Open Case File [COMPLETED]

Conflicted

"I remember," Donovan said.

Carter dropped her leg and curled her hands around the chains holding up the swing. "I walked away thinking that was it. It was all over. All in the past now. I could move on. But..."

"But that's not the end of the story."

Carter gripped the cold metal, imprinting the links into her palms. She stared at the wooden bridge, the one she darted across as a little kid, laughing at the pretend fear all the while knowing without a doubt that there was nothing to fear at all because the one that chased her, loved her. It was all pretend.

And now it wasn't. There was a chase going on in her mind and she didn't know where to run or what she was running from.

Carter swallowed hard, her throat tightening, her eyes stinging. She blinked, trying to push away her emotions. Trying to box up memories she didn't want to remember. Pressing her lips together, she stared at the ground needing to close it all off.

She heard the rattle of chains and a second later Donovan was crouching before her. When he gently cupped her face, she closed her eyes hating the traitorous tears that slipped out.

"What is it?" he asked, swiping at the tears with his thumb.

She shook her head, not knowing how she could say the words that sat heavy on her tongue, the emotions that weighed on her chest when they were things she hated.

"I'm right here."

"I can't."

Donovan pried Carter's hands away from the chains, holding them between his own. He said nothing and Carter almost wished he would demand to know her thoughts, give her a diversion away from what she felt.

But of course, he didn't, he remained there, a solid presence. A reminder that whatever she was facing, she wasn't alone.

When she finally raised her eyes to his, he was gazing back at her. Patient. Understanding.

"It's not going to make sense," she said.

"It's okay, you don't make sense half the time and I'm still here."

Carter laughed, the sound ragged from the tears. She took in a deep, shaky breath.

"I miss my mom."

Donovan held to his calm expression, leaving Carter room to go on.

"It sounds stupid. It doesn't make sense. She hasn't been part of my life for over five years. She left. She abandoned us. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't miss her. I shouldn't feel anything for her. Yet...I have moments of missing her."

Carter looked to the play-set. "I think the hardest part is that I have good memories. Even when so much of my life is filled with the great times with Captain, she is part of them and part of some that are just her and me."

Between Donovan's hands, Carter curled her fingers into fists, trying to keep herself together. "I wish there was nothing happy to remember. It makes it all the harder, because how do you come to terms with having good times with the person that created so many bad? How can I remember laughing with her when she is the reason I cried? How can there be any good when she left?"

Tears spilled over Carter's eyes as she looked at Donovan, lost, confused, and vulnerable. Instead of answering, he pulled her from the swing and into his arms. His warmth and steadiness comforted her and she buried her face in the crook of his neck. He held her close, letting her feel all that she did without judgment or comment.

When Carter felt herself drained of tears, she laid her cheek on his shoulder.

"I don't know what to do with it all," she said.

"It's not something that is likely to go away," Donovan said. "It's not a friend you once had and moved away. It's your mother. There will always be a connection between you no matter how many years are between you and your memories."

He cupped her cheek, making her meet his eyes.

"You have to learn to accept the good and the bad. You've found peace with the fact that she left. Now you need to find peace knowing that there were happy times. And it's okay to grieve those happy times because it means that her leaving still hurts."

Carter let out a breath, feeling the heaviness on her chest lifting.

"Just because she left doesn't negate the good memories. Nothing in life is black and white. She was never a completely awful mother and she was never a completely perfect one. She was a flawed mother and still is. That is something that will take time to accept. And missing her...that is simply what comes of not having a parent there, you're going to miss what once was. It's okay. What you feel is okay."

Carter didn't know what to say. Everything he said seemed to lighten the burden and the chains she felt weighing her. The hate she held over what she felt melted away. The tangled mess that was her at that moment didn't need to be sorted out, it could simply be and that was okay.

The gratitude she felt for him right then was overwhelming. The understanding and comfort he gave her felt completely undeserved. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him, knowing she would never be able to tell him all that he meant to her.

"Thank you," she whispered.

He kissed her cheek right where her tears had fallen.

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Pop Pop! 💥💥

(If you have ever seen Community then you know how this should be said)

Well...that was...something. Okay, you tell me your thoughts and I'll tell you mine at the same time...one...two...three...go! 💭🗯💬📣

I wrote this because parents are hard. They are amazing, wonderful, and flawed all at the same time. Just because one leaves and you might never seen them again doesn't change that fact that they are somehow still part of you. This is true for Carter and I wanted to dive into the emotion that she wouldn't know how to feel and that's one of missing her mother.

I know this wasn't my typical aww look at Carter and Donovan taking over the world type chapter but I hope that you still enjoyed it and possibly found some more insight into Carter i.e. she's human!