Someone has glued my lips, I can't seem to open them. There's a weird taste in my mouth. One I can't seem to get rid off. I bring my fingers to my face, my lips are chapped and dehydrated.

My eyes won't open, I look for my phone but I can't find it, my throat hurts. I remove the sheet above me it's so hot in here. I sit up and open my eyes. Only the left one opens, the right one's still heavy. I locate my phone on the other side of the room.

My gaze shifts to the alarm clock sitting on the table, it's seven in the morning. Great. Now I have to kill my time, AGAIN.

An urge to drink water hits me badly and I immediately leave my bed and walk towards the bathroom to brush my teeth. My chapped lips are of a shade of dark pink, I splash water to open my right eye. Opening the cupboard above the sink I take out my toothbrush and paste.

Ten minutes and I've brushed and drunk water I feel good. I don't know what they say about the other drinks but water is the best. You can't find anything more satisfying than water. The feeling you get drinking it after a long ass time is something incomparable.

I don't feel like showering right now, the waters really cold. I switch on my phone and try to distract myself but I can't. Ryan's words are stuck inside my head. Somewhere I know he's right but I'm just too stubborn to agree.

I kill a whole forty-seven minutes on my phone. The thought of Lexi comes to me and before I know I'm knocking on her door. She's probably awake. A soft yes coming from the other side of the door tells me I'm right.

I open her door and walk inside. She's on her bed hiding inside the comforter. I hear a sniffling sound and I roll my eyes.

"What?" She coughs. Her eyes are red.

"Why the fuck are you crying over boys?" I ask with a groan.

"Because he stood me up!" She wails.

"Yeah so?"  I question

"So? Seriously Alyssa? So?" She scoffs.

"There are bigger problems than yours in the world. Stop sulking over a dude. Get your shit together." I say to which she laughs. She laughs.

"Get your shit together." She mimics me rolling her eyes "Look who's saying. You" She points a finger at me "get your shit together."

"Cool," I say and stand up. I wasn't expecting this. She needs to stop being a baby and goddamn grow.

"Yeah cool, Alyssa. Go walk out of the door. Because that's what you do. Always. And what problems do you have?" She questions. By the time I turn around to look at her I'm fuming. How dare she!

"I have a lot of problems that I don't talk about. I'm sorry if you think my problems are negligent because they aren't guy problems or revolve around the gender I'm attracted too!" I shout at her. I don't care if I wake dad and mom up. I can't just sit here and listen to her talk bullshit about me.

I can see her controlling the tears from spilling but I couldn't care any less. She can cry as much as she likes for that stupid guy from school. She gets up from the bed and walks towards me.

"I never said your problems were any less than mine.   I don't even say anything to you, I don't push you, I don't make you feel inferior because of your feelings and I certainly don't laugh at your state." She says looking me in the eye.

"And just so you know I can have problems and be sad and somebody else can have problems totally different than mine and be sad. You don't have to justify your sadness. If I'm sad I'm sad. You can't compare my sadness to somebody else's just how I can't compare yours to somebody else!" She takes a deep breath and turns around walking towards her bed.

"Fuck you, Alyssa. Not everything is about you and your problems and it's high time you accepted it." She says and gets in her bed "Now get out." Whispering the last words she goes to sleep and just like yesterday I hate that somewhere she's right but you know what fuck her, fuck Ryan, fuck mom and dad, fuck everybody. I don't care about anyone.

I slam the door behind me and walk to my room. Fucking stupid ass moron. How is getting stood up on a date anything like not getting into the college you've wanted since you were child?! How is that even comparable, she's naive if she thinks our problems are the same because they so aren't.

I have it so bad and it's high time people around me understand that.