I hate seeing the people online trying to seek the attention of everyone they can. The girls who post the sexy photos to the guys who shitpost and complain about being single. I barely ever try to be on my phone cause that's all anyone ever posts about anymore. I just wanna be the guy who when he's with his girl doesn't have his phone blowing up all the time to the unnecessary people messaging me about stupid stuff all the time.
I used to like it. I used to love talking to everybody. I used to be the person where the people who were hurting themselves would message me and I would comfort them. There's been people who've shown me where they've hurt themselves and then later on showed me the same area and plus some that have been cleaned up because of how I've talked to them. I used to be the one everyone looked up to, now I'm the one trying to look up at them. I've sunken so low down where my feet drag when I walk and I got this chain on my neck carrying a ball that I can't remove cause it's hard to tilt my chin up. I want to find closure and comfort in some of the people in my past but when I try and talk we don't talk very long and it just prolongs the answer I've been seeking. I'm tired. Nobody really understands what one person can do to change your whole perspective of your day. I was having a really crappy day last Saturday and someone I haven't talked to in some time messaged me out of the blue. I was hoping that I could've seen them. But it didn't happen. Which sucked. But I guess it'll be okay. Hopefully I get to see them again soon. Cause it's been long over due.
I just want the best for everyone in life. I want people to enjoy the world and explore and not have to be on a schedule their whole lives cause a corporate is controlling their mind and bodies.
My job is alright. I hate the salary of working so many hours but the same constant pay. But the benefits and the air conditioning are both amazing, something I haven't experienced in a long time. I also dress pretty nice so I gotta impress them ladies coming in ya know cause whatever I've been doing this whole time hasn't been what they're looking for. Also it could be my body because I am kinda fat but it's winter time so they need someone, even if it was temporary and I could hold somebody by my side and get a decent sleep for a little while I'd be content. I don't even attach myself to anyone anymore cause everytime I have and thought the relationship was getting serious they leave and leave me clueless. But I missed all the red flags in the back of my head cause at the time I was just focused on making them happy in hopes they would stay unlike the last. Loves rough, but with the right one I hope it'd be easier than what I've experienced.
Yesterday marked the 3 year mark of the crash that I had that messed with my head. Still shocks me that it actually happened. I try to be a good person, but bad things always happen to the best people I suppose. I also should be going to bed, I gotta work 6 12 hour shifts in a row. So hopefully whoever sees this can get some rest and have piece of mind for a little bit from a stranger, or a friend. Until next time....
