rainbows

twenty eight

I know by the look on Chase's face that this is going to be a long discussion and it's better if I leave. I don't feel great. I stand up when chase puts his hand on my shoulder "You." He says with an accusing tone.

"Me," I say in a clipped voice rolling my eyes looking at him. "Yes me? What? Me what?" I can't handle any of his bullshit right now. I need to get home. Clear my head out. It's been a tiring day.

"Why didn't you pick my phone up in the morning?" He asks. Wait. It was him? Why was he even calling me?

"I don't pick up calls by unknown people." I shrug. It makes sense now. Why Ryan was asking me, but why? What did he want to talk to me about? I want to know. I'm going to go nuts by all this overthinking. Ugh. I pick up my things and start to go when Ryan's voice stops me.

"You okay?" He asks I turn around to see him shaking his head "You know what, that isn't even a right question. Will you be okay?"

Chase looks between us but doesn't ask anything.

I try to process his words, I don't know, will I be? No. I shrug in response. The air is getting thicker, I can't breathe. I want out.
Without saying any other word I run out of the library and keep on running.
A few people glance in my direction, I think but I don't give a fuck about them. My hair is all over my face, I probably look like a madman but I couldn't care less.

I keep on running until I walk inside the house. Walking inside the kitchen I open the refrigerator gulping down two bottles of water. Doris keeps on staring at me the whole time as if I've grown a second head.

"What?" I spat at her. I'm in no mood of talking or anything, I can rip somebody's head off. As if someone wants to test my patience Lexi walks in glaring in my direction.

"Don't listen to her Doris." She says pouring juice in her glass.

"Don't listen to her Doris." I mock her slamming the bottle and going to my room.

"Fuck you, Alyssa. Go cry in your room or something." She screams behind me.
How dare she!?
"Oh Shutup, nobody even likes you." I point my finger at her.

"You're the one to talk." She crosses her arms over her chest. There's a ping on my phone, I immediately look at it hoping for Ryan or even Chase. Coming here feels like a bad decision. I open it but when I see what it is, it feels like everything has come crashing down on me.
As if my life is a joke.
Lexi sniggers in distance indicating she won this fight.

"I-I-" I try to come up with something but all I see is black, I can feel the floor swaying underneath me. What's happening? All I see is Doris whispering something to Lexi and her nodding as she eyes me one more time before walking towards her room. My palms are sweaty, they are never sweaty. What is happening? I want to scream but I can't find my voice. The room feels so small, I feel so small, I can't breathe. The ticking of the clock continuously rings in my head. I see black in front of me. I gulp as I steady myself.

Just till your room Alyssa. Walk. I remind myself.
I open my mouth to inhale, taking a deep breath I sprint for my room. The moment I fall on my bed, an inhuman noise leaves my mouth and then everything goes black.

                                     **********   

My throat is dry. My eyes are heavy. My hands feel lifeless, I can't find the energy to move them. I try to make sense of my surroundings but I can't, I try to make sense of me but I can't. All I want to do is fall asleep again. I wish I could pause real life. But I can't, so I fall into the darkness because what's better than some darkness? At least I have someone, even if it's the ghosts with me, unlike real life.