Being happy doesn't seem to be a thing to obtain in this world anymore. I may seem like I smile and laugh a lot, but deep down, I'm broken. I'm the dude who is always there to help everyone, make sure everyone else is okay before myself, why do I do this though? It's because I hate seeing people sad. It upsets me. I hate not seeing someone's smile. I hate not being able to help. We're all broken, we need others to help us in this world. But lately it's been hard with people who constantly pop in and out of your life and make you wonder what you did wrong when they leave you on read. All the late nights staying up wondering when it gets better, wondering what is wrong with you, or wondering when you'll be "happy" again. They say you can't find happiness in another person, but I feel that to not be true. I make lots of people happy, or at least I try, but I just want to find one person who makes me happy. And it's just hard and makes you think no ones there and you're all alone. Makes you want to end it all, but you can't, cause you know deep down people care. I'm not wanting to, but I'll admit I've thought about it before. I mean who hasn't? I found one person who genuinely makes me feel better and it's hard to ever talk to that person, or to even see that person anymore.
I'm hurt. I need a hug. Tears are coming out of my eyes while typing this. Idk what's wrong with me. I wish you were here for me not mentally, but physically. I need to know I'm loved before it's too late. The person closest to me is 7000 miles away from me fighting for our country and if I don't find someone else to be able to cared from like he did to me then I don't see a point in being here anymore. I'm always alone and just want to find someone to always be alone with. But for some reason it's funny how if you have feelings you're weak, a great artist taught me that. We're too scared to get attached to someone because of the past someone else has left. Not everyone out there is going to hurt you. I just want to see everyone happy.
But I can't be the reason for you to be happy. I don't even know why I ever tried so hard for one person. It always seemed if I kept trying maybe I'd be recognized. Instead I'm messing around on tinder trying to grab someone else's attention in their spare time so at least someone would let me feel good about complimenting them. I could go on that website daily and get a match while I know people around me who barely get one a year. All those people are temporary as well. I don't want anything to do with anyone but one person. And it comes to show the reason I don't stick on their and I try to loop back around to you. What is my problem? Why won't you see the potential in me?
What do I have to do to show you you're worth it?
What do I have to do to see you again?
What do I have to do to make sure you don't run off again?
I'm alone. I have not one person I could go to about my problems and they not laugh about it. You were that person. We never talk for some reason and I don't fucking understand why. I wish I would've treated you better back when I had the chance to do so. I'm only human, we all make mistakes. Just mine seem to be permanent and haunt me.
One things for certain though, when I finally feel like I've hit rock bottom and my brother for some reason doesn't make it home I'm gonna find a way to get back with him again as soon as possible, meaning I won't be here. I don't see it as suicide, I see it as leaving behind the bad.
