rainbows

fifteen

Silence is defined as the complete absence of sound, not with me though, the sound of nails being eaten anxiously can be heard as I sit on the ledge with Lexi, her hands are neatly placed on her lap with her feet dangling. I move and try to look down, the site makes me queasy, my head starts to spin and I immediately back away. A half-smile crosses her face.

"So...why are we here?" I ask breaking the no-speaking streak I've been maintaining for three days but the sooner we leave this rooftop the better.

"What's going on with you, Al?" She politely asks

"Nothing." I roll my eyes, spitting the nail that accidentally entered my mouth.

She scrunches her nose, "Then why are you practising your silent streak again?" I jerk my head in her direction the moment she speaks up.
I started the no-speaking streak a few years ago. I've had a bad day at school, everybody was pushing me to speak up about what had happened. So I did the only thing that felt right, I stopped speaking. For the first few days, everybody tried to talk to me, eventually, they gave up. I didn't talk to anyone for days. It was the only time anyone even notice it. The other times I did it nobody noticed it until right now. I don't know how Lexi even knows about it.

I don't know have any reasonable explanation for my actions, in my defence I never have it. I do the only thing I can think of, I shrug and go back to fidgeting my fingers.

"Okay." she huffs but I know she's not letting it go. In her mind, she'll keep on thinking about this. I start to stand up when she places her hand onto my shoulder "Wait." Cautiously I turn around and sit down in my previous position.

She remains quiet, I arch my eyebrows.

"Umm..." I've never seen Lexi nervous. " I—I have a date." She gives me a clenched smile.

"Okay?" I ask. What does it have to do with me?

"Aren't you surprised?" She asks, probably not the reaction she expected.

I look at Lexi. Her eyes blue as the ocean are looking at me. She's pretty, artistic and lean. I can't seem to think of anything that's wrong with her.

"No" I reply

"Why?"

"Shutup," I say with a hint of annoyance in my voice.

"It's tomorrow. He's a nice guy. We're in the same class." She informs me. I didn't ask any of it.

"Okay." I roll my eyes. Putting a hand on my shoulder she pushes me down to get support, I immediately grab the wall beneath us to steady myself. She leaves and I flip back onto the roof. The hit hurts but getting injured by the floor seems like a better option than in mid-air.

The sky's clear blue, the sun's shining but not a single bird or cloud is in sight. Yesterday it rained, the weather's been weird lately. Not even a garbage truck can be seen, I'm all alone, again. Lexi's going on a date, I half-smile and keep on staring at the sky wondering what it would feel like to go on an actual date with someone. What if I never go on an actual date? The thought creeps into my mind making me sick. Suddenly everything starts piling in my brain and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I can feel my heart racing and the fact I'm on a roof isn't helping.

I immediately get up and blast music from my earphones to calm myself. There's no ice cream in the fridge, scoffing I leave the house.

A tint of blue catches my eye, I look to my left, it's Ryan's bicycle. I take a note to return him back, soon, not now.

I scoff looking at the building standing in front of me. I don't know why I came here, I just kept on walking and my legs brought me here. It makes me cringe inside I ended up at a place I went to with Ryan but I'm glad I came here.

My hair gets stuck on my lips as I push open the door. Removing it I scan the place to make sure some certain person isn't here.

The boy taking my order smiles at me but I just roll my eyes, he keeps on staring, I know I look like a mess. I haven't slept in three days, dark circles all around my eyes but staring and making me cautious is just rude. I cough and he snaps out of it. I choose the corner most seat to sit. I momentarily smile remembering Ryan and I here, a few days ago and then smack my head not a moment later for being stupid.

The skin around my nails is coming out because of my habit of picking them. The boy hands me over my ice cream and leaves. I'm alone, again. It's been like this since forever but suddenly it doesn't feel nice as it used to, I...I feel..feel..suffocated in my body. It's been three days since I left Ryan on that empty road. He hasn't even tried to message or call. But it isn't his fault, no matter how many times I say this or try to convince myself I know I did it again. I can't make friends in this shit hole of a town. I've been wanting to leave since I was born. I want to go to college.

The bowl gets empty in a few. My stomach's bulging out, I look at it then at the ice cream. I haven't eaten properly in days. I've only been taking one meal per day but it isn't working for my body. I'm not getting thin. One bowl won't hurt I think to myself and order again.

I don't know how but I manage to eat a few more. Burping I lean back and sigh. Somebody coughs and I look up, a pair of black eyes are staring me. I squint my eyes and burp again. SHIT. Déjà vu? I immediately start to drink water to hide my embarrassment. Why did I just burp? Gradually I look up and his crooked teeth are on display. It's been three days but his hair has grown as if he can read my mind he pushes it back. I turn my face and start observing people on the street.

He walks towards the window completely ignoring me. I follow my gaze as he walks. He doesn't even turn once. I wait for a few more minutes to get a reaction. He doesn't give one.
Okay, Alyssa, that's enough self-respect to lose in a day. I get up, the chair screeches gaining his attention. Pushing the door I walk as fast I can.

I hear footsteps behind me "ALYSSA!" It's Ryan. Cool. I walk faster. I don't wanna run in front of him, it's embarrassing. Doesn't make sense, well it does to me.

"Wait, GREEN!" He starts running. I have an urge to turn around but I don't all I do is flip him off.  "Oh, c'mon Alyssaaaaaa." He shouting but I keep on walking. I bump into someone, a chest, a woman's chest. I look up and see it's the vsco girl.

"Eww" I clamp my mouth as soon I say it. She's really tall, I'm 5'10 and I still have to look up. She doesn't say anything, maybe she didn't hear or chose to ignore.

"Hi, Alyssa" she chirps. "Hi, Charlotte," I say. That's her name, right? She makes a weird face. Oh okay, it isn't. "Well I'm in a hurry I'll see you soon," I say and try to walk past her but she covers me.

"It's Cecelia." She rolls her eyes. I want to punch her in the face but I calm myself down.  "Yeah well, Cecelia I have to go." I try to walk but I feel Ryan just behind me.

"Let's go somewhere." She offers. I scoff. Go? somewhere? with her? Ugh.No. I can feel Ryan's breath on my neck, my back hair stands up as he exhales. I have two option I think to myself, either I can go with this vsco girl or talk to Ryan. I try to choose one in my mind but I can't, deep down I know what I want. Taking a deep breath I give my most fake smile and turn around.

"Hi, Ryan!" I squeak.