No, I don't plan on killing myself, yet. But there are many reasons why I could go.
No one would truly miss me. No one talks to me anymore unless it's a stupid Snapchat streak. They never ask how I am, or reply to my messages. I get friends that play games with me online, but it just sucks when you have to pretend you're happy. Like how could I be? My dad used to abuse me mentally and physically, and I moved on from that because it's in the past. But I can't move on from the scars it left on me. Now the same man who hurt me is going through cancer and I don't know how long he has to live.
My brother is in the army, getting ready to be shipped across seas. I used to tell him everything. And to this day I still talk to him about the same girl. The only girl I've ever talked to him about that genuinely put a smile on my face, and then something happened and she moved on to another man, just like I did to her years ago. I'd say it's karma, but I also say it was a decision.
My job don't appreciate anything you do just the money you make for them while you're getting paid less than deserving.
My mind is mumbled up because I look back at memories and wonder how my life would be if I didn't get into that accident where someone high on meth committed suicide in front of my truck that I just rebuilt from bottom to top and was going to college at the same time. Would I be in a better job position by now? Would I finally have my own place? Would I finally smile and actually mean it?
My ex girlfriend who cheated on me and left me every other day because she never "loved" me is messaging me every morning and FaceTiming me talking about her issues with her and her new boyfriend that she left me for. I should block her right? Well that's what everyone says but I'm the person that helps every single fucking person that I counter with and try my damn best to make sure I can see a smile or change in how they act once they hear or see what I have to say. I spread myself so thing that my body could probably cover the whole globe, if not the universe, and still no one appreciates what I have done for them. Why do I try so hard to make sure others are smiling? It's because I don't ever want anyone to feel how I feel every single day. I do want to die. I think I'd be much happier knowing I don't have to wake up another day to someone asking for my help. Because they could always find another solution. No one would miss me. I know this. No one misses me now. It's been weeks since I've hung with friends. I go out and party and drink my fucking brain out just to fog up the thoughts in my mind telling me "it'll only take a moment, pull the trigger". I'm done with helping so many people out. I'm done with trying for those who won't give the same effort back. I'm done with life. And "it's stupid" and "you won't do it" will only push it a little bit farther and easier. My family shows love but I just feel like pushing them away because I don't want anyone close when I finally disappear for good this time.
To the girl that I love, I'm sorry. I try messaging you now and I get no response. I get it, you got a new boyfriend and want to show respect, chose someone over me, just like I did to you multiple times. I understand why you did it. I deserved it. I'm sorry. And nothing I say will change how I truly feel about you. And why I did that to you. I don't even know why I did it if you ask me. I just think I was scared. Not scared of you, or the relationship, but scared to show my flaws in public and you not liking me for it cause you always said I was perfect, when in all reality no ones perfect. I appreciate the small amount of time we shared and got to see your beautiful face and smile, but I just knew nothin I did was ever gonna make up for the past.
To my parents, I'm sorry I never got to experience what a happy family was. You never married. I lived with my mom who never took care of me. Went out partying with a new man every weekend getting fucked up and fucked in. I know that's what you were doing. She pushed me to my dad. Abusive father, never showed love unless it was with pain. Found out that drugs were the only thing keeping him sane. Started doing meth, more than just smoking weed from that glass pipe. Started hanging with new guys who always got you in trouble. Still hit on my step mom in front of my step sisters. Still showed love only through pain and never in joy.
To my friends, I know there's a few that'll miss me, but it's okay. You'll soon move on and find someone else to hang with and talk about your problems. We all do. Well, most of us. You'll all one day start smiling again and feeling the breeze and not even for a second think about me. It's how life is. You forget the past and move on. I love you guys, and thank you for all you did to try and help, but it just wasn't enough, especially when none of you noticed the signs of how different I started to act.
To everyone else in the world, you may never know who I am, but just know there's always someone out there who wants to help out no matter how much it'll hurt them. Cause the relief they seek is in the smile of the beholder. And they'll do anything just to pull off that one joke or phrase to see you smiling. You all are beautiful human beings no matter what anyone says. I love you all. And I don't have to know you to know that I love you, cause I care about everyone.
