Hope Out the Window

Bourbon On Main

"No." Jenna said bluntly.

"Jenna-" I started to argue.

"Tyler I don't think it's a good idea either." Josh said.

"Guys, I'm an adult. I can go if I want." I had never been much of a drinker, but I needed something. "I was mostly asking so you guys would feel better about it. And so that someone could make sure I didn't do anything dumb. I'm going either way." I shrugged. Jenna sighed. She didn't like the idea, but it's not like I usually drink anyway, besides the rare glass of wine or champagne. What harm could it do?

"Fine. I'm going though." Josh said. Jenna shot him a look, "What Jenna? Would you rather him go by himself and do something stupid?" He was almost yelling, I didn't particularly like his tone with my wife, but he was defending me.

"I'd rather him realized how stupid it is to drink away your problems and not go at all." She stood up, "Don't you fucking dare become like your father." She stormed to our bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Leaving the room silent. Jenna never swore, when she did, it was because she was extremely pissed.

"Get your stuff. I don't want to be out too late." Josh broke the silence and grabbed his shoes. I grabbed my jacket, wallet, and phone. Josh followed me out the door after having a quick word with Debby and Jenna. They talk behind my back a lot. I don't mind. I know it's mostly for my own good. The ride was silent. It was weird to be out of the house. Josh parked on the curb across the street from Bourbon On Main. It wasn't too busy because it was only fifteen minutes til ten. I approached the building. Opening the door, smoke filled my lungs. I didn't mind. I felt choked though. Another thing I've felt since Jays death.
The hot water.
The glass shattering.
The pain shoot through my arm when I lifted it.
The smoke choking me in the building.
And the vodka burning my throat.

"Another shot?" The bartender asked from behind the counter.

"No. I'll take whatever you recommend." I barley felt the alcohol in my system.

"What's going on, man?" The concerned bartender handed me some sort of concoction I observed him make.

"I lost someone very important to me." I took a drink, it was sweet, but still burned as bad as the vodka. "School shooting."

"About a week ago?" I nodded my head, "The college. I saw that on the news. I'm sorry for your loss."

I hated those words. I heard them too much when mom was killed. I hear them too much now that Jays gone. I know they mean well, but it just adds to the sting. "Thank you. You know, this is the most I've talked since then. The most I've drank too. Actually the most I've drank alcohol ever."

"Well I'm glad I could be of assistants. Let me know if there's anything else I can get you."

"Thank you." I smiled sadly at him, he returned the favor then his eyes shifted back behind me where they had been wondering since we started talking.

"By the way, there's a tattooed guy with yellow hair who keeps staring at you."

"That's just my designated driver." I shrugged.

"Ah, I see. Well, I'm glad he cares."

"Yeah, me too." I didn't glance back at Josh, I didn't want him to know we were talking about him. I finished my drink, I didn't want to be drunk, just buzzed at least.

forty five minutes later

"Same thing? Something new?" The bartender asked.

"Same thing." My words just started slurring. Why was I here? Why did I stoop this low? "Actually buddy," I stopped the guy, "I think I'm done."

"Calling it a night?"

"I think so. What's your name?" I asked sloppily.

"Jeff."

"Jeff. I'm Tyler. I'll probably not see you again because this isn't my scene usually. Until the next death." I chuckled and got up. I paid him for the drinks then began walking away.

"Goodnight Tyler. Go get some rest."

Jeff shook his head as I stumbled to my yellow haired friend, "Josh, has anyone ever told you that your hair is fabulous?" I 'booped' his nose then swung my good arm around him.

"First time getting drunk, he will feel like hell tomorrow more than likely. Aspirin with orange juice or lemon water." Jeff told Josh from across the room.

"Thank you." Josh waved and led me to the car. My throat burned and eyes watered. Nothing made sense. "This is even worse than being sober. I didn't even plan on getting drunk, drunk." I thought to myself.

"Just wait until tomorrow." Josh sighed and got in the car.

"Woah how'd you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Hear what I was thinking." I was astounded.

"You said it out loud, stupid." He chuckled.

"Oh," I laughed, "sorry." The ride was quiet for awhile then I spoke up again, "I'm sorry. I didn't want this to happen. I just wanted to forget."

"I understand. But this is a one time thing, got it?"

"Got it."

"Good."

Tears brimmed my eyes, anxiety punched me in the chest. I slurred, "I don't want to be gone. I want to be who I was before he died. I want to go back. I want to send him a message saying to stay in his room that day, or to even come home a day early."

"Tyler, this was suppose to happen." Josh whispered.

"But why my brother? Why did my mom and baby brother have to be taken? Why did dad have to drink? Why did he have to abuse us? Why didn't he even come to Jays funeral?" I wasn't sad, I was angry now. I didn't understand. I didn't understand it while I was sober, but having drinks in my system made it worse.

"Because Tyler, your dad is kind of a jerk, no offense."

"None taken." I mumbled. "Can we go to his house?" I laid back in my seat.

"You're dads house?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"He didn't come to the funeral. He's a coward. I want to confront him." I mumbled.

Josh sighed, smirking a little, "Everything happens for a reason, and we will get through this. You just have to trust us and talk to us. Okay? We don't need your dad for this."

"Yeah. Goodnight Josh." My eyes became heavy.

"Goodnight Tyler."
______

How'd I get in bed? Why am I naked? I thought to myself. Why does my head hurt? The sun is so freaking bright. I need pants. I think I'm going to throw up.

These are the thoughts I woke up to the next morning. And just so you know, yes, I did throw up. Twice. After I was dressed from the waist down, of course.

I flushed the toilet and sat back against the wall. I held my head down in my hands. Where's Jenna? Where's Josh? I eventually got up and brushed my teeth, I grabbed my sling from the foot of the bed and put it on carefully then I caught a glimpse of something on the nightstand,

Tyler,
I  left some water and aspirin on the nightstand for you. There are bananas and oatmeal  in the kitchen. Josh took Jim and went to Debby's this morning. I'll be home soon. I love you, Ty.
- Jenna

I smiled at her kindness, but cringed at the part about bananas. They knew I didn't like bananas.

I took the aspirin and drank the whole cup of water. I sat on the edge of the bed. The bar. Bits and pieces of last night slowly came back. I grimaced at the thought of my behavior, how I felt the need to drink, and the fact that I couldn't remember anything past the first two drinks. I felt saliva build up in my mouth and my stomach churn before running to the bathroom. How much did I drink last night? What all did I do?
____________________________________

- peteywentzy