the hanging tree - billie eilish

just relax |32|

alexis's POV

once i get home i see that quinn and delilah are gone and my room is a mess. we probably trashed it last night. i take out my phone and play "III. telegraph ave. (oakland by lloyd)" by childish gambino the song plays through the room as i clean up. i sing along quietly and make my bed. i hate seeing my room like this. 

once i'm finished i end up cleaning the rest of the house even though it's pretty clean anyway. usually when i start cleaning, it escalates and i end up cleaning more than i wanted to. finally i finish cleaning and light a candle, opening the window as well to get the smell of weed out of my room. i climb up into the hammock and take out my phone so i can text billie. 

we text through the night until she falls asleep and i'm left staring up at the ceiling. i wish billie were here. everything is so much easier with her with me. i honestly think she might be my soulmate. i wish i was good enough for her. i climb down from the hammock and walk to my dresser. i grab one of the joints from underneath my socks and light it. i climb out onto the roof and sit down and light it. i lean back against the roof and bring the joint to my lips. i take a deep inhale and blow the smoke out, almost instantly relaxing. the shit quinn brought is not good for me. the kind i have calms me down. her shit just makes me go crazy. it's probably just because this is medical. i honestly have no idea. 

once i finish the joint i climb back into my room but keep the window open. i lay down in my bed and grab one of my pillows, cuddling it and pretending it's billie. it's weird because usually when she's here it's easy for me to go to sleep. whenever i'm alone or with friends, i can't fall asleep. there's something so calming about her. she relaxes me and i feel like i can be myself. like i'm on top of the world. she makes me happier than i ever thought i could be. 

i really hope i don't fuck this up.