rainbows

thirty four

Muffled voices surround me. I blink adjusting to the lightning.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, my voice hoarse to Lexi.

"Just sitting." She shrugs giving me a sad smile. And then it hits me.

The happenings of yesterday.
No, no-no-no.

I violently shake my head.

"Al." She says putting her hand on my arm.

"Leave," I say to her. The sick feeling in my stomach growing. I didn't eat yesterday I realise.

"Al." She presses, I immediately shove her aside as I dart to the bathroom. Spilling the contents of my stomach. Footsteps of Lexi reach to my ears as she pulls my head away from my face, holding it back.

Tears sting my eyes as I throw my guts out.
Tears for Ryan.
Tears for his dad.
Tears for me.
Tears for this life.

I don't know how long I sit on the bathroom floor, staring at the same pattern drawn on the single tile in front of me after throwing up but it's when Lexi nudges my shoulder I come back to reality.

"How?" I timidly ask, bringing up my legs to my chest. Breathing in short breaths.

"He had cancer." She says, eyes full of sadness and sympathy.

What?

"Wait-" I whip my head towards her "Cancer? What?"

"Yeah." She nods.

"But he-" I start to say when it hits me.

His coming back to the house.
Ryan saying it was a last-minute thing.
He was there that day because of his cancer.
His coughing.
Their dinner.

Oh my god, the dinner.
I ruined one of the last family dinners.

Tears come so hard I can't stop it. I frantically wipe them as I nod signalling her I'm okay. But I'm not. I don't know if I will. The guilt is crawling on my skin, I can feel it. It's sickening. He'll never get to have him back.

"Have you ever thought how at some moment only seconds of our life will be left?" He asks pushing himself up on his elbows. His hair all over his face.

"What?" I look at him.

"One day only seconds of our life will be left. In a matter of second, we'll be dead."

"Okay." I respond "Where is this coming from?"

"I don't know just thought about it." He shrugs lying himself down again.

Shit. Fuck Ryan. I'm so sorry. I put my head on Lexi's shoulder as I cry.

"How did you got to know?" I ask. Did Ryan call her?

"I bumped into a friend of his, I think his name was chase or something." She says.

Oh.

I hate this so much. I hate myself so much.

Tears don't stop coming,
The guilt doesn't stop seeping,
The pain doesn't stop,
Maybe it'll be here forever,
Maybe I deserve it.
Because I've been a bitch. That's all I've ever been to. A bitch to my mother, father, my sister and even Ryan. A bitch to people in my school. And now life is taking revenge. Karma is catching up to me.

***
I spill the contents of my stomach once again. I've vomited five times since yesterday. It's just too much. I can't even think about what is going on with Ryan. But it isn't in me, I can't go, the guilt is too much for me. Everything going on right now is too much.

I thought of calling him but turns out I didn't leave anything off my phone. There are cracks everywhere and the screen is smashed so bad.

Today's the funeral. I know because Lexi told me. And no I'm not going.
I just can't.

It's two in the afternoon right now. I look in the mirror as I wash my face. My cheeks are hollowed, my eyes look so lifeless, I look tired.

I sigh closing the door behind me. I take in my room, this place is a mess, this place is suffocating me. I take a deep breath opening my closet, I need to get out of here. All my demons reside here.

I hastily change into my clothes and leave. Doris is cooking when I step into the kitchen.

"Alyssa." She says looking at my state. I ignore her, I know what's coming, Lexi told her about Ryan's dad. I don't want anyone to lecture me, I don't want to talk to anyone, I need to get away from here, from Ryan, from my thoughts, from everything.

"Alyssa look at me." She says as I drink water.

"Alyssa!" She shouts startling me, causing me to drop the glass.

"What?!" I ask her raising my voice. This isn't the right time she needs to know it.

"Don't you dare raise my voice at me I'm not your mother." She states firmly, eyes full of fury.

Okay, I need to admit. I'm a little afraid of her. Especially when she's like this.

"Fine, What is it?" I spat at her.

"I know about that guy," she starts "one that came to our house the other day, his father died Alyssa."

I close my eyes, my hands in a fist as she speaks the last line. I still can't believe it happened. It feels like a nightmare. I don't say anything, I just stand there.

"You're not going to the funeral?" She asks softly.

"No." I shake my head.

"Why?"

"I can't Doris," I shake my head "I just can't."

"Alyssa, you can." She puts her hand on my shoulders "You need to." She pushes.

"No." I sniffle "You don't know Doris, the guilt," I breathe in "It's eating me up."

"Alyssa." She starts but I'm already leaving the kitchen. I can't do this. Can't they just accept it? It's too much for me.

"Alyssa honey," she says and something about her voice makes me stop in my tracks "Always remember, sometimes the strong need the saving too." She whispers softly "Rest, I have faith you'll do what's right." She gives me a sad smile before moving away from my sight.

I stand in my spot, staring at the place she was standing a few seconds ago as her words replay in my mind again and again.

Sometimes the strong need the saving too.