rainbows

thirty three

My mind is heavy but my body is floating. I feel lifeless but my bones are full of powder. I can't differentiate between my dreams and reality, they've been moulded into one giant blur photograph.
I've been like this for two or three days. I refuse to leave my room.

The first day I woke up I cried, I don't know what came over me to take those pills in such a big amount. Luckily they were expired, and Xanax doesn't have any side effect.
I could've been in a coma or even death if it weren't for it.
I don't know who or even why we had them in the house but somehow I didn't seem to care.
Mom knocked and shouted but I drowned myself in music.
Lexi banged the door so hard I thought it would break but it didn't.
I told her I'm okay I need some time. She said okay.
I laid on the bed for the whole day. My phone switched off.
Just me my thoughts and alcohol.

The second day I laid on the bed whole day contemplating whether to leave it or not.
Mom asked me to come out and I denied. I haven't heard from her since then.
Lexi came up to check on me a few times, I told her the same thing as yesterday.
I still can't believe she pulled something like that on me.
And dad? Well, I haven't heard from him since that night.
I don't even expect him to be here.
And Ryan? My phone is switched off for the last two days and even he didn't seem to care. Not that I mind. I don't want any company.

With everyone gone I've been going to the kitchen to eat. Only Doris knows about it. The first day I went to take some food, she didn't ask me what was wrong, just hugged me, and I stood there, my hands at my sides, body stiff as a statue. I didn't know how to react.

Today is day three, everybody is out at Lexi's shitty show. My birthday's tomorrow, I'll be turning eighteen, practically an adult with a messy life. It seems like a huge responsibility, I haven't figured out my life, and with me not getting into any college, it's 10x harder.

Oh if they aren't the problems I tried to avoid by sleeping.

Honestly, I might just sleep, at least I'm not being a disappointment during that specific part of the day.
I glance at the clock, twenty-three minutes to twelve. Well, might just sleep and lay here for the rest of the day or week or month.

Happy birthday to me.

***

"Alyssa!!" There's a loud banging at my door.
Ugh.
I open my left eye, the clock gaining my attention, for fucks sake it's just eleven in the morning.

"Fuck off Lexi," I shout hiding my face in the sheets.
Go away, please. I whisper more to myself than her before breaking down.

***

I open my eyes, my stomach rumbles, signalling I'm hungry. It's six in the evening, shit, how?? I don't know how I slept for so long, but then lately all I've done is sleep.

I gently stand up, my mouth dry and stains from the tears of last night covering my face. My mind is fuzzy, the alcohol bottles litter at my feet, I push them away, a book falls on the floor, skidding a few feet before landing on my feet. I pick it up gently, a light chuckle leaves my mouth when I realise it's the same book I took from the library.

I gently place it on the bookshelf before walking inside to take a shower. I don't remember the last time I showered, sniffing my body I gag when a foul smell meets my nostrils. Time passes by as I take my sweet time trying to brush off the last few days.