Love Birds (Erkenci Kus) - Not just your average love story ❤️Canem Forever ❤️

Episode 40 Understanding Can Divit

"Love made me a ruthless, evil and jealous man." Can told Sanem, when he was trying to justify his actions for abandoning her. But in fact it wasn't love that made him that way...it was his inability to be confident and secure in himself that did. Love could have been his saviour if only he had enough faith and courage to stay and fight.

To help us understand how Can came to this point we have to go back...way back to when this pre-existing weakness first appeared... before Can and Sanem ever met. When we first met Can, he appeared as a strong, confident man. Although we love him and think he can do no wrong, he did have his weaknesses. And among them were...egotistical and self-centred tendencies. You might have noticed these tendencies where our boy was in need of excessive attention and admiration, sometimes he had trouble tolerating any sort of disapproval or insult, he held grudges, he had difficulty in forgiving...all of which could potentially lead to, dare I say it, narcissism. He's always had these tendencies and we've witnessed him act on them (but because it's Can we don't hold it against him. 😉) But maybe he acted this way because he was overcompensating for the fact that he was actually not confident in himself, and that he was actually scared to be viewed as weak or vulnerable, which knowing a bit of his history, is very understandable. To keep up the façade and stave off any occasional feelings of vulnerability or weakness, he learned to overcompensate by acting stronger and more powerful than he actually felt. Perhaps this is part of the reasons behind his workout routine and the way he dressed... to project a more confident image. And even more of a reason of why Can constantly needed reassurances. It gave him the drive and motivation...you'll recall him waving his arm into himself when he received compliments. But while everyone stroked his ego, Sanem perhaps was the only person (besides his brother) who called him out on his weaknesses which is perhaps the reason why she stood out and why he liked her. Perhaps going after her was a cry for help. And perhaps, subconsciously she was his saviour who would help him overcome his insecurities. Even the first time they met, he caught her criticizing him on his weakness, you'll recall, he was "running away to play with the crocodiles". Or the time in her attempt to push him away by telling him that she wasn't attracted to him, and called him out on his egotism, that he was surprised that someone could actually not like him or find him unattractive. You will recall how he laughed at that. He constantly needed approval. If he didn't get it he felt unsure of himself. Which is why underneath his powerful, tough exterior who always seemed put together, Can's insecurity was, and still is, his greatest crutch.

Can had always been insecure about himself and perhaps it was his upbringing that brought it on. There is no doubt that Can did not deal properly with his emotional issues when he was a child after his parents divorced, as he couldn't even talk to his mother after she left him for years. People who suffer from traumatic events in childhood often have more intense fight-or-flight reactions when they feel threatened. It is no wonder Can wanted to run away and escape every time he was threatened, like when he lost his photography license, or when he and Sanem broke up. Witnessing his parents divorce as a child and having his mother leave him was undoubtedly a very traumatic experience for him. Perhaps his father who, riddled with his own guilt, strived to create a "perfect" world for him in providing everything that he ever wanted to help him cope with the loss and pain of growing up without a mother. His father's actions, although with good intentions, in the end actually hurt Can's ability to feel the loss and perhaps was never able to deal with the deep seeded emotional issues that were brought about by his mother's abandonment. In other words, his lavish upbringing may have only covered up the loss but didn't do much good in healing his own emotional wounds to allow him to become the confident and secure person that he really wanted and needed to be.

These issues should have all been dealt with in his childhood. But unfortunately they weren't. And so, now that he is in a meaningful long lasting relationship, he becomes even more vulnerable because he doesn't have enough confidence in himself let alone enough confidence for the both of them to deal with the threats and challenges that will come their way. Partners in committed relationships rely on each other to keep their love intact. When they face these challenges, they work together to keep each other protected and safe.
Unfortunately, when one or both partners enter a relationship without their individual security intact, they rely on the relationship itself to keep them strong over crises that needs resolving. But it doesn't work that way. When Can felt Yigit as a threat to his relationship with Sanem his anxiety, paranoia, fears of losing her, and an increasing need for reassurance began to diminish his ability to think and act effectively. Even though Sanem did everything right to help Can feel safe, she eventually was going to pull away because, the resulting instability was just too overwhelming. Without Sanem's reassurances Can was no longer physically and emotionally able to stay with her and resorted to the only way he knew how to deal with crises...and ran away.

Although he is back now, he was still not consciously ready to face reality, let alone Sanem. But in coming back to face the consequences of his actions, with the love and support of his family and friends he is starting to regain his confidence and self-respect. And with time, he will be able to forgive himself, and allow himself to open up his heart and give love a second chance.

Canem Forever ❤️❤️