Hope Out the Window

Desperate

The funeral was two days later, and it's been three days since the funeral. Emily has gone through his stuff, sending Zack, Maddie, and I anything that she thought we would want. None of us had the guts to go up to his campus and do it ourselves. The pain was horrendous. The casseroles built up in the fridge just like when mom died. The supportive text and calls rolled in. I ignored them. The clique found out from Jenna, Zack, Maddie, and other family members. The four, well now three, siblings barley spoke to each other. Each barley to their spouses as well. Everyone was ill with the thought of such a pure, young, innocent soul dying. Murdered. For what? What did he do to deserve it?

I laid in bed. Arm officially out of brace and moved to sling, though not in it the past few days. Hands still tucked between my thighs. Unable to move. Barley able to breath. Refusing food. Refusing to speak. I hadn't said a word since I found out, other than screams from nightmares that woke me and everyone else in the house up. Josh was worried. Jenna was worried. Debby was worried. I was worried.

"Tyler?" Josh knocked on the door for the seventh time today, "Do you want to eat?"

Nothing. No words. No movement.

He came and set beside me, his hand placed on my fragile arm. "Will you at least drink some water?"
My throat had become severely dry. The last time I had something to drink was yesterday morning. I nodded my head, making Josh crack a small smile. "I'll be right back."

Another knock on the door. This time Jenna, holding a water bottle. "Here." She sat in front of me. I didn't move. She opened the water and sat it on the table. "I love you." Jenna ran her hand through my hair then down my cheek. She stared at me, I could see the heart break in her eyes. She kissed my face then got up. "Tell me if you need something."

I stared at the water. I pulled my healing arm out and sat up on my good arm. I chugged most of the water. Gosh I smelled bad. I don't have the energy to shower. I don't have the energy for anything. I should eat. I feel sick though. I sat there, still up on my arm. Come on Tyler. Push through it. I sat up a bit more. I pulled my legs over the side of the bed. Now I was in an upright position.

There. That's progress. I thought to myself.

My knees cracked when I stood up many minutes later. My body felt weighed down. I felt like I would pass out at any given minute. I stumbled into the bathroom, turned on the shower to hot water. Probably too hot. But I needed to feel something. I stripped out of my clothes. I was too lazy to shut the door. I got into the shower and let the water hit my body, the heat causing me to jump at first. Water drops hit my eyes and slid down my cheeks, just like crying. It helped.

*warning thoughts of self harm and suicide*

I can't do it. I can't get over this one. This one is too much. My baby brother. My heart has never ached more. My thoughts ran wild but I couldn't keep up with them. I felt nothing since I found out. Maybe I could- no. I cut myself off from the topic. It kept reoccurring. Just one. Just once. No one would care.

"One cut.
One burn.
One pill.
Three pills. Five pills. Ten pills. Twenty. Maybe thirty." A voice slipped in and I didn't bother to block him out.

That's all I would need...

I can't. Jenna. Josh. Our baby. My baby. I can't.

"You can."

I can't.

"You said it yourself. Just one. Just once. No one would care."

Those came from you.... you guys. I understood there was now more than one voice.