Rivals 🌈 ✔

48 - Guilt

For Raine, it was impossible to understand that Juice wanted to give him a second chance. For weeks he was surrounded by such a dark cloud that he couldn't believe that anyone would still want to be with him. As a human being, he had reached an all-time low—he had found the limits of his self-tolerance. He was shaken by the darkness he felt, by the ease with which he surrendered himself to it. 

And now, it felt like an angel was holding him in his arms. 

An angel who still loved him, who still saw the good in him, even when Raine hadn't been able to see it for a long time. It only increased the guilt he felt and he didn't know how he could make up for his mistakes. 

"You wanna go back to the carnival?" Juice asked.

It took a while before the mist that covered his eyes parted so he could see his friend clearly again. Did Juice want to go back to the carnival? That sounded like a more important question. He wanted to meet all his wishes and never disappoint him again, even though he had a headache and didn't want a lot of people around him. 

But Juice smiled. He undoubtedly wanted to make the best of this day. 

"Sure." Raine tried to smile back; looking him in the eye was still hard. 

Juice jumped up and pulled Raine to his feet. Letting his hand slide in Raine's, he headed for the entrance. 

So this was it? Things were good between them again? Had Juice really forgiven him? 

It all still felt so fucking wrong. 

During the rest of the day, Raine tried to hide how he really felt. Juice and he rode the rollercoaster, won two large stuffed animals at the shooting gallery, and hit the bumper cars. Juice showed his affection in small gestures, but Raine still had the feeling he was swimming in a raging sea in which he could drown at any moment. It didn't escape Juice's attention. He noticed it in the way the man searched for his eyes, squeezed his hand, and showed him sympathetic smiles. 

Raine averted his eyes. He never would have thought it would be torture to be around Juice again. He felt even relieved when Sammy, Skye and Sasha came to them a few hours later. 

"Are you tired?" he asked Sasha. 

The little girl rubbed her eyes. "Tired," she repeated. 

"Let's go home then."

His eyes met Sammy's. She was insecure. Afraid that he wasn't happy about this meeting with Juice. He however was — he really was. It just felt like his head could explode at any moment. The constant noise, the fight in his head, and Juice's undeserved love... It was all too much. 

"Why don't the two of you book a room?" Skye suggested. 

Raine shook his head. He couldn't. It was too much. And he wanted to apologize to his sister too. "Maybe another time," he muttered. 

Skye's eyes flashed to Juice, who dropped his eyes in disappointment. 

Raine cursed himself because of his ill-considered answer. He closed his eyes for a moment.

What did Juice want? To have a romantic night and pretend Raine hadn't fucked things up? He had the feeling he first had to find back himself before he could give himself to Juice again. Laying his hands on the stroller, he pushed his niece towards the exit. It didn't take long before his sister showed up next to him. 

"What's the matter?" Sammy asked, sounding annoyed. "You're gonna push him away again?"

"No." Raine sighed. "I... I just don't know what to do with myself."