the hanging tree - billie eilish

scars |22|

alexis's POV

billie and i have been dating for exactly a month now and it's honestly been one of the best months of my life. i've been way happier. obviously i haven't been happy all the time but whenever i'm upset, billie makes me feel so much better just by being there for me. if she thinks that i might start crying, she'll just hug me. she won't say anything, she'll just hug me. i'm so grateful for her honestly.

the day i met billie's parents finneas told me never to hurt her because she's sensitive. obviously i responded with the whole truth. billie is really important to me and i never want to hurt her. that's the last thing i would want to do.

"billie!" i exclaim and run to her, jumping into her arms. i wrap my legs around her waist as she steadies herself after almost falling over. she holds me up by my thighs and giggles into my shoulder. "hello babies" she greets me. "i missed you" i tell her. "i missed you too" she responds. it's only been three days but i've missed her so much. she went out of state for a show and then an interview so i've been eagerly waiting for her to come back. "i got a text from someone saying they knew you, do you know someone named delilah?" she asks. "hell yeah i know delilah" i nod. "she begged me for your number" i add. "did you tell her not to-" she starts but i cut her off. "yes i told her not to leak it or tell the media about her relationship" i interrupt, already knowing what she was about to say.

billie's management is forcing her not to announce our relationship because they think she will lose followers and she won't make as much money. i can see where they're coming from, knowing that there are a lot of homophobic people out there, but it should be billie's choice. i've decided i shouldn't let it bother me but whenever she brings it up, it makes me sad because it just reminds me that i can't show her off.

"she sent me pictures of you so i was really hoping you knew her." she tells me. "let me see them" i order. she takes out her phone and scrolls through her conversation before finding the pictures.

"bro, i didn't know she was taking pictures of me" i frown. "i'm sorry i had to leave. i wish i could've stayed. but in my defense we were supposed to be there for two more days, but i forced them to let me come home today" she explains. "awe" i smile and hug her once again. "we've been dating for a month bro" i remind her. "i know" she laughs. "it's been one of the best months in a long time" she tells me. "for me too" i respond, hugging her closer to me. "come on, i wanna show you something" i order, pulling her up to my room. 

my parents are both working right now, so is layla. i think jacob is at my grandma's but i don't know. all i know is that i'm home alone so i think now is the best time to do this. 

once we get to my room i shut the door behind us. i bring her to my closet and push my clothes to the sides so she can see the drawings. she looks at them in awe, keeping her arm around my waist the entire time. "they represent all of the disorders i suffer from. i get that it's a lot but-" i start but she interrupts. "i can see that these are hidden, and i'm sure that's for a reason. thank you so much for showing me. these are amazing. and believe me, this only makes me like you more. just know that i think you're beautiful and anyone who doesn't.... i'll beat em up" she tells me. "i guess you're gonna have to beat me up then" i mumble. she rolls her eyes and pulls me into a hug. "i love you." she whispers. i quickly pull away with wide eyes and she covers her mouth. "i'm sorry should i have not-" she begins but i cut her off by kissing her. she melts into the kiss and i do the same. "i love you too." i say right after pulling away. she immediately brings me into a tight hug, making me smile widely. 

"listen, this is going to be difficult to do but because you showed me something secret to you i feel i should do the same." she explains. "billie you don't have to do that" i assure her. "i want to." she sighs, obviously nervous. she grabs my hand and leads me to my bed so i can sit down. she takes off her jacket, letting it drop to the floor. her hands cross over her torso and grab the bottom of her shirt. "billie you really don't have to." i repeat. "i know what i'm doing." she tells me. she takes her shirt off and drops it. next she pulls her shorts down so she's left in only a bra and underwear. i see what seems like hundreds of scars and cuts, making my heart break more and more. i stand up and hug her, kissing her neck once as i do so. she hugs me back and i try to hold in tears. "you're so beautiful" i whisper. once i pull away i pull my shirt off just as she did. she tries to tell me i don't have to but i do it anyway. her eyes widen at what i assume is all the scars but i continue. i take off my sweatpants and i see tears in her eyes. 

"i love you." she reminds me, hugging me once again. she hugs me so tightly that i think she may never let go. i hug her back and feel her tears against my shoulder. i start to cry as well and before i know it we're both breaking down in each other's arms. "i love you so much." i say between sobs. "i love you more." she assures me. "not possible."