I'm Sorry (Watty Nominated 2019)

Dear Diary #8

Dear Reaper,

I apologise for being so short the other night. I was just so angry and hurt.

And you know why?

Because I was betrayed, Reaper.

And I'll give you three guesses as to who it was.

Yes, you guessed it, Reaper.

It was none other than Cameron.

Again.

But this...

This was even worse than the time she was screwing around with Hunter behind my back. This is way worse.

She knows what he did to me.

She knows better than anyone.

And yet, there she was today; kissing him like he was her lifeline.

Kissing Hunter.

And there is no excuse this time, Reaper. I could forgive her last time.

Having sex with my boyfriend is one thing.

But having sex with my rapist is something totally different.

Its disgusting, utterly and completely repulsive...the fact that she would give her body to that monster....she..

What is wrong with her?! Does she still think I'm lying?? How doesn't she see the dead, vacancy of emotion in his eyes?

How does she not see the monster behind his beautiful face? How does she not see what he is capable of?

And Hunter...how...just fucking HOW could he be this big of a monster?!

Would he really go this far to torture me? Is that it...is he trying to torment me further, to remind me of what he did to me? To remind me that he has all the power and that nobody will ever believe me? Not even someone who was like a sister to me?

I hate him! I hate him so, so much, Reaper. I hate him! I hate him!

Why did he have to do this?! Why?! What did I ever do to him for him to hurt me like this?! I trusted him, Reaper.

I loved him!

So..why?

Is this my punishment for being so naive? So gullible? So damn stupid??

How didn't I see it coming? How didn't I know that his intentions weren't ever pure?

I know what you're thinking, Reaper. Why stay in this town, why stay and be forced to look into the face if your rapist everyday? Why not leave, why not just change schools, start over? Why suffer??

Why, why, why.

I'll tell you why, Reaper. I'll tell you the same thing I've told you a million times before, Reaper.

He has power.

He has money.

If he wants something done, it gets done.

If he wants someone, he can have them.

And if Hunter wants Amelia to stay, then Amelia is going to stay.

And if he can so easily keep me trapped in this hell then what is going to become of the people who are trying to help me escape it?

What is going to happen to Tyler?

To Nikolai?

I try, Reaper. I really do. But it's so hard to keep living when you can barely breathe.

When all you can do is lay on the floor in a heap of shame and pain, gasping desperately for air, for just a little breath of air.

Nobody knows just how hard it is to wake up from a nightmare, only to realise that your reality is much worse...something much more sinister.

Reaper, why have I been sentenced to eternal torture before I've even died? Why am I already living my hell?

But...there's only one thing I can look forward to in this hell.

There's only one light, one flicker of hope in this desolate wasteland I call my life.

There's only one thing pure and whole that I can hold onto with my damaged soul, my damaged body.

And, he may have just been the best thing I could've asked for, the closest I'll ever come to happiness.

Nikolai King.

Thank you, for everything..