I'm Sorry (Watty Nominated 2019)

Dear Diary #12

Dear Reaper,

Hey, it's been a while.

And a lot has happened.

Too much.

I just got back from Nikolai's house.

Well, that was a few hours ago, and he's called me to ask if I was okay and, I mean, I couldn't be better.

Or at least, that's what he wanted to hear...so that's what I told him.

Honestly though, I don't know.

I thought that being with Nikolai in that way would make me forget, take the pain away, fill in the missing pieces, make me feel whole again....you know, like it does for all those girls in the books...

And it did. It really did.

It was amazing, and finally, for just a little while, I felt like I was in control of my own body for once; again.

It was like being on a high and then crashing once it wore off.

Right now, I'm crashing, falling..
Breaking..

It feels as if my body is being torn apart, ripped to pieces, from the inside out, and yet, somehow, I'm still standing.

I lied to Nikolai.

All I've been doing is lying to him.

The only thing I've been honest about today is how I feel about him.

I love him, I really do.
And that's why I can't let him be with someone like me.

I'm not ever going to be what he wants. He may think that I'm perfect, but there has never been anyone more flawed, more wrong.

He sees me through rose tinted lenses and doesn't see that I'm a flower that wilted long ago.

There's nothing left for him with me, he must have realised that by now...and..

...

...and I know, he doesn't wana let go, because he is scared, he is scared for me, to be alone...

But it does get better over time.

He'll forget me.

And it's better if I leave now, now before he falls any harder, before he falls hard only to crash and burn when he sees me...when he really actually sees me.

I wish I could be stronger for him.

I'm not.

Happiness just has never been in the books for me.

Anything good that I've had has only lasted a second before something destroys it.

No.

Before SOMEONE destroys it.

I can't believe that..just the other day, I was happy.