Rivals 🌈 ✔

17 - Conflicts

I hurt him.

Juice was close to slapping himself. What the hell was wrong with him?! Why did he say something like that?! Fuck – he was ruining everything! That man buried his little sister yesterday and Juice was worried about feeling not manly enough?! He wanted to apologize, but the words got stuck in his throat.

Raine looked aside, his jaw clenched, the look in his eyes hurting Juice physically. "Then I guess I felt something else than you yesterday, for it meant something to me," he said in a cold tone, getting up and grabbing his sports bag. "I need a shower."

Juice's lips were moving – again he tried to say something. That he didn't mean it, that he had no idea why he'd said that. That it had meant something to him, too. But once Raine closed the door, not a single word had slipped his lips.

Now Raine might feel like a whore too, eager to wash away Juice's touches. He rubbed his face, wishing he could hide himself under the blankets and pretend this conversation had never taken place. He however, couldn't. Quietly, he started to dress himself, every movement feeling tough. He thought about Raine, who was showering now. Was he staring forward, an angry frown on his forehead? Or was he leaning with his head against the cold tiles of the wall, feeling defeated? Did he wish he'd never come here?

Juice took a few deep breaths and tried to suppress the sickness he felt. He needed to get his shit together before Raine was done showering. Hopefully he could convince him not to go home immediately. The thought that this might have been their last conversation, suffocated him.

Closing the bedroom door, he walked to the kitchen where Skye was making coffee.

"Hey sweetie," she said with a wide smile. "Damn, that were some hot sounds last night." Giggling, she winked.

Juice felt his cheeks glow. Quickly, he took a cup from the cupboards. "It's not what you think," he muttered.

"How do you know what I think?"

"We didn't... do it." Still avoiding her glance, he poured himself a cup of coffee. The smell worsened his nausea; he doubted he was actually going to drink this. His hand was shaking as he put back the coffeepot.

Skye noticed it, grabbing his hand. "Things weren't like you thought they would be? You're so nervous and... your eyes are not sparkling."

"I said something stupid to him," he said quietly. "And now I hurt him. He's gonna leave soon and I'm not sure if we –"

"Ssh, don't panic. Come on, sit down with me." Holding his hand, she led him to the couch, sitting down on it. "Tell me what happened."

He took a deep breath. Her thumb caressed his hand, making him feel a little more relaxed. "We wanted it to be for one night... Being lovers. We decided not to have sex – but we did some things. We – we enjoyed it, even though I panicked a few times. But once I woke up this morning, then..." He squeezed his eyes shut; he simply couldn't tell her he felt emasculated because of certain fantasies. "The thought that it had been for just one night.... it makes me feel sick. And when he asked me how I felt about last night I said – I said I felt like a whore. I just blurted it out. That thought hadn't crossed my mind at all, although I did feel filthy."

"You think he used you?"

Quickly, he shook his head. "No, he really didn't. He cared more about my needs than his own. But I just... I just have the feeling that what we did is wrong." With trembling fingers he rubbed his face. "I don't know Mouse," he whispered. "There are just too many loud thoughts in my head. That I'm betraying my brothers; that my longings are not natural; that we will never be more than each other's toys.... And now I'm terrified that I've pushed him away, that he doesn't want to be friends anymore and.... and... I just wanna be with him Mouse."