the hanging tree - billie eilish

physical and mental pain |58|

alexis's POV

"fuck!" i scream as i try to pee. i hear someone knock on the door and i bite the inside of my cheek. "don't come in" i yell. "are you alright in there alexis?" i hear layla ask in a worried voice. "it fucking hurts" i tell her. "i'm sorry alexis. do you need anything?" she asks. "no, i'm alright." i reject as i start washing my hands. my lower stomach feels numb and i've been throwing up all fucking day. everything hurts like hell. fuck drew.

"oh shit" i mumble to myself when i remember i have drew's phone number. i walk out of the bathroom and down the hall to my room. i shut the door and lay down in my bed, scrolling through my contacts and finding drew's contact. i press call and bring the phone to my ear. 

"hey lexi, what's up?" she asks, i can practically hear the smirk on her face. and bitch called me lexi. what a coincidence (if you don't remember, her uncle called her lexi) "i'm calling to let you know that you gave me two STDs when you raped me and whatever you think we are, we're not." i explain. "what? i didn't rape you the fuck are you talking about?" she laughs. "yes you did! i told you to stop and tried to push you off several times and when you wouldn't you handcuffed me with a belt!" i remind her. "i didn't rape you lexi" she assures me. "you fucking did! i never gave consent! not to mention i blacked out several times!" i shout. "lexi calm dow-" she starts but i cut her off. "stop fucking calling me that. don't fucking call me in general." i order and hang up. 

what a bitch

i feel my stomach start to hurt really bad and run to the bathroom, getting to the toilet just in time to throw up. after a few seconds someone gathers my hair in their hand and holds it back. "let it all out" layla comforts me, rubbing my back with her free hand. once i'm done i wipe my lips and layla puts her hand on my forehead. "god you're burning up" she tells me. "yeah, the doctor said that is a symptom." i explain. "damn. i'm sorry." she frowns and rubs my back. 

i just wish this was over.

i should at least call billie to see how she's doing.

i walk to my room and take out my phone, scrolling through my contacts before finding billie's. i press the call button and bring my phone to my ear. it goes to voicemail after about two rings and i sigh, knowing she declined it. "hey, call me back when you get this or when you get a minute. we really need to talk." i leave a message and put my phone on the nightstand. i lay down on my back and stare up at the ceiling. "alexa, play my sad bitch hours playlist." i order. "depression and obsession don't mix well. i'm poisoned and my body don't feel well. i hate her. inside and out i feel my stomach turning. make out hill, where we met we let our lips do all the talking and now i'm hooked" i sing along quietly to depression and obsession by x, tears slowly spilling from my eyes. "depression and obsession don't mix well. hollywood motels. hell i think i'm just obsessed with you." i sing, finally letting myself let go of everything i've been holding in and sobbing to the song. 

i'm too obsessed with her.

she doesn't want to be with me and i should just accept that.

fuck i can't believe i did this to myself.