eighteen

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Amanda

Two and a half months.

Two and a half months since Jack had passed away.

It was still hard, but it started to get a little bit easier.

This morning Josie and I were going to see my brother, Kevin. He and his girlfriend, Erica had been in New Zealand for about three months working with a charity, but they had just got back a few days ago.

As Josie and I walked up to the door, I felt a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach; it felt like I needed to throw up and I stopped in my tracks, trying to suppress the feeling.

"Are you okay, mama?" Josie questioned, looking up at me.

"Yeah, sweetie." I said, taking a deep breath.

The feeling started to subside, so we walked up to the door and rang the doorbell to their house, before Erica swung the door open.

"Amanda!" She exclaimed, as we walked inside. "It's so good to see you. And you look like you've gotten so big!" She said to Josie.

As we walked into the living room, Kevin walked out and rushed to give me a hug.

"Its good to finally see you, sis." He breathed, hugging me tight. He looked down at Josie, who was already reaching up for him.

"Oh, look at you, Josie!" He exclaimed, picking her up. "Did you miss your uncle Kev?" He asked, tickling her as she laughed.

We all made our way to living room where we sat down, Erica and Kevin sitting across from Josie and I.

"Amanda, were so sorry about..." Kevin trailed off, looking at Josie who was beside me, but I knew what he meant. "I just wish we would've been here for you and-"

"It's okay." I breathed. "I, um, actually decided that I'm going to go back and see my therapist." I admitted, and they nodded.

"We're always here if you want to talk about it." Kevin assured me, and I gave him a smile.

That's when I looked down at Erica's hand and noticed there was a big diamond ring wrapped around her finger.

"Is that..."

They followed my gaze and immediately started to smile, looking at each other.

"That's what we wanted to tell you actually..." Kevin started, holding Erica close to him.

"We're getting married!" Erica exclaimed, and I couldn't believe it.

"Oh my gosh!" I yelled, jumping up to hug her. "When did this happen?"

"He asked me one night on our trip, it was perfect..." She cooed and I watched as they looked into each other's eyes.

"Well, when's the wedding?"

"August 20th." Erica answered, still smiling big. "I know it's less than two months from now but, we just couldn't wait."

"I'm so happy for you guys." I breathed, pulling Kevin into a hug. "You finally grew a pair and asked, Kev!" I teased and he laughed.

"Very funny."

So we sat and talked for a couple hours; Erica asked Josie to be their flower girl, and she was more than happy to accept the job.

Kevin and Erica were playing with Josie, and as I watched them, I could feel nausea start to creep up on me again.

What the fuck...

Before I could do anything else, my legs were carrying me to the bathroom where I threw up.

Ugh...

I sat back against the wall when I was done, feeling out of breath.

After a couple minutes, there was a knock on the door.

"Amanda, it's me." I heard Erica say from the other side. "Can I come in?"

I moaned a yes, and the door opened.

"Are you okay?" She questioned, stepping inside.

"Yeah... I just threw up, I don't know-"

"Do you want a pregnancy test?" She asked, and I blinked at her. "I don't know if that's why you're sick... but it's better to know."

I had so many other things on my mind that I didn't even remember that that could be the reason why I kept throwing up...

"I have one in the cabinet, actually." She told me, pointing under the sink. "I... had a little bit of a scare myself before our trip." She admitted, but right now I couldn't even think straight.

"Thanks, Erica." I sighed, and she gave me a smile before walking out and shutting the door.

Oh my god, oh my god.

I opened the cabinet under the sink, in search of the pregnancy test, which I found. I ripped the box open and followed the instructions.

After I was done, I sat back and waited for the results to read.

I tried to think of the last time I had sex; which was three months ago with Jack in London. I thought about that night and how I don't think we bothered to use protection.

Fuck. 

After a few minutes, I took a deep breath, knowing it was time to look at the test.

Okay, one line if I'm not pregnant, and two lines if I am.

I took another deep breath, opening my eyes and looking at the results.

When I saw it, I couldn't help but burst into tears.

I was staring back at two lines.

--

and I oop once again

-Mel

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