Amanda Rollins walked into her boss Olivia Benson's office after their shift.
"Liv can I talk to you", Amanda asked, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but if you wanted to discuss what you shared earlier, you can talk to me if you need to. You looked like it was bothering you and if you need a friend, I'm here"
"We can talk about it, but let's go get coffee somewhere I don't want to do this here," Olivia replied
The pair left Olivia's office and walked the busy streets of New York to a coffee shop. They got their drinks and sat on opposite sides of the table.
Olivia took a deep breath and spoke "My mother was an English professor and when I was 16, I dated one of her students he was 21. I was dumb and convinced myself I was in love with him. When we found out I was pregnant he proposed, and I said yes." She pauses, runs her fingers through her hair and looks away. "I told my mother he proposed, and I was moving in with him and she attacked me and threatened to get him kicked out of school. When he found out, he dumped me and told me he wanted nothing to do with me or our baby and my mother was an alcohol and there was no way I could bring a baby into that house with my mother, so I found a clinic and got an abortion.
Liv started to tear up while telling her story and Amanda reached across the table and grabbed her hand. She started to rub her thumb along the back in a soothing gesture.
"At the time I didn't regret my decision, and I got older and left for college and the academy and I never met the right guy to have a baby with since I was so busy with the job. I spent 12 years wasting my time on Elliot who would never give me what I needed. I wanted a baby and wasn't happening. I tried to adopt, and they said I wasn't good parenting material. I was devastated, I felt it was punishment because I aborted my baby, I didn't deserve one now, that was my only chance to have a baby was and that would never have the baby I so desperately wanted. We found Noah, and I adopted him, and I thrilled to have him, but I'll always wonder how my life could have gone if I kept that baby."
Amanda was stunned to hear Olivia's story, she never knew she had been with such an older guy when she was young and part of her can't wrap her head around the fact that Olivia had to make this decision at 16 and she's complaining about having a baby at 38. And is trying her best to comfort her, she looks at the table not wanting to make eye contact with her and said in a low voice "I can't wrap my head around the fact that I did this again, I got pregnant by a guy who isn't going to be around for his child. I love Jesse to death and part of me loves this baby too, I don't think if I can do this to another child, bring it into the world knowing he or she will have a crappy dad. And I'm not 16. I can provide for a baby just fine. I keep looking at pictures of Jesse and I can't help but think about how scared I was when I first found out I was pregnant with her and now I couldn't imagine her not being here. I just don't want to do this alone again,"
Olivia had turned her hand over intertwining her fingers with Amanda's and giving it a squeeze. "Amanda you're not alone, you have me, and Carisi and Fin, we'll be here for you."
Amanda looks up at Olivia looking into her dark brown eyes as her own blue ones fill with tears "Liv I'm terrified to have this baby; last time Jesse and I almost didn't make it."
"Amanda only you can make this decision, but I'll be there for you whatever you decide to do,"
Amanda looks at her and smiles "Thanks Liv, thank you for sharing your story with me, it means a lot."
"Honestly, it just felt good to tell someone," Olivia replied, "No one knows about that, except for you,"
"Not even Elliot?"
"I could never had told him he doesn't believe in abortion and I really didn't want him to judge me, I couldn't handle anyone judging me about this and just, so you know whatever you decide, I won't judge you either. If you decide to keep the baby I'll be there if you need help, if you decide to abort I'll be there while you have the procedure, afterwards whatever you need"
"Amanda only you can make this decision, but I'll be there for you whatever you decide to do,"
Amanda finally let go of Liv's hand and let both of hers rest on her growing baby bump. The blonde looked down at her stomach and then back at Liv. The blond knew she had a tough decision, but with Oliva's support it suddenly didn't seem so tough. Amanda was so happy that her and Olivia could have such an open and honest conversation like this. A few years ago, she never would have confessed to Olivia what she had been feeling, she wouldn't have been comfortable with her knowing such intimate details about her personal life. But things had changed between them and they were continuing to change. Before she dreaded seeing Olivia in the precinct everyday knowing they were probably going to fight and now she can't wait. The blonde hadn't felt like that since she first joined the team when she had been so excited to meet the brunette she had admired from afar.
"C'mon" Liv said breaking Amanda out of her thoughts "Its late I'll drive you home"
They got up from the table and Liv let her hand rest on Amanda's back as they walked out of the coffee shop. They walked the block back to the precinct and got into Olivia's car. The ride to Amanda's was quiet and when they pulled outside of her building Liv reached over and took her hand giving it a squeeze before saying goodbye and giving Amanda instructions to let her know she got into her apartment okay.
Olivia started to drive home with one thought in her mind. She was in trouble, those persistent feelings she had for Amanda were starting to come to the surface again. At the absolutely worst time possible. the brunette knows that Amanda doesn't need any added stress on her plate, but that doesn't mean she can't support her in any way Amanda needs.
